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Enjoyed this, well written and well paced... but did sort of lose me towards the end, wasn't sure who was dead when and who was calling Thomas... might just be me!
Enjoyed this, well written and well paced... but did sort of lose me towards the end, wasn't sure who was dead when and who was calling Thomas... might just be me!
Hey, Anthony. This one's mine.
I wrote it real fast. I did it on a request by a director. He wanted 7 pages, big twist, one location, fewer actors the better, horror.
So this was the first thing to pop into mind. I wasn't happy with it. He said it was "too dark" and didn't use it.
SPOILERS
Basically my idea was, that doctor rambles something in a state of delirium as she's dying (you, me, call Thomas) and because the kid is under hypnosis he thinks it's instructions for him to be her and call Thomas So that's what he does. So, it's the kid all along but he thinks he's the doctor. But it's actually him that killed her. She's dead and he's on the phone.
I liked this one, and I think it can work. The problem for comes when James knows so much about the doc. Wouldn't it be very difficult to carry on a conversation with Thomas? And becoming the doc would have to be signaled through some missteps with Thomas. Give us a chance to wonder what the hell is going on. Why doesn't she know about the stuff Thomas knows about? At the end we can put it together.
I liked this one, and I think it can work. The problem for comes when James knows so much about the doc. Wouldn't it be very difficult to carry on a conversation with Thomas? And becoming the doc would have to be signaled through some missteps with Thomas. Give us a chance to wonder what the hell is going on. Why doesn't she know about the stuff Thomas knows about? At the end we can put it together.
Thanks for reading Richard.
In the beginning I did add the man on the phone getting cut off as he was about to ask a question. The kid doesn't say anything personal about the doctor, only what happened in the room, things he would know because they happened to him. When sees himself in the mirror, he snaps out of the trance.
Jumping timeline and character misdirection makes it tricky to keep up with at times -- but I suspect that's more of an ‘on paper’ than ‘on screen’ problem.
I like what you have to work with: a young boy who may or may not be a vampire -- nicely framed by Renfield Syndrome. Desperate parents hoping for a cure (a nice hint that it could be ‘hereditary’). An initially skeptical psychiatrist forced to confront their patient when her very non-scientific curiosity triggers his bloodlust.
I think certain decisions reflect the speed at which you said this was written. The character misdirection feels too forced -- too convenient. I’m not convinced of the logic behind it other than the need to provide that twist.
The ‘call Thomas’ device provides a means of getting your story across but leaves you with a ‘character’ entirely passive to events. Is there a better means to relate the story? What about re-framing from another perspective? Could James be recounting parts of his previous therapy to a ‘new’ psychiatrist? Could be this has happened before...
I think you’ve got a sound idea -- decent as it is if you don’t dig too deep. It could be one worth revisiting to make it a whole lot stronger.
All the best,
Steve.
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