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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Vigilante - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Vigilante - OWC  (currently 2281 views)
Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Vigilante by 0 - Short, Comedy - A serum has been developed which removes the power of superheroes, can Vigilante make do without his? 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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grademan
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hard to follow the story through to the end, a little blurry at times. But a couple of funny scenes in the simulation make up for it.  Although I'm not sure I caught the ending correctly. Water girl was going to clean up?
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Wes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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I'm confused.
Karren is shot but she isn't? There's a bullet but not really? But Karen is bleeding?
Who is Dr. Jekyll in this story? Why is he abusing Stuart Little's furry white ass? Where did all that come from?
What antidote? When was Vigilante drugged. Have his super powers been taken away or haven't they?
Is this a crime taking place or a movie being shot? Or some sort of police practice scenario?
Sorry but this one is difficult to follow.


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SAC
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Decent effort, but not much in the way of comedy. I suppose I get what you're going for but it never really takes off and is actually kind of depressing in the end!

Steve


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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This was a little hard to follow at times and didn't seem very comedic.

Felt like it was a scene from a larger piece.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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The concept is pretty solid. Pompous hero having to deal with the indignities of not being super powered. Just needed a little more polish and clarity for some parts. The ending in particular I'm assuming was meant to be comedic but comes off as depressing.



That rug really tied the room together.
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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Had a vague idea what it was about but it still didn't tickle my funny bone. At all.

0 laughs out of 10



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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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No laughs here and not easy to follow. More of a drama.

Sorry maybe it's just late but I couldn't get into this and I re-read some parts twice.

Good job on entering


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IamGlenn
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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:)

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0,

Didn't quite get this one. Also, quite a few typos. Feels rushed? Nothing really makes a lot of sense. Not one for me.

Glenn.


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eldave1
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the premise. That being said, I got lost right away and had to re-read the opening a few times to get everyone n the right space.

Can't say that I laughed.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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First line - "dimply" - REALLY?  Next passage ends in an orphan.  Another orphan a couple passages later.  Not looking good.

Missing commas in the first passage after the dialogue makes it read completely redonckulous.

Top of Page 2 - "I'm will not warn you again - -" - Yeah, I will not warn you again either, as I'm out right here.  Looks like this wasn't even read over a single time, which ain't gonna cut it.
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DanC
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Sorry, but, this didn't work.  It wasn't funny.  It wasn't clear what was going on.  

Sorry, but, it just didn't work.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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RichardR
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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retraining a superhero seems like a sound concept.  But this one didn't quite get there.  
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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This one read more like a drama but the opening scene in the bank had me gripped.  From the reveal of the simulation onwards, I started to lose the plot. I think with a bit of work this could be a good short drama or a comedy, I think you have options for both here but as it is, it doesn’t quite work for me at the moment.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Cameron
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 5:44am Report to Moderator
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There's a few typo's, but I can forgive that as generally liked it. A couple of proper funny moments, especially when our hero's essentially talking to a pane of glass. Worked for me
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