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A Family to call my own by Patrick J Gillespie - Drama - When the lives of his drug dependent parent’s spiral out of control, their seven-year-old son is forced to make some hard choices. 89 pages - pdf, format
A young boy walks the streets, checking the rubbish bin’s as
he goes.
Unnecessary apostrophe in 'bins'. The BOY should be in uppercase.
Code
A young lady wearing a designer track suit, is walking her
dog.
YOUNG LADY should be in uppercase. How old is young? Keep your sentences as active as possible, 'is walking her dog', becomes 'walks a dog'. There's a missing comma after 'lady'.
Your logline reads strange to me - "depend's" should be "depends". What hard decisions?
" CODY DEVLIN, 7, scruffy, messy, looks like he came out of a Smith Family commercial" - is that something I should understand? Am I too young or too old to get that reference? Describe in your script what that means.
The conversation between Mrs. Jackson and the police - there's a number of factual errors for me that stand out. In Australia, you can call child safety/the NSW equivelent department and make a completely anonymous tip that will be fully investigated. The police would redirect any of these concerns in such a way. Sorry if this is nitpick - I have worked in Child Safety in an Australian state so it's kind of a buggaboo for me.
You have "Heather Jackson" in her speech lines instead just "Heather". Actually, you do this for a lot of characters.
The investigation conducted by the officer is written strangely - he begins asking Cody "do you get a lot of visitors" and Cody's dad explains it away. The detective accepts this and immedietely leaves? Doesn't ring true.
Description of Terry in a "Gold's Gym teeshirt". I laughed at this, because it's so true, but will everyone get it?
Okay so, reading on - you HAVE introduced a child welfare officer into the story, which makes more sense. But her scenes are still reading weird. She's only working one case? So her manager means, she's focussing too much on one case?
I'm going to stop here. I want to finish this because it's interesting and I want to know what happens, but it's a slog. If this is your eight draft, what do you want to improve for your ninth?
Hi AlsoBen, thanks for the reply. just to give you a brief backstory on how this script was written. The inspiration came from a friend of mine, most of the events in the script are based on real life events. After a long interview, and many follow up questions, Cody's Father did bluff his way out that situation for real. Of course names, dates etc have been changed.
I wrote this script in generic terms, as I thought while interesting to me, I felt that a story based on one person would not be enough for a larger Cinema Audience. and I would like to write for the Australian market first, hence the local references, at some point once established. I would like to take my writing to larger markets.
as for the ninth draft, first the script will go to the Australian Writers Guild. for a detailed assessment, which will be the scripts third assessment. from the report and any notes, I will go from there. the Sofia character does have larger workload, which is mentioned in her dialogue. and shown as well.
I'm 15 pages in, so far I like it. Easy read. You really feel for the kids, especially Cody.
A few nit-picks on page 1: * FADE IN: -- should be left aligned. * 1st action block -- you tell us something (Smith ...), walks the streets (repeats what's in your slug), both of these are redundant. (CODY DEVLIN, 7, scruffy, messy, checks some rubbish bins.). * TEEN-AGE GIRL -- why not just TEEN GIRL. (Note: The Teen Girl is referred to as girl and later young lady. I know who she is, but is good to be consistent as you introduced her as the TEEN GIRL.) * I would refer to Cody instead of boy. * Cody checks if he is alone -- how does he check that he's alone? * a throwback to a 1970s pool guy, -- you're telling me something, not showing. * ALISON, late 20s, overwhelmed, rundown -- what does that mean (shaky hands, bags under her eyes, coughs ...).
P7: INT. HOTEL - NIGHT -- I would add LOBBY to the slug, assuming they are in the lobby.
I like to use mini slugs/headlines for sub-locations within a location, assuming same time (ex: bedroom, kitchen, hallway ...)
Be consistent in the way you handle character names. Either by first, last ot full name.
Sofia's dialogue stood out for me.
Two things that really caught my eye: I felt Officer Knight accepted Oscar's bogus answer too easily. Kind of sloppy. Sofia didn't really check out the house that much. She made a quick decision based on mostly a quick visual, a messy place. I'm not familiar with the rules and regulations of Child protective Services, but felt, at least in Sofia's case, she could have done a more thorough search. Also the way Alison talked to Sofia, wouldn't that raise a red flag?
Hi Frank H, thanks for the comment's. the FADE IN is a default setting in Final Draft, I think it can be changed, but as long as it is there I don't think it matters too much. I did have the Script professionally proof read, and notes through out the script on story and structure. the service was done by Proof my Spec. from the script notes, the formatting is good, however I will take a look. I am assuming your not Australian, so just to let you know the word Hotel here has a few meanings, it can mean Hotel as in The Ritz, but also it can mean a Pub or Bar. I wrote the inspection scene as I wanted to get in as late as possible and then get out as quickly as possible, by showing the mess of the place in only a brief time scale, I felt would be enough for the Audience to get the general Idea. I felt a more through inspection would be too long.
Hi Frank H yeah keep the feedback coming, FD can be pain in the butt sometimes, I have had a look at other software. FD is still my prefered software, I hear version 10 is coming soon. Hopefully some major improvments are on the way for FD software. I have had two professional reads/assessments, with one more to come from the AWG. Like the saying goes "just keep writting"
Finished reading your script. Focused more on dialogue, pace and story.
A powerful story. I liked it. So important with good family support and structure. Congrats on writing a good drama. I truly felt for the kids.
P71: CODY DEVLIN "I like it in here, it feels nice and safe." -- IMO, the most powerful dialogue in the entire script.
Your strong point is dialogue, which is good, in a dialogue driven script. Overall, I liked most of the dialogue. Some dialogue weak points, IMO: Oscar/paramedics, Heather/attorney, Oscar/Cody/Hospital and Dr. Ramsey. I do see a lot of commas "," used in dialogue, where I would use periods ".". Your writing style, maybe?
Sometimes I felt Cody was mature way beyond his years, sometimes he was Cody, 7 years old. Cody alone at the shopping center and other places at 7 years old, wow, that's pretty young.
We did see glimpses of Alison trying to become a better mom, but back on the booze.
The 2nd time Sofia and Alison met, Sofia had to notice Alison's bruises, but no mentioning of that.
The transition from the kids being picked up by child services to joining a foster family Erin/Nick felt very short.
At 89 pages, maybe a little short for a drama. Probably a minor point.
In dialogue to emphasize loudness (scream/yell), I believe this should be underlined instead of capped.
Curious: Any meaning behind picking the names Montana and Hannah? Is Patrick related to anyone "you" know? Patrick and his family moved away. You didn't want Patrick to reunite with Cody? P.67: What did Phoebe whisper? I might have missed that. Any thoughts on Sofia adopting/fostering Cody and Montana? Maybe not even possible within the system.
Congrats on your feature. Well done. Best of luck to you.
hi Frank H, thanks for taking the time to read the whole script, the Oscar/Paramedic scene will be re-written as I feel it is a little weak. as will the Heather/attorney scene. I have made one pass at Cody's dialogue to make it more like a 7 year old, but will do a second pass for sure. unfortunately in real life Cody's birth mum still has addiction issues, so I wanted to keep it that way. when I showed this draft to Cody, it made him cry, which was not my intention. I knew then I was on the right path in terms of making the reader care about the Protagonist. no meaning in the names Hannah and Montana, Montana is the real life name of Cody's sister. Patrick is a little joke/quirk I do with all my scripts, I like to add a Patrick character when possible. when Patrick moves away, I felt that the Patrick character had served his function and I had no other use for him, so I needed a way to have him exit the story. when Phoebe whisper into the children's ears, what I was going for, I wanted to leave that to the Audience to fill in the blank. it could be anything they want it to be. however I will take a look at it. I think it would be a conflict of interest for Sofia to adopting/fostering Cody and Montana, also in real life they both went to several homes before finding a family to live with. Frank H if you like I can read any of your scripts? Provide some feedback? any preference as to which one? Patrick P.S check out my other script 'Prisoner Sixty' if you like WW2 genre?
Seems like your script really made an impression on Cody, that's a good sign. How about Montana, how's she doing today, back on track? Based on what she encountered at the end of your script, hopefully she got her act together.
I'll have a look at your "Prisoner Sixty" when I get some time.
I recently posted my first script, "Inconceivable Pain" in the thriller section.
Hi Frank H, Montana still has trust issues, but is slowly getting better. For sure I will take a look at your script. And I will get back to you. Patrick
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A Family to call my own
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