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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Double Word Score - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Double Word Score by Henry Christner - Short - A night with grandparents shows two middle-school girls that not everything plays out according to Hoyle. - pdf, format


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Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:41pm
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Ryan1
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Funny little story where the girls get way more than they bargained for.  Felt like it was going to take a sinister turn at the end, but it took a decidedly different direction.  Probably could have trimmed this by a couple pages, but not a bad entry.
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cbead
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing, really got the sense of the generation divide in this one.

The awkwardness of the last scrabble move was portrayed well. I also thought this was heading towards a more darker place, which gave a real uncomfortable sense to me as a reader. I think would give the same unease to viewers if it were filmed.

But ends humorously... Just imagine how the girls are going to post this emotional trauma on FB.

Really enjoyed this one.


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Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Valerie's physical description should come earlier.

On page 3, make sure to write Granddaddy in all caps when you first introduce him.

I feel like Val would likely say something, like "Caye!" when she asks if her boyfriend can come over, because she knows that's not a good idea. She later gives Caye a look when she objects to putting her phone away, so it makes sense for her character.

I like the awkward situation you put the family in with the word "panties".

I loved Caye's line about how she and her boyfriend have been going out for three weeks almost. It's so middle school, it's great. I bet they'll break up over text.

You got an audible "Oh, God" from me at the word "semen".

I'm not sure how I feel about the ending. Would grandparents really do that with their granddaughter and her friend over?


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Gum
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:27am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

*SPOILER*

An underage Femme Fatale stops by her friends grandparents and goes to work on ol' grandpa (psychologically) to the point where he has to take granny upstairs for a quickie... Lol.

It was a slow burner but, definitely an ambitious attempt to put people at (un)ease for entertainment purposes.

Interesting use of the theme with good story telling and, just the right amount of clever innuendos. Made it awkward enough to get a kick out of it.
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LC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, not sure with all that set up and build up that (onscreen) the climax to the plot would be completely satisfying. Sorry, couldn't resist.    One of the girls flirting with Granddaddy was a put off putting too. It's not bad, just not my thing I suppose.


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SAC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Was kinda wondering where all this was going. Something seemed a little off about the pacing. I feel you could trim a little here or there to speed this up. But it was a smooth read, held my interest as I was curious what Caye was gonna spell next. And an original ending that was a surprise as well.

Good job.

Steve


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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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This was okay. The ending felt a bit flat, as I was expecting something to happen with Caye's boyfriend. If you allude to things in the script the audience is generally going to expect a payoff, so the stuff with him liking another's girl profile really seems irrelevant to the story.

It seemed like the girl's actions might've been better suited to girls a couple years older, as a 12-year old flirting with the old man seemed a bit off. I couldn't really believe that he didn't know what semen meant, either.

Decent effort overall, and the writing was quite strong.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quite a vocabulary from a 12 year old

The grandparents run off to have sex instead of getting ice cream while their Grand Daughter is in the house waiting? Did they get turned on by use of sexual innuendos through scrabble words?

The writing itself was clean, the story not so much.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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This was well written and the generation gap was well drawn too... nice use of Scrabble as well

BUT, the ending felt kinda flat and sleazy at the same time, which must be an achievement in its own right.

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was pretty good.

I loved the ending.  I didn't see that one coming, or is it, ah never mind... I almost went there

I thought it was cute with an inspiration to that movie that won the oscar for pedophilia (where the old man fantasizes about the hot chick that is his daughter's best friend...

It was creepy and grammy knew that with granddaddy's potency issues that any...

damn it almost did it again

It was a good fun read...

8/10


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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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The writing was fine, but the ending kind of ruined it for me. Was the 74 year old Granddaddy supposed to get turned on by the 12 year old? And, was Gramma supposed to be happy/turned on by Granddaddy having been turned on by the 12 year old? Left a bad taste in my mouth.

Can 12 year olds get tattoos at legal tattoo businesses?

Neapolitan not Neo...

Good job. Just wasn't for me.


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Gum
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
It was creepy and grammy knew that with granddaddy's potency issues that any...


Haha! Dan. That didn’t even occur to me till I read your comment. Ol’ gramps was probably impotent all these years and the Femme Fatale was like a shot of Viagra, so of course Granny doesn’t give a hoot how he got it up... she’s just gonna ride it out, so to speak. So wrong on so many levels but, funny as sh!t now, lol.
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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one starts where it doesn’t need to start.  Why not put the girls with the grandparents?  

Can you think of a better name than granddaddy?  Most grandchildren I know go with short names for Nana and Pops.  Make it sound as if these people are close to each other.

I like that you make one virtuous and the other a tart.  Works for me.  You can push the envelope here since that’s what this one is all about.  

Now, I would enjoy this more if gramps took to the tart.  Send Nana and Val out for something so gramps can get her alone?  Hmmm…well, this isn’t that kind of story.

Not bad.

Best
Richard
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Caye makes me think of Lolita, who was 12, I think.

But Caye's "flirting" with Granddaddy seems mostly unconscious here, the kind of thing young girls try out developmentally without knowing it.

The words she puts down -- hard, panties, wet, semen -- are another story. She might be choosing the words she had wanted to use in her texts to the boyfriend but couldn't because Grammy shut her down. Maybe she  figured the old folks would not recognize what she was doing. More likely, she didn't care.

Having taught middle school for a dozen years, I can say this tale definitely rings true.

P.S. To the writer, Babs Crel. Nice anagram there.




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