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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dangerous One Night Stand Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dangerous One Night Stand  (currently 1031 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2016, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dangerous One Night Stand by Edrick Joel Magambo - Short, Thriller - A vicious playboy is slaughtered in cold blood by a psychotic sex maniac. 18 pages - pdf, format


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LuisAnthony
Posted: June 5th, 2016, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Okay first things first.

Don't spoil the ending in your logline, beats the whole purpose of having one in the first place.

You bring up an interesting concept that could potentially end up being an effective and jaw-droppoing horror story.

However, it is delivered quite poorly.

First off, the situation that surrounds Bridget and this man I found to be very unnatural and fictional. I mean, you have Bridget rejecting the heck out of this guy, she even goes as far as to give him a "Fuck You". And then you have her sitting with him in a restaurant as they have diner? Not only that, but she appears to be disgusted by his presense while in the restaurant? It really begs the question as to why Bridget would accept to have diner with this creepy guy. I don't know, but it just seems abundantly irrational to me. It would have made more sense if you just had a bit more conversation at the supermarket and have Bridget actually fall for the guy.

I don't know if I'm faulty and I missed something but that is the way I saw it.

Which brings me to my next point. You introduce Bridget quite nicely, a smart woman who won't fall for any man's dirty tricks. But then the next scene (in the restautant) totally juxtaposes that, it throws any power that Bridget had down the drain.  It ultimetly makes Bridget an unlikeable character.  

I didn't make it past page 4. It's a very interesting concept that I would love to read, but you have to improve on the introduction, make Bridget more likeable and smart, and make the story coherent and grounded in reality.

Maybe later on there is a rational explanation to the points above, and if there is, my apologies.

Best of Luck,
Luis
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