In 20 Years by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - Best friends discover that they cannot continue as best friends. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hi Richard,

Caveat... feedback from a relative newbie...

Good writing.

There were a quite a few characters in 8 or 9 pages and  the story seemed to meander through the middle, not sure the father-Rob sequence was really necessary, and probably Glinda and the brother got a bit more screen time than was necessary for my liking. It seemed established that Rob was skipping town pretty early in the piece. These sequences just seem to overlay the same premise.

I though the story was headed towards Claire making a last ditch shot to keep Rob, but it just moved organically to the known conclusion.

But a nice 'lost opportunity' story with softly bittersweet ending.

If you want to like overlap and connect the scene with Glinda and the scene with Virginia, I would recommend stopping the scene with Glinda after "He makes me laugh, really laugh. He's fun."

I don't see the reason to overlap the scene with Virginia and the scene with the father.

It seemed to move quite slowly, and I wish we had gotten to see Claire and Rob together more than just at the very beginning and in the last scene.

All,

Thanks for the reads and the comments.  I hate when I don't get across what I want to say.  This is one of those times.  I was trying to get across in the beginning that he's moving to her city to be close to his best friend.  It's only after he realizes how that will play out that he decides to take a job some place else.  My bad.  Cross-sex best friends is a difficult topic, and this one didn't make the grade.

Thanks again.

Richard

Hi richard

I started off writing  about how you read a lot  around here and how you should have feedback,  then I wiped the whole lot with my review.  I'm just getting to grips with my new iPad .

Sorry, you'll just have to have the reflections I have.

In short, i liked this.

Nice to have a piece with an emotional heart, rather than the usual death and destruction from some bitter writer.

Reflections;

Make the opening scene link in later - it's a lost cinema scene. Could  they visit the same film alone later on, for example?

Make it very clear why they don't link up at the end - I didn't get that, at all.

Add a touch of the soul mates linkage - like shared stuff, but above all, acceptance of each other and their weaknesses, to show why they should be. Why they should remember. Part of this script should be a reflection of that decision. I could almost see this inter cut with pre meeting, and post meeting life.

To some, this should be the end. And that's it. The romantic in me wants to see a possibility hung out there.

This script says, somethings are meant to be, but shit gets in the way. Make us really feel it. It's close, and I like it.

I want to cry at the end,   and I don't quite get their.  

All the best.

Richard,

The transition from Rob being on the plane Skyping with Claire, then the next scene to her in her office I thought was a continuance of the Skyping scene.

When I read this last week I didn't want to comment because I was afraid I just didn't get it. But I was drawn back to this for some reason. And I think it works, but drama is tricky. This is a serious piece, and its got a good close but I don't think it's enough. I think there needs to be something more in Rob and Claire's 20 year conversation to help drive home the point she is trying to make. Where are they? The ice cream shop right? Something like have a waitress come over and say "Will that be all for you" or something along those lines to help drive home that final point I think would make a world of difference here.

Also, a couple times I noticed you overlapped dialogue from an existing scene into the next one. And while I have no problem with that, I can see how a newer reader might get a little confused. I think if you do that it should be necessary to hear that dialogue only if there is a reason for us to hear it in the previous scene, meaning there's a somewhat profound connection between the two.

Lastly, I feel there's too many characters here for a ten pager. Initially, I got a little lost. But that wasn't the case on the second reading.

My point is that this is easy to get lost in. Upon the second reading I was fine, I got it and thought it worked really well. I think it's our job as writers to make it as easy as possible first time around. Just me, though.

Steve

Richard

I really enjoyed this. Yes, there are some issues with some of the scene changes, but on a second read it  becomes more clear.

I agree that it's nice to see something with some heart, as opposed to all the gloom &  doom.

One more thing. I think you write superb dialog. It's natural and fluid, and one of the best on this site.

Cheers
Ron

Ron and all,

Thanks for the feedback and any kudos.  This one was inspired by two people who were best friends but had no romantic play.  The question was what might happen if they remained that way, devoted to each other but unwilling to be more than best friends?  

Best
Richard