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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Safe Zone Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Safe Zone  (currently 1748 views)
Don
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Safe Zone by Lee Cordner` - Series, Action, Horror, Drama - In a world overrun by zombies, one haven remains. Survivors within the New York safe zone struggle with their daily lives and responsibilities as threats within the wall and beyond threaten their very existence. 53 pages - pdf, format

The Safe Zone Episode 2 by Lee Cordner - Series, Action, Horror, Drama - As Walker attempts to gain control of an asset, Hades extracts information from the captured prisoners of war. Meanwhile, Higgins tracks the killer, who has taken another victim hostage and Sasha makes a shocking discovery. 53 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 7th, 2016, 6:04pm
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Leegion
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for uploading, Don.

This is a zombie series I've been working on for a while, finally got the first episode done and here it is.  It's not a traditional run-of-the-mill zombie show like the Walking Dead, it's much different.

I wanted to explore how society would function in the zombie apocalypse, and in this series, I wrote it so the survivors are just like us.  They have jobs, go to school, live daily lives, etc.  

I won't give anything away, but I think it'll surprise you.

-Lee
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CameronD
Posted: March 31st, 2016, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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Leegion! You're back! (I think, or have you been back for awhile?)

What's up? How ya been?


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Female Gaze
Posted: March 31st, 2016, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Hello.

So I read a fair amount of this script and I gotta say I do enjoy the 'humans living among zombie's' premise.
You don't have to mention 'Walking dead' some things are just unavoidable in terms of similarities in the same genre. I personally have never seen 'Walking dead' so I can't compare but I wouldn't anyway.

In the opener I would have loved NO DIALOGUE whatsoever and also I wish we didn't know anyone's name just yet. It's not important especially because they don't seem particularity close to one another. A group of teens shoved together in a bad situation is good enough they don't need to be BFF's.

You have a good handle on writing action. This reads like a script for a video game.

Also, when one of them dies and the other gets hurt I didn't care just yet because I didn't know them yet. So when Jason dies who cares? Zombies + night tine= someone ain't gonna make it.

Format wise- I'm not gonna go on and on about because I guarantee 5 other people will tell you how it's off putting with the BOLD and the CAPS- I will say pick one and stick with it.

And we don't need the (RE I think we can figure it out.

The dialogue is way too on the nose and brevity will be your friend here. No words works better to build tension in my opinion.

The thing with WALKER was a surprise...I had to think about who he was for a sec but I got there.

Why did Ashley just spill to the cop? I didn't get that...so he got attacked also...he's still an asshole.

And why are the cops still even working? Military people are all over.

The morgue scene is cool and pulls the story forward for me. The dialogue needs to be cleaned up a bit though.

HIGGINS
Dead don’t mind. And it’s a morgue.
(could easily be: "Dead don't mind.")

BRODY
I’m not dead, detective Higgins.

HIGGINS
Yet, but page me at four o’clock in
the morning one more time and maybe
I’ll rectify that.
(He seriously has a pager in 2018?? And again this is his job. If he took it seriously he would not be pissed about getting a 'page' at 4 in the morning. Maybe something along the lines of "This better be good.")

DREW is annoying. That's all and he info dumped in the worst way. Fran during the dinner scene could have been better. Walker and Sasha fine. (defiant teenager and tough dad)


JASON, 18, handsome/capable. SASHA, 17, beautiful/prepared.
GREG, 18, scrawny. ASHLEY, 17, hot. OWEN, 17, tall/strong.

CAPTAIN MICHELLE TAYLOR, 28-30, beautiful yet capable with a
stony expression,

FRAN, 40-42, pretty yet worn around the edges, tough,


Can you please work on your character descripts? I really wish guys would stop using these things to fulfill male fantasies about women. Your guy descripts need work too but geeze.  Every woman you introduced is pretty or hot or beautiful but very CAPABLE.

Like it's a big stretch that an attractive girl can also be capable or complex or interesting. Also Ashley (HOT) that's all she gets? Like she wouldn't be worth mentioning if she weren't Hot? Sure you didn't want to throw in a deep or emotional for good measure?

I'm still reading this and thus far things are getting good as I read.

Good luck with the next draft. Work on that logline too.

Ashlie
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Leegion
Posted: April 1st, 2016, 4:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CameronD
Leegion! You're back! (I think, or have you been back for awhile?)

What's up? How ya been?


I've been good, man.  Working on a few projects that backed me up for a few months.  I'm gonna be around a bit now.  

Revision History (1 edits)
Leegion  -  April 1st, 2016, 6:25am
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Leegion
Posted: April 1st, 2016, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ashlie, thanks for cracking this open.  

Getting into things:


Quoted Text
So I read a fair amount of this script and I gotta say I do enjoy the 'humans living among zombie's' premise.
You don't have to mention 'Walking dead' some things are just unavoidable in terms of similarities in the same genre. I personally have never seen 'Walking dead' so I can't compare but I wouldn't anyway.


I wrote a series a while ago that was similar to The Walking Dead, just thought I'd say it was nothing like the typical run-of-the-mill thing we're used to seeing/reading.


Quoted Text
In the opener I would have loved NO DIALOGUE whatsoever and also I wish we didn't know anyone's name just yet. It's not important especially because they don't seem particularity close to one another. A group of teens shoved together in a bad situation is good enough they don't need to be BFF's.


I had no names at first, but had a bit of an issue signifying who it was doing what.  I had it as Boy#1, Girl#1, etc.  The names were added later on for clarity.


Quoted Text
You have a good handle on writing action. This reads like a script for a video game.


Appreciate that.  If the action flows, the script works.


Quoted Text
Also, when one of them dies and the other gets hurt I didn't care just yet because I didn't know them yet. So when Jason dies who cares? Zombies + night tine= someone ain't gonna make it.


Think of the opening as just that, an opening.  Someone has to die.  In some shows that I took inspiration from, The Walking Dead for example, the main character (Rick) gets shot by a criminal and put into a coma, which leads to him waking up in the Z-Poc.

Jason and Ashley are side characters/plot devices.  They're just there for two things:  1) to show I'll kill anyone and 2) to reveal a plot device (with the injury).


Quoted Text
Format wise- I'm not gonna go on and on about because I guarantee 5 other people will tell you how it's off putting with the BOLD and the CAPS- I will say pick one and stick with it.


Bold is for character introductions only, helps separate it from the rest.  CAPS for noises, as usual.  It clears up in episode 2.


Quoted Text
And we don't need the (RE I think we can figure it out.

The dialogue is way too on the nose and brevity will be your friend here. No words works better to build tension in my opinion.


It gets better.  Takes me a while to warm up to the character and find their voices so I run with cliche/OTN dialogue until I find their real voice/characteristics.


Quoted Text
The thing with WALKER was a surprise...I had to think about who he was for a sec but I got there.


Originally, this wasn't the case.  I changed it midway through the draft, thought it'd add a bit of dynamic to the story.


Quoted Text
Why did Ashley just spill to the cop? I didn't get that...so he got attacked also...he's still an asshole.

And why are the cops still even working? Military people are all over.


Yep, he's still an asshole, but in that scene I wanted to convey that she related to him in a way, as they both carried the same virus/were dealing with the same problem.

As for cops still working.  They're not.  Higgins just doesn't want to adapt to the new world and clings onto the past.


Quoted Text
The morgue scene is cool and pulls the story forward for me. The dialogue needs to be cleaned up a bit though.

HIGGINS
Dead don’t mind. And it’s a morgue.
(could easily be: "Dead don't mind.")

BRODY
I’m not dead, detective Higgins.

HIGGINS
Yet, but page me at four o’clock in
the morning one more time and maybe
I’ll rectify that.
(He seriously has a pager in 2018?? And again this is his job. If he took it seriously he would not be pissed about getting a 'page' at 4 in the morning. Maybe something along the lines of "This better be good.")


Yeah, he's got a pager.  I thought it'd work as most modern technology doesn't work anymore, apart from what the military uses.  I might change that at some point if I can find something reasonable to replace it with.

Glad the scene pulls the story forward.  Murder mystery in the Z-Poc is different, so if it works, that's great.

Dialogue definitely gets better as I get a handle on the characters.


Quoted Text
DREW is annoying. That's all and he info dumped in the worst way. Fran during the dinner scene could have been better. Walker and Sasha fine. (defiant teenager and tough dad)


The annoying little brother we all have.  He's meant to be that way.  


Quoted Text
JASON, 18, handsome/capable. SASHA, 17, beautiful/prepared.
GREG, 18, scrawny. ASHLEY, 17, hot. OWEN, 17, tall/strong.

CAPTAIN MICHELLE TAYLOR, 28-30, beautiful yet capable with a
stony expression,

FRAN, 40-42, pretty yet worn around the edges, tough,


Can you please work on your character descripts? I really wish guys would stop using these things to fulfill male fantasies about women. Your guy descripts need work too but geeze.  Every woman you introduced is pretty or hot or beautiful but very CAPABLE.

Like it's a big stretch that an attractive girl can also be capable or complex or interesting. Also Ashley (HOT) that's all she gets? Like she wouldn't be worth mentioning if she weren't Hot? Sure you didn't want to throw in a deep or emotional for good measure?


Character descriptions are my Achilles heel, so to speak.  I can't really write them that well so I just use basic descriptions.

Try to picture them as how you'd imagine them on screen.  


Quoted Text
I'm still reading this and thus far things are getting good as I read.


It gets much better near the end.  The ending catapults us forward and I try to end it with a hook that keeps you interested.


Quoted Text
Good luck with the next draft. Work on that logline too.


Will do.  And I appreciate the read.

-Lee
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Female Gaze
Posted: April 1st, 2016, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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No I don't mind giving series some love. Especially since this forum gravitates towards shorts and features...mostly shorts.

In terms of your descriptions I'd say don't do them. You can just as easily say their name and age and that's it. Let them shine through from dialogue and action I guess. P.S. sometimes I do the basic then as the story progresses I get into the meat of the character.

Please just dont make Ashley hot and then kill her!! People always want to kill Ashley...it hurts. Is it wrong I'm imagining myself  

I still dont think you need all that hubbub in the beginning...but it is your script and choice. Just remember it's not important we know.....just as long as you know.

Good luck
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