#Project:Timepiece by Brandon Saunders - Drama - A famous watch featured in an exhibit is the prime target of four sets of cunning thieves as they make their destructive paths towards the timepiece and each other. 108 pages - pdf, format

Would appreciate any feedback. Good and bad. Cheerrrrs fellow script readers and writers.

Just read the whole thing and was hooked. Thought it was an enjoyable story and pieced together in an interesting and engaging way. I applaud the order of how the characters were presented. Each one was more interesting than the last which kept the pace of the story up. Writing was crisp and easy to understand. I could picture everything clearly.

Just some errors:

pg.8-

  TYSON
(to Tyson)
How about we go rustle the chain once
you got your fill, huh?

I think you meant "to Junior"

pg.15-

  BOOKIE
Bets! Bets! Place your bets!

Based on how you described the transition, I think this should be in V.O.

Pg57-

"OLD CLERK, chubby, wrong side of 60s, grease coated overalls
make him look the part - stands behind the counter."

Nice.

Pg.83-

  GRAYSON
You’re the I.T nerd, you tell me.

I think it should be I.T.

Pg.21 has the scene where Tyson witnesses the cop car crash in his rear view mirror. Reading it at first is awkward because it seems rather random. Even after understanding how it ties in, I just think it feels forced and could be executed better.

The tone of the story jumped around a lot. I could picture this as more of a comedic-drama with over exaggerated violence.

Every character seemed very cliche in their presentation. Especially Grayson. He seemed too over the top with the rich-asshole-kid vibe. Though this did not retract from my overall enjoyment of the story.

The whole "The good/bad/weird/ugly" was creative. Easy to catch on to and it carries you through the story. I didn't think "The Beautiful" tied in to the ending as well the other arcs did, which brings me to the ending.

The ending seemed underwhelming and left me unsatisfied. Julian never came across as a decent person to me. He was a cold blooded murderer who killed innocent people. I didn't feel for him at all throughout the story (Granted his character was the coolest). I pictured him like the hitman from "No Country For Old Men".

I also didn't like how Tyson was ultimately handled. He was the only decent person. To have him get shot in the back then explain through the radio he survived seems... meh. Also, Julian taking a .44 to the leg is more than just a wound.

All in all, I was hooked and read all the way through. It was a very entertaining and well put-together.
Good luck with this.

Mate, first of all. Thank you so much for reading the whole thing. It really does make me a happy chap knowing I'm not writing complete shit, haha.

Cheers for the grammar and typo picks up. That always helps a tonne!

Quoted from Chase Pg.21 has the scene where Tyson witnesses the cop car crash in his rear view mirror. Reading it at first is awkward because it seems rather random. Even after understanding how it ties in, I just think it feels forced and could be executed better.

I will definitely take some time to think this over and hopefully find a more engaging approach.

Quoted Text The ending seemed underwhelming and left me unsatisfied. Julian never came across as a decent person to me. He was a cold blooded murderer who killed innocent people. I didn't feel for him at all throughout the story (Granted his character was the coolest). I pictured him like the hitman from "No Country For Old Men".

Haha yes. Anton Chigurh is one of my favorite characters to grace the big screen and he was the inspiration for Julian.

I think I had him come out on top because I'm a big fan of the hero not winning. I think it comes down to a personal preference, but I'm defiantly picking up what you're putting down.

Quoted Text Julian taking a .44 to the leg is more than just a wound.

You could not be more correct.

I changed it to the bullet scraping his leg.

Thank you again for the read mate. If you have anything you want me to give a read, I'll be more than happy to throw some feedback and notes your way.

Cheers again