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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Priorities Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 27th, 2016, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Priorities by Glenn Gutshall - Short, Drama - A short film script that investigates the conflicting and often contradictory motivations of individuals at different levels of the military. It paints in vivid terms the consequences of these conflicts of interest. The fictional story is projected into the near future following the current trajectory the military is following. 9 pages - pdf, format


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GGutshall
Posted: March 27th, 2016, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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This is my very first script.  I've written fiction before, but never tried a script.  So I found myself sitting in front of Celtx.  I wrote this pretty much stream of thought while reading the script formatting guidelines.  So there's probably a lot of issues to be found.  Please give it a read and help educate me!
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EvanD
Posted: March 27th, 2016, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn, I enjoyed this short.  I have family and friends who are or were in the service and this pretty much sums up their stories and complaints they had about the bureaucracy. Disclaimer: I'm no formatting expert so hopefully some more experienced people chime in to help with that.  However I'll point out some things I've learned along the way.
1) I'm not sure if it's something you did or a setting in your program, but you don't have to start a new scene on a new page, it can start right after the previous scene ends on the same page.
2) Actions and actions lines should be as brief and to the point as possible.
3) As a general rule us writers are encouraged not to give camera directions unless it's important to the story.  As writers we are you give the story and trust the cast and crew to bring it creatively into being. It's a hard thing to do.  I recently had one of my scripts produced and I was on set for the filming. I watched things get changed and things filmed differently than I imagined. It's frustrating but we have to trust their craft. If we are lucky they ask for our input (the director and producer of mine did and I was ever so greatful). So that said the camera zoom on the glass and then out on the soldiers forehead while an awesome idea is outside the scope of our duties.

Anyways keep up the good work. Story is the first and most important part and formatting after. In this script I think you did splendid on the story.  As I've been told: bad formatting can be fixed for a good story, but even the best formatting can't fix a bad story.  So Kudos to you on your first script!


Evan

If there is anything that I am, I am teachable.

I'd appreciate any feedback you're willing to offer on my scripts:

A Valediction - 24 pages
The Dungeon - 9 pages
The Undone - 17 pages
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eldave1
Posted: March 27th, 2016, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Just a couple of nit comments, Glen.

As Evan said - nuke the camera directions.

Break-up some of your action scenes - they are far too long - try to limit them to 4 or 5 lines. As an example:


Quoted Text
Line Troop leans forward into the sandbags of his fighting
position, shoulders his weapon and begins firing in the
direction where he had located the approaching armor,
mumbling curse words under his breath as he does. He is
joined at the wall by Edwards and Second Troop. Dirt begins
kicking up from bullet impacts all around them as they fire.
Eventually Edwards breaks and runs. He’s gunned down, shot
in the back as he does. Then there’s a large explosion. The
camera falls over on its side and is obscured for a time by
smoke and flying debris. As the smoke clears, the camera is
zoomed in on Line Troop’s face. He’s lying on the ground his
eyes opened but vacant - obviously dead. The sweat on his
forehead has been replaced by rivulets of blood. A booted
foot lands between the camera
and Line Troop’s face.


Doesn't have to exactly this, but you can pick up the pace by breaking the above up something like:

Line Troop leans forward into the sandbags, shoulders his weapon and fires in the
direction of the approaching armor, mumbling curse words under his breath as he does.

Edwards and Second Troop joinsLine Troop at the wall. Dirt begins
kicking up from bullet impacts all around them as they fire.

Edwards breaks and runs. He’s shot
in the back and collapses to the ground.

A large EXPLOSION creates smoke and flying debris. When it clears it reveals
Line Troop’s body on the ground. His eyes opened but vacant - obviously dead. Rivulets of blood drip off his forehead.

A BOOTED FOOT lands next to Line Troop’s face.


You are missing commas in several places in the dialogue before a name.

e.g.,


Quoted Text
ORDERLY
Captain Wilkes says we are sir. He
said they’ve been seeing a lot of
armor activity in his sector lately
and that his men have needed to use
them.


Need to be a comma before Sir

Also - wasn't COl Jessup the name of the dude in "A Few Good Men"? - is this suppose to be the same guy?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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GGutshall
Posted: March 27th, 2016, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Evan, I appreciate you taking the time to read it.  I really enjoy the writing format.  I certainly have a lot to learn though so I appreciate your pointers and will take them into account.  I enjoyed the format so much that I've started two other scripts with ideas I've had rumbling around for some time now.  One is in the sci-fi genre, a full length movie that I'm about half done with.  The other is a crime thriller.  
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GGutshall
Posted: March 27th, 2016, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1

Also - wasn't COl Jessup the name of the dude in "A Few Good Men"? - is this suppose to be the same guy?


I'll be danged!  Guess I'll have to pick another surname.  That was entirely by chance.  

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RichardR
Posted: March 28th, 2016, 8:18am Report to Moderator
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Glenn,

Some notes.

Let’s start at the beginning.  The US armed forces are among the most advanced in the world.  They would not use paper to requisition supplies unless electronic sources were not available.  Since you have soldiers on computers, there is no reason for a paper form.  Orderlies are medical personnel, I believe, and hence not in the command bunker.  Make her a PRIVATE or CORPORAL or E1 OR E1, and you’ll have an authentic scene.  Generally, the US doesn’t quibble about arming its forces.  Now, that can change in the future, but then, the future probably belongs to robots
The next scene puts us in battle.  Others have already recommended breaking up long paragraphs, so I won’t go there.  The camera directions are generally not needed.  In the face of overwhelming force, I would expect the troops to begin a tactical retreat if possible.  No solider ever won a war by dying nobly for his country.  .  And what about air cover?  Reduced to rifle fire?

In HQ, I would expect some upgrade to maps and paper.  Why not a big screen with lots of electronic data?  Here is where we get to the meat of your story which is taking soldiers off the line for sensitivity training.  OK, I’ll buy it given our current state of affairs.  Find a way to cut down on the dialogue.  These are soldiers who know each other.  There is no reason for them to explain to each other.

The last scene doesn’t work for me.  Far too wordy.  Again, these are men well known to each other and well aware of the current situation.  You’re using the General to explain to the audience, not to the colonel.  I understand what you’re trying to convey, but the dialogue is clumsy and too on the nose.  Generals don’t become generals without a degree of tact.  In fact, they go to school to learn how to handle sensitive situations—especially in front of a third party.  I believe you want a schmoozy general, not a blood-and-guts one.  That’s me.

I think that if you’re going to show a future conflict, try to imagine what that might look like.  What weapons and tactics might be used.  If the conflict breaks down into 20th century technology, then perhaps society has broken down also.  

You know about your formatting issues.  Take a hard look at your dialogue.  With characters that know each other well, there’s generally no need to explain too much.  

Best
Richard
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GGutshall
Posted: March 28th, 2016, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Richard,  thanks for your pointers.  I will try to incorporate them.  

As a veteran, I can however tell you that regardless how technological we become, our military is constantly saddled with certain archaic practices.  These archaic practices drive soldiers absolutely nuts spawning much grousing in the rank and file,  Things like requiring a physical signature on requisitions are still codified unbreakable rules.  

Also, as a former soldier that served during a time when we were recklessly cutting budgets, I can tell you that providing essential materials, equipment and training in times of short budgets often takes a backseat to ridiculous political peccadilloes.  Budgeting decisions unfortunately are often nonsensical when those making the decisions are doing so with other priorities first in mind before the well-being of the troops.  It is precisely this absurdity that I was trying to point out.  

As a concrete example of this, I served in a front line unit with an actual on-going mission.  At any given time we could only mobilize 30% of our vehicles to do that mission because so many were broken down and there were no parts available to fix them...  

We did however have plenty of money to pay for lots of politically motivated training classes that did nothing to make us better at being lethal (a soldier's first job).  I was stationed in a foreign country and "cultural sensitivity" was a frequent topic.  Also we had to go through and repaint all of the vehicles  (even the dead ones) because they had decided we needed to have a minor change to the ratios of colors in the camouflage pattern.  Of course all of that paint came from a company based in a certain Senator's home state.

Lastly, high ranking officers do occasionally have a low-ranking personal assistant called an "orderly".  Frequently this person is also their driver. See first definition here:  http://www.definitions.net/definition/orderly

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GGutshall  -  March 28th, 2016, 3:08pm
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RichardR
Posted: March 28th, 2016, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Glenn,

My mistakes.  

Best
Richard
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