Under The Jail by Marcus Walton - Short - When a man is in desperate need of a new worker, he bumps into a high school buddy, that just so happens to be searching for a new supplier. Both men come to an agreement and the terms is life changing. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hi Marcus,

I was having a hard time getting into the dialogue.  

***Spoilers Below***

When Don wakes up in the morning, that's when my suspicions were confirmed that it was a set up.  It took the surprise out for me.  Maybe Don lets Jean know where he's staying and Jean comes by in the morning to do business, then Don gets arrested.  Maybe they do business right at the bar that night, and there's the evidence right there.  You don't even need to get into the morning.  

Was Jean an informant or a cop?  And what was going on with the laptop at the end when Harold turned it around to reveal a mugshot of Ricky Taylor?  I tried to go back and see if Ricky Taylor was mentioned anywhere in the script, but I couldn't find it.  So that was a little bit odd, for me anyway.  I didn't understand the significance of it.

These are all my opinions of course.  I think that the story has potential, I just think that you could see it coming a mile away, that's all.  

Good luck,

Nolan  

Thank you for commenting:
I was battling with where the set up would take place and I really wanted to shed a light on Don's desperation. But Jean is obviously upset by past issues with the teasing of his weight and busting Don was no problem for him. He used Don's buddy Ricky as a pawn by telling Don he was moving a lot of his product. Ricky was the reason Don came to that particular city but when he was arrested he had nobody to move his product. And that's where Jean came in but Jean turned out to be a narcotics detective.

I appreciate the feedback and the fact that you gave it a read...
I will be coming out with a continued version of Don setting up his connect which will be a deeper plot to catch the king pin.

Thank You,

Marcus

Marcus,

Some notes.

From my pov, the opening scene is over-long.  I understand they need to set up a deal, but they go into a lot of stuff I’m not sure is needed.  
From the start, this one is easy to figure out.  And I was hoping Don was going to be smarter than he turned out to be.  You would think he wouldn’t have reached where he is without being smarter.  Which would be a good reason for a reversal.  That’s me.

And then, there’s the issue of action.  Not much happens in this one.  Some chat, an arrest at the end that goes down way too easy.  I was hoping Don would reverse things by not bringing any dope, or by being DEA himself.  Or pick a third option.  In any case, it doesn’t have enough visual appeal for me.  

Best
Richard