Vein by Ken Cohen - Short, Drama - Hours before her wedding, Jean receives some heartbreaking news from her fiance Philip, which sends her on a dangerous path to create a new photograph showing their love, even though it doesn't exist anymore. 12 pages - pdf, format

Ken,

Some notes.

In my opinion, there are some problems with this one.  This is a wedding day (I think), and she is worried about getting off her ring.  When he shows up, they have 'the talk', and while she's intent on following custom as far as rings go, she's perfectly willing to cast aside the custom of not seeing the bride before the wedding.  Hmmmmm  I have a feeling that it's the writer who needs this inconsistency, not the character.

Some of your action blocks are too long.  Generally, writers strive to limit action blocks to no more than 4 lines.  The idea is to keep the reader moving down the page.  

The story is typical.  She still loves him.  He's lost that loving feeling.  And then, she becomes obsessed with creating a photograph that will show their undying love.  Had you followed that theme, you might have pushed the envelope where he points out that the photo that came with the frame is fake, false, a hypocritical play on the emotions of the buyer.  As real as a unicorn.  But that didn't come out.  What came out was a fairly typical slasher story where she kills the one she loves in some fashion.  

I didn't buy the studio scene.  It didn't seem real.  And I thought the character speeches were too on the nose.  But that's me.  

Best
Richard