The Garden by Vladimir Jovanovs - Short, Horror - A man tends to his garden at night, but something more sinister is at play. 7 pages - pdf, format

This was rather interesting. Took me three reads to completely understand it (specifically Tom's roll).

In the first paragraph you introduce John in parenthesis. You then introduce him properly a paragraph later. Either introduce him in the first paragraph or later. No need to have his name twice like that.

I enjoyed it overall. It just felt different.

The only thing I can suggest is to add 'psychological' to the genre list. I feel like that would point readers in a better direction when they dive into the story.

Demento,

I love the whole vibe of this and the originality!

SPOILERS BELOW:

Feedback as follows, as I read. Discard or use what you want.

First off, I gather you're not a proponent of FADE IN or FADE OUT? Launching right in is seen more and more these days but I'm still a traditionalist when it comes to this especially if you decide to FADE at some point in the middle of your script (even though technically others would argue this is up to a director). Apropos that last I think you create your vision and should choreograph it the way you see fit to create the visual story, but each to their own.

First off perhaps call your opening slug: GREENHOUSE - instead of indoor garden.

And: his shiny shoes are covered in dirt instead of earth - there is a difference.

* Re character names, I did have to keep looking back to see which character was Tom and which was John - I'd give them more varied distinctive names i.e., Tom and Sebastian, or Dominic - something with an added syllable, and something to add a distinctive flair for your main character as well.

p. 2 use 'throughout' one word, not 'through out', alternatively: scatters the seeds

Sticking them in, randomly, about.
Could be improved. Poking them into the soil randomly (you don't need the 'about' because the 'random' does that for you) and I personally think 'poking them in under the soil'.

I suppose it could be ongoing and so 'do you' would be apt however if he's referring to something that happened already 'did you manage to get a discount...' might roll off the tongue a little smoother and is probably more apt.

I’m one of those that forgives.
It's dialogue so it's quite reasonable for the character to say 'that forgives' and anything goes in dialogue, however I'll just give you a heads up grammatically that if you're referring to a person (as opposed to an object) it's usually 'who forgives'

Upgrade. Is fine.
However - this character has a real sarcastic tone so I'd personally add to it.
i.e., Hmm, upgraded did we. My, my, this one must have been really special...'


What did he do in the bedroom, do tell?
Love this line, great wit.

John moves
John moves where? Okay I get it, but perhaps: John moves through/past rows of seedlings, until he comes to a section where everything blooms...' or is in full bloom.

I didn’t get full-blown sunflower
I didn't get a full-blown sunflower Or: I didn't get sunflowers and...'
Don't forget to include the 'article' in your writing i.e., a, an, the etc. Google grammar on articles, determiners, subjects, and [i]this v that etc.[/i]or I'll point you in the right direction if you want. It's common with ESL to leave these qualifiers off but an easy fix to get in the habit of using, once you aware.  

Example: He's referring to the past so:
he had to have done something special to earn it.
Should prob be: He had to have done something special to earn that.

Did you make his toes curl?
This is already assumed so I'd embellish a bit more:
Ooh, what did you do to make his toes curl? or: Pray tell, what did you do to make his toes curl?

I know that axe across your face wasn’t your fault but the sunflower is.
wasn't your doing - perhaps?

Also, I got from this that the visual is of the actual axe embedded in his face. Is it? If not we'd just see a wide and bloody gash only, and the axe stuck in the face would be particularly gruesome, as in, terrific.

You know, axe across the face isn’t very romantic.
Suggestion: 'An axe across the face isn't very romantic, now is it?. Article again. By the way I think our US counterparts write 'axe' as 'ax' without the 'e'.??

Tom rises his chin, pulling down his shirt collar.
Suggestion: Tom raises his chin or: (lifts his chin), pulls his shirt collar down to reveal...'

John walks (be wary of the generic and boring verb: 'walks' - choose a verb that fits the mood of the piece and of the character) a verb that pops.
over to an empty hole. Also freshly dug. An empty grave.
Hmm, not sure the staccato works and it's a bit awkwardly written imh.
John strolls/saunters/sashays over to an empty hole in the ground, closer inspection reveals it's a freshly dug grave.'

He reaches into the bag of sunflower.
He reaches into the bag of sunflower seeds (again, don't forget your subject) or: he reaches into a bag of sunflowers - reading on I gather they're seeds though cause he spreads them around, and a bag full of sunflowers would be some image, scattering them about, I mean..

It’s tidedto a beam
(typo) It's tied to a beam

rope descending down
'descending' already implies the 'down' so no need for both.
Suggestion: a rope descends from the ceiling

A contraption of
sort, set up to fill the grave.
This should be: a contraption of sorts, set to fill the grave.
(alt suggestion: rigged)

takes out a...'
Simplify this: 'takes a straight razor from his pocket'

conscious.
conscience (I think you mean)
conscious means: aware, awake
conscience = a person's moral compass/sense of right/wrong etc.

it’ll be in earth,
in the ground

fuck you alll
typo - all

John slices his jugular.
Personally I'd write 'neck' in the previous/first line and save the actual 'jugular vein' descriptor for when he actually takes the knife to his own throat and cuts.

earth pours
Yes, technically, we live on the earth, walk the earth (top layer) etc. but you're referring to what lies beneath - the stuff of the earth. I'd use a word like: dirt, soil, loam, etc.

And I wouldn't repeat the word 'earth' here:
Earth falls in, bit by bit, ...
Be graphic with it too, ramp it up - this is your penultimate visual of soil/dirt mixed with fertilizer and god knows what else, raining down onto his face, into his eyes, up his nose etc.

the opening of the whole looking down.
the opening of the hole (whole) means 'entire'.
It's a homophone. Should be hole in the ground. I think this is just a typo however cause I'm pretty sure you spelled it 'hole' prev.

Finally, your parting line of dialogue.
Welcome to Ghostville, USA. Where if you don’t go straight to hell, we’ll make hell here for you.
Needs a bit of a revamp that last line to make it pithier. There's a certain poetry to the first part of the line, but then the last kind of peters out a bit.

Something along the lines of:
Welcome to Ghostville, USA , your own little patch of hell on earth.

Also, I'd avoid editorialising with your last line 'No peace found' it's not necessary imh and dilutes everything that came beforehand imh.

dirt falls in his eyes would be better than 'on' - more visual, more horrific.

Perhaps just a frightening visual at the end i.e., John's mouth gapes open in a silent scream. Or, 'the gaping black hole of John's mouth as it opens, a silent scream' then it fills with dirt, something like that

Dirt closes the grave. John’s face grimaces in agony as it does.
'...as it does' is awkward, sort of disconnected from the initial line. Like I said I'd describe John's face disappearing under the dirt rather than the static 'closes the grave'.

Suggestion: The last of the soil falls/dumps into the grave, John's face and body completely covered. Also:  John's agonized face must surely come before the description of the grave filling - unless it's the look of agony on his face standing amongst the other men??

Okay, few technicalities aside I throughly enjoyed this macabre little tale. All these lost and discarded lovers rising from the grave - potentially a great feast of gory visuals. One of the characters reminded me of the character in The Sixth Sense - the half naked crying young chappie who breaks into Willis's house in the opening scene.

As for story I think I know what's going on here plotwise but I also think you could add a little to the character of John in the beginning - little bit more backstory/motivation perhaps? Unless he's just a psychotic twisted nut-case. At the outset he seems oblivious to Tom's taunts, cool as a cucumber, so him doing himself in at the end came a bit left of field for me. I gathered before this, given how many casualties there are in his garden that there may have been more to come.

I think filming it as is, there needs to be a little more story wise, just something extra... I'll be interested in your take on this.

That said, great work.

Vladimir,

Some notes.

I like this story in many ways.  I'm not sure it has the kind of surprise ending I like, but it does move along in a logical way.  The killer can't escape the many ghosts of his victims and so chooses the confines of the grave--but that offers no solace either.  There are some typos and problems but others have noted those.  And if he intends to thwart all the ghosts, why bother with a cut at all?  Simply fall into the grave, get covered up, and suffocate?

Good job.

Best
Richard

I had a lengthy response all typed out with quotes, but something happened and... boom. It disappeared Sadly, I'm too lazy to type it out again. But I appreciate all your reads.

RE: Chase - That's a fair point. I think it's more interesting if the reader discovers the tone as the story unfolds. But some I guess might want to know what they are getting themselves into.

RE: Libby - Thanks for all those great notes! Especially for catching those typos. I'll never make that "through out" mistake. That was a mistake. Rest were just typos. I usually use a chrome add-on called "Speak-It" to read over the scripts to me, so it's easier for me to catch the typos. Cause I read them on autopilot and don't really read what's on the page, but what I think is on the page. I do that for features as those are more my priority. Didn't do that with these shorts. Should have.

The Greenhouse point is great. That seems more fitting.

This was written in one day about a year and a half ago on the request of a director who needed a script to film and enter a contest. He offered me like 3 locations and I picked "a creepy garden". So, I didn't really put a ton of thought into it, plus it had to be 6 pages max. He didn't end up using it and chose his own script, filmed that. But I liked the idea.

RE: RichardR - The main character thinks he's crazy, he only in the end finds out they're ghosts. I think the slicing of the throat was a more dramatic moment. Add some gore, make it more visually interesting. So that's why that was put in there. Shock value. For a great shot.

Vladimir,

I really enjoyed this one. Others have commented on the grammar and format.

Tom was a bit heavy on dialogue a couple of times. I understand he was the main story teller of the piece, in my unsophisticated opinion a few lines could have been cut to just bounce the interaction a bit better.

But a good read and would be fun to watch if and when filmed.

Cheers

Chris

^^
Thanks for the read and nice words, cbead! I like writing dialogue, it's the easiest thing for me to write. It comes very fast. Most of my scripts are dialogue-heavy. These posted here are pretty tame. You should see my features

Cheers!

Vladimir,

This feels familiar, was it part of a OWC at one point?

Engaging and inventive read -- the question of what John’s planning and why kept me invested.  If there’s one element I’d consider strengthening it’s giving us a greater sense of John’s torment and what has pushed him to this.  We’re led to assume John’s victims have been haunting him for some time -- finally driving him to take his own life.  I get that John’s supposed to be a cold-blooded killer, but he seems more belligerent than troubled by their presence which feels somewhat at odds with his actions.  I think giving us a stronger sense of his desperation (the loss of control in his life, something that could be important to a serial killer) could help make that payoff even sweeter.  

All the best,

Steve

Quoted from stevemiles Vladimir, This feels familiar, was it part of a OWC at one point? Engaging and inventive read -- the question of what John’s planning and why kept me invested.  If there’s one element I’d consider strengthening it’s giving us a greater sense of John’s torment and what has pushed him to this.  We’re led to assume John’s victims have been haunting him for some time -- finally driving him to take his own life.  I get that John’s supposed to be a cold-blooded killer, but he seems more belligerent than troubled by their presence which feels somewhat at odds with his actions.  I think giving us a stronger sense of his desperation (the loss of control in his life, something that could be important to a serial killer) could help make that payoff even sweeter.   All the best, Steve

Hey, Steve. It was part of STS a year ago, under a different name and slightly different.

Funny you should mention this. I hadn't read this in a year or more. I just did a few hours ago and I thought the same thing. I initially had a comical reason why John takes his own life, but that didn't play well with people and most didn't see it as funny. So I left it out. But I just read it, and that was the thing I came away with, that John needs more anguish and a hint to a reason why he's taking his life. Not flat out saying it, but just hinting at something.

This was written for a contest and had to be 6 pages max. So I was bit restricted in what I could put in. Now that I'm free, I might expand it.

This one was a bit too creepy for me.