24/7 Decon by George Anthony Fox - Short, Drama - Two workers for a crime clean up company start to investigate the murder scene they are cleaning, but will they find something the police have missed? (14 Pages)  - pdf, format

George,

Some notes.

We begin with a longish description of an ordinary room.  I have no idea why you include the wind as it doesn't seem to add much.  It's a pot-bellied man not a pot-belled man.  And we get to the TV reporter.  Since this is dialogue, it should be in dialogue format, not just in quotes.  And we get to 'we see' and 'we whip pan' to see the truck.  Modern screenplay writing generally eschews the 'we....' formulations.  It's pretty much taken for granted that everything you describe will be seen or heard without adding anything.

Scene 2 slug line puts us in a van.  Yet, the description calls it a 'car'.  These small mistakes signal that you haven't edited sufficiently.  Hes is not he's, another small error.  Its is not It's.  Another mistake, and by this time a harried reader will toss your screenplay on the slush pile.  Why waste time reading something full of simple grammatical errors?  I recommend a short  book titled EATS, SHOOTS, AND LEAVES.  it's a primer on the use of commas and apostrophes.  

The next couple of scenes are info dumps, and they contain information we've learned before.  Skip them if you can.  

You give us action paragraphs that are longer than the recommended 4 lines.  Break them up in some fashion or shorten them.

I'm not a believer in coincidences that favor the protagonist.  Finding the key is too lucky.  Is there a better way?

And he knows to pull up the carpet to find the box?  Is he a psychic?

And the inevitable battle over the riches.  The ending cannot save what came before as most people won't read that far.  I would advise you to read a lot of good screenplays and see how good writers frame scenes and stories.  Also, you need a refresher course on standard English.  Those small mistakes take the reader out of the story.

Best
Richard

There is a lot of description on the first page. Make sure to describe only what is necessary.

On the news, if it is the reporter speaking those words, make sure to write it as dialogue, right now it is more like that paragraph is printed on the screen.

Your sluglines are numbered (which is more of a shooting script thing) and they aren't exactly written correctly. The first one should look like: INT. JON'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Names are only in all caps in the action the first time they are mentioned. And they should never be in all caps in the actual dialogue lines (unless they are shouting the name).

Ted seemed surprised that Mr. Gee had a baby, and uncomfortable working with someone else, but it sounds like, based on what Bobby says, that this has not only occurred before once, but multiple times.

On page 8, Ted is interested in what Mike has to say, while before he seemed to have no interest at all in Mike and really didn't care what happened at the crime scene, he only cared about getting the job done. And then on page 11 he goes back to that.

Also, who is the Jon referred to in the first slugline?