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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  My Grown-Up Christmas List Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 4th, 2016, 5:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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My Grown-Up Christmas List by Michel J. Duthin - Short, Comedy - Sometimes, at Christmastime, your dearest wish can come true… 6 pages - pdf, format


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stevemiles
Posted: June 5th, 2016, 5:49am Report to Moderator
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Michel,

I can’t quite fathom the logic behind this one -- which means the joke doesn't land.

SANTA
(pointing)
That's all his fault!! He ordered me a little brother!!  

This reads as Hobbes ‘ordered’ a brother for Santa.  Impregnating Agnes would make the child Santa’s son.  If you meant a little brother for Hobbes it still doesn’t follow that Santa would be doing the impregnating over dad.  If Hobbes wanted a half-brother from Santa perhaps, but that’s an odd thing for a kid to wish for and again lacks any kind of reasoning.  Sorry, this doesn’t work for me -- the rapey vibe doesn’t help.  Maybe I’m just lacking the Xmas spirit...


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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RichardR
Posted: June 6th, 2016, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Michael,

Some notes.

I like the  angle on this one.  Boy asks for a little brother, and Santa takes it upon himself to do the deed.  Makes for a nice little tale.  Santa could have fulfilled the wish in many ways, but this is the most risque way.  I buy it.  Good job.

Richard
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