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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Midnight Clear Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Midnight Clear by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Nearing Christmas, a man with a peculiar talent attempts to give his grieving wife the most precious gift of all. 9 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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SimplyScripts  -  March 30th, 2016, 8:49pm
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spesh2k
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

Thought I recognized that title

As I've mentioned before, this is probably your best work IMO. It was a sweet story yet dark at the same time with just a smidgen of that "creepy" factor. You excel at creating likable characters that we care about but, some of the time, it gets a bit too schmaltzy for my taste. However, you avoided the schmaltz here without compromising character, thus being even more effective.

This was a great short. I think it'd place well in competitions and, of course, would make a cool, emotionally gut-wrenching little film with a heartbreaking yet hopeful conclusion.

-- Michael



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spesh2k  -  March 30th, 2016, 8:55pm
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eldave1
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Loved this - saw what was coming and it didn't matter. Very poignant.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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StevenClark
Posted: March 31st, 2016, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Michael,

Thanks for the kind words and helping with this before I posted here. This is a slightly different version from the one you read, but changes are small and only there to add just a touch more clarity to Steve's abilities. There's a line by Bryn where she says... "This one last time." Was toying with the idea of using that for the title at the last minute, but decided on your suggestion of Midnight Clear, as it just sounds more catchy and insistent. Thanks again.

Dave,

Glad you liked this. This started out as a three-pager, very non linear and ended when they danced. I sat on it for a little while until it just started to evolve into something else.

BTW, good job on The Revelator being featured on STS. That was a good one!

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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eldave1
Posted: March 31st, 2016, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Thanks much, Steven


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 31st, 2016, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven, a few thoughts, just my opinion of course...

Loved this, built the mood really effectively and there's some great imagery too... Yes the reveal was what I expected BUT that was good as sometimes stories should go where we expect and want.

I think you largely resisted the temptation to over do it, so it remains a nicely subtle drama for the most part.

A couple of things that struck me, and this could be just me...
1) Bryn, is traditionally a male name, threw me initially when it's a she.
2) I personally didn't think you needed the reveal of the sign at the end, I think you've established she's in some form of medical/nursing facility already.
3) The 'See you next year' line felt wrong to me... It implies he visits once a year which seems off if they were husband and wife.

Anyway, great effort.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 2nd, 2016, 4:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,

I'd recommend putting more emphasis on the cerebral things rather than the heartfelt dialogue and symbols. I understand the conflict, but its emotional punch never landed. It's like the characters had a relationship of no relation, no punishment, just roses and dirty cheeks.

Isn't the end reveal the question you want to ask at the start of this short? Beginning with the "why" could define the "who" in a more engaging way? I dunno, these are some of the things I thought after the read. It's a clean write for sure, it just feels to me like it never commits to one direction.

Hope that helps,
John
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StevenClark
Posted: April 2nd, 2016, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Thanks for reading -- glad it worked for you.

Here in the states I'd say it's just the opposite -- Bryn is largely a girls name.

Regarding the reveal -- I dunno. That's what I went with, and yes it can be assumed that she's in some kind of nursing facility. I just wanted to drive it home really. I guess I just wanted peeps to know "exactly" where she was.

Re -- See you next year. I'm with you on that one. I felt weird writing it, and chewed on it awhile. But in the end, I'm hoping people might have figured out - maybe - that busting her out is a yearly ritual of his, not just visiting.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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StevenClark
Posted: April 3rd, 2016, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Johnny,

Thanks for the notes, bro.

Not too sure how this would've looked had I started with the reveal. It's an interesting idea and I'll think about it. I was feeling that it might drag this out, but what I'm thinking now is it might take only a page to do so. Less than that really.

This was heavy on symbolism, wasn't it. Lost a rose -- lost her mind. Lights turning on and off -- Bryn's life doing likewise. I like that stuff, though I did feel the park scene needed something more in the way of dialogue.
Thanks again.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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Athenian
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,     

I liked this, LOVED some parts of it (especially the "I miss you, guys" scene), but do have a couple of questions:

- Is this yearly ritual somehow related to the circumstances of Cooper's death? Is it implied that he died of a bad cold that he might have caught while playing outside? I guess not, but Bryn being concerned about his health might be interpreted this way. (Of course, she may feel responsible for her son's death regardless of the way he died.)

- Bryn knows that Cooper is dead, right? Otherwise, why would she want to see him only once a year, during this special ritual? My understanding is that she believes he now exists in a different dimension. If that's the case, you could probably have the same story without her being "crazy" (studies have found that many grieving people experience such hallucinations, anyway).

Good job overall, though. A really touching script - hope it makes its way to the screen.

Manolis
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StevenClark
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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Manolis,

Thanks for your time, bud.

No, the ritual is not related to the circumstances of his death, rather it is Steve's yearly attempt to bring his wife back to reality and the real world. Steve possesses this power to make Bryn see her son though he isn't really there, much the same he made the receptionist she was speaking to Mickey Mouse on the phone.

I thought Cooper's death would have better been explained by a drowning incident, most likely taking place around the Christmas holiday. Now that is implied when Bryn's first stop is at the lake. But I can see how you might think it was a bad cold based on what Bryn said to him at the park. IMO, that was just a mother being a mother.

Does she feel responsible for his death? That's a question that's not really answered, but personally, I think the answer is yes.

I do think she knows he's dead, but she also realizes that Steve can bring him back to her, referenced by Bryn's line -- Is there enough magic left?

But this is basically a story about a man who wants his wife back and only has one opportunity a year to do so. Hasn't worked yet, unfortunately.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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alffy
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Steve

I missed this when it came up.  You know my thoughts on this already and I don't see much change since I read it before.  Anyway, it's beautifully written and has such a sad story.  Great read and top writing.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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irish eyes
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Steve

Another laugh out loud script from you and a highly original lead character name

So another wonderful thought provoking short script, I think it was pretty obvious where it was going., still you captured the sentiment really well.

Great job.


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irish eyes
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Steve

Another laugh out loud script from you and a highly original lead character name

So another wonderful thought provoking short script, I think it was pretty obvious where it was going., still you captured the sentiment really well.

Great job.


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StevenClark
Posted: April 6th, 2016, 5:23am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Thanks for the early read on this and your thoughts. Looking forward to what you have next!

Mark,

Yes,

Laugh out loud funny is just what I do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have this crazy feature I have to rewrite!

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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