Water's Edge by Chris Keaton - Short, Horror, Fantasy - A girl suffering regret after an abortion receives pity from an ancient mythological being. 6 pages - pdf, format

Chris.

I would rework the Victoria character a bit. I didn't sense her regret about the abortion, and the fact that she didn't tell Mark makes her seem a little cavalier about it. This could be easily done by giving her a little more emotion. Have her look sad after Sheryl mentions the abortion, or something similar.

Great descriptions otherwise. I could definitely see this script as a film in my mind as I was reading, Thanks for posting.

Best,

John Whetstone

Chris,

Some notes.

Scene 1.  I, for one, would feel a lot more sympathy for Victoria if she weren’t smoking and drinking.  She is preggo, so foregoing drugs and alcohol might be advisable.  That she runs from the baby’s father works for me.  On rereading, did she have an abortion?  And it’s not clear to me she did.  Although that makes the drinking ok.  But it doesn’t explain her reluctance to tell the father.  I’m confused.

Scene 2.  Why does she go to the water?  Why hang around?  If she wants to avoid the guy, why not just keep walking?  At the top of page 3, Victory should be Victoria.  I know she has to be by the water for the next part, but you have to give her a reason to be there and not some other place.
And she runs into the lake monster.  You need a setup for this.  Some bit of dialogue, some hint that the lake has a monster.  Otherwise, it simply pops out because the writer wanted it there.  And why does Sheryl come looking?  

Scene 3.  And the setup comes after the payoff.  This info should be at the beginning, not the end.  Perhaps as a memory between the Sheryl and Victoria.  When they were little…
And you might consider putting this scene at night with some other troubled, preggo girl by the water’s edge.

Overall, I’d say the story needs some work on setup and payoff.  Try to find a way to twist this thing so the audience won’t automatically guess the ending.

Best
Richard