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Hank... You're not supposed to put your name to the script!!
A few formatting issues here. And the run of capitals on page 4 was confusing. Was this a montage of shots?
The plot got somewhat confusing for me in the last couple of pages, with Whatever Man and Capt Excuse and Dark Surrender. I didn't really get how they fitted in to the story, metaphors, perhaps? Sorry, it may be me, it's 1.40 am where I am at the moment.
Laughed at the opening slug, just because it's N. Korea.
Feeling a little put off half way down the first page as the writing needs to be improved. Not only that, but I'm also getting the hint that this script will be too jingoistic for my tastes.
Groaning at the mockery of the Chinese accent. It's very 1980s. I think this could work in some circles, but it's scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel comedy. I'm trying to see the funny side... but this one is way over my head.
I think there's something here, the way you relate each hero to the nation's feelings. It just needs some major clarifying.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Lots of format and punctuation errors - perhaps forgivable in an OWC. But to overlook them - the payoff needs to be bigger.
The YODA dialogue was a bit tedious as well as the broken Asian dialogue. Not sure you can overlay a nuclear holocaust in a comedy and get away with it - just not for me I guess.
Lots of typos and format errors etc but lets see if the story holds anything...
Well there's a sort of downbeat grimness that reminds me of Watchmen and SWAG feels a little like he'd fit in that universe... but I didn;t see anything funny in this - sorry, not for me.
- NORTH KOREA - This has been mentioned already, but... really? Perhaps this is supposed to be stupid, but I don't think it's funny enough to justify its existence.
- Disappointed with the inclusion of John Kerry (you don't mention his last name, but who are we kidding?). I was a transcriber and had to listen to this dude blither on at congressional meetings A LOT. I would've appreciated a satirical take on his persona, but from the first line, I could tell this would be a different character entirelyl. A missed opportunity IMO. The "wet noodle" line gave me a chuckle though. The real Kerry isn't exactly Mr. Charisma himself.
- "I always call, unless I raise" - Huh?
...and I stopped taking notes here.
The broken English is rich, because some of the lines from non-North Korean officials read like broken English. Either that or you were shooting for some specific kind of slang that I couldn't identify. As a result, I had no idea what kind of stereotype Swag was supposed to emulate. The way he spoke wasn't even consistent.
The action lines were sloppy. So were the slugs. Everything read like they were written in a rush. Some instances, you can't even tell what's supposed to be onscreen, and there're a lot of strange word choices peppered throughout. In one instance, I thought Swas was supposed to be scissoring his costume instead of cutting it up (honestly thought that was the type of humor that might show up in this script).
There seems to be some attempt at social commentary in the second half. Honestly I thought some of the ideas were clever (WHATEVER MAN, CAPTAIN EXCUSE), but I don't think they were earned or even thought out properly. At the same time, they're different. Might be worth another look and perhaps even a shot at a new iteration of this script, albeit written from scratch with more planning... a lot more planning.
Sorry, got to page 3 and couldn't keep going. Mocking accents and the like isn't really what I look for when I want a laugh. Also, it was becoming quite a chore to read.
Loved the line 'gets mad head from two hookers', lol!
I think this is written in a deliberate way as James pointed out so the grammar errors shouldn't really be frowned upon. I guess it highlights the absurd - it does have a Dr Strangelove feel near the end. A few laughs but not quite enough.
The first slug says late. What does late mean, exactly? Late in the night or late in the day Also INT. NORTH KOREA isnt right either. You need a super for that, ironically.
I know pissers were allowed, and for some reason that's how it came across to me. Then came the ALL CAPS and I was out. Nothing to see here. Not funny either.
Not really a comedy. Not really but -- Swags dialogue when he exits the meeting room is priceless. Where the hookers at. Then it went all over the place, and, did I read wrong or were you getting preachy towards the end? Very good writing here, though. Just not a comedy I could get into.
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Swag - OWC
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