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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Caller Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 11th, 2016, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Caller by Matthew Mosley and Justin DiFebo - Horror, Suspense, Thriller - When a mysterious caller reveals his true shocking identity, a girl and her best friend realize their life is imminent danger and must work together in order to survive the night. (one location, 4 actors, minimal budget, 'Scream' meets 'When A Stranger Calls')  97 pages - pdf, format


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BenL
Posted: June 11th, 2016, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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I only flipped through the first ten pages and I instantly noticed a few things:

- Get rid of CONTINUED: and (CONTINUED) at the end/beginning of the page
- Also get rid of (CONT’D) after the character's name

It's not really wrong to use it but I think it reads better without (and looks way cleaner).

- Make sure your action is ACTIVE instead of passive

Sara is making a sandwich -> Sara makes a sandwich
Sara is sitting back in front of the TV -> Sara sits back in front of the TV

- No need to capitalize anything in the action paragraphs beside characters when they are first introduced
- Try to avoid "we hear", "we see", this is shooting script language
- The dialogues have way too many one-liners

Other than that, there's nothing interesting going on for the first ten pages but that's just my opinion.
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MatthewM
Posted: June 15th, 2016, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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CONTINUED is a part of the FD program (though I can probably turn it off)

As for writing in caps you should write certain actions in caps to grab the attention of the reader (even if you just think there is a chance they may be tuning out)

I think you're right about the 'we hear' stuff though, I may change that.

It is a slow-burn first act and the first 10 pages are more about character and setting up the tone before (spoiler) turning what appears to be a chiche slasher opening into a different movie by having her not die and be revealed as the films main character.
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 15th, 2016, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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You said the first ten pages are about character so I took a look...

Didn't really find any. Right off the bat with the character description you don't give me anything about her personality. Personally, I'm fine with a very short description but it's still a missed opportunity.

You've got her reading a magazine. Well, what magazine? That might at least tell me she has an interest.

Then she goes to the fridge to find ice cream. No ice cream. She writes a note to remind herself to buy ice cream. Anyone might do this. It's boring. It tells me nothing about her. You should always be looking for opportunities to sneak in little bits about your character. Maybe she has a note over the chocolate ice cream with a little devil picture that says "I'm evil don't eat me!" That'd be quirky, unique at least. Or maybe she labels everything in the fridge with weird stuff. Maybe she's straight up OCD. I don't know, just give me something.

To be fair, the actual opening of Scream which you're emulating doesn't have any character development either. I went back and read it just now. The difference is that girl wasn't the main character. Just someone that gets murdered in the first ten minutes.

But right after that we meet Sidney, the main character, and look at the intro:

a young girl of 17, sits, her face glued to the computer monitor
in front of her.  CLOSE ON her face.  Sharp and clever with deep,
lonely eyes.  She's comfortable in a plain, flannel nightgown.

Look at the all information you get there. Glued to the computer, maybe studying? So maybe she's studious. We get that she's smart. That there's something more to her, a loneliness. And she's not a flashy dresser, she's comfortable just being herself.

Then from the dialogue I get more information. I learn her dad's a little overprotective, meaning maybe she's a little cloistered. I learn she's not willing to have sex yet so I guess maybe she's wholesome and innocent... and that was just me reading for a couple pages.  

I think you should go back and take a look at Scream again and other scripts and see what's really making them tick. Cuz it's not that phone conversation at the beginning. There's a lot of little things under the surface that went into making that a successful film.  



  





That rug really tied the room together.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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I have not read this script, but I disagree with MarkIt about needing to emulate a 20 year old movie script, written by someone who could write anything he wanted to in any way he chose.

Sidney's intro has absolutely nothing to do with why the film was great...and popular.

Now, again, this script and its intro and characters may not be up to snuff, but IMO, you're dolling out poor advice.
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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If you look at the first ten pages it's almost an exact copy of the opening of Scream all the way down to the repetitive back and forth questions of the phone conversation. Based on this, and the logline, and the writer's comments, I made the assumption the writer really, really wanted to imitate/emulate/subvert the plot of Scream.

To be clear, I do not in any way recommend copying the opening or any part of Scream. I don't recommend having your script have anything to do with Scream whatsoever. I don't even particularly like that movie. And the script for that film is certainly no paradigm of screenwriting excellence.


Quoted Text
I think you should go back and take a look at Scream again and other scripts and see what's really making them tick.


Key part is "and other scripts". Read something better. Aliens is one of my favorites, but that's just my opinion. But don't then go copying the opening of Aliens either. Copy the various techniques pro writers employ to build their characters.  

If you are hell-bent on imitating Scream, there are still things in that script you can learn from. And I disagree Sidney's intro has absolutely nothing to do with why the film was successful. If by that you mean it's her actions and dialogue throughout that establish character not so much the intro description, that's true. If you're suggesting her being a slightly more compelling character than the average slasher/horror lead character had nothing to do with the films success... I disagree.

My main point is regardless of genre or anything else, you should strive to make your characters as compelling as possible. That's all I was trying to say.





That rug really tied the room together.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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I hear what you're saying.

I was merely saying that a character's introduction, in terms of how it's written, has little if anything to do with how the script or even film will turn out.

A character's physical looks should really only be detailed if they are going to, or could come into play - a buff dude or chick can do things a non buff dude or chick can't...or...if the buff dude or chick is taken out rather quickly or easily, it may come as a surprise.

In the written form (and even in the filmed form) characters need to be recognizable or easily differentiated from others for sure.  But a character's true character will only be revealed through their actions and dialogue, and that's what needs to be understood.
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MatthewM
Posted: June 17th, 2016, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkItZero
If you look at the first ten pages it's almost an exact copy of the opening of Scream all the way down to the repetitive back and forth questions of the phone conversation.

It's called 'THE CALLER'


Quoted Text
Based on this, and the logline, and the writer's comments, I made the assumption the writer really, really wanted to imitate/emulate/subvert the plot of Scream.

The logline is completely different to that of SCREAM.


Quoted Text
To be clear, I do not in any way recommend copying the opening or any part of Scream. I don't recommend having your script have anything to do with Scream whatsoever.

It has nothing to do with it.


Quoted Text
I don't even particularly like that movie.

Your personal feelings about the movie are irrelevant here.


Quoted Text
And the script for that film is certainly no paradigm of screenwriting excellence.

Now it just sounds like you're trying to troll without sounding like you're trolling.


Quoted Text
Key part is "and other scripts". Read something better.

'Better' in a matter of opinion. I like to write scene descriptions more like if I were writing a novel ... by that isn't screenwriting and it's a nasty habit I have to watch.


Quoted Text
Aliens is one of my favorites, but that's just my opinion. But don't then go copying the opening of Aliens either. Copy the various techniques pro writers employ to build their characters.

Nothing has been copied they are simply simular as they both feature a mysterious caller as the bad guy.


Quoted Text
If you are hell-bent on imitating Scream,

There is no such attempt to try. It mirrors it ... but then switches from what should appear to be a chlche slasher opening to omething diferent.


Quoted Text
there are still things in that script you can learn from. And I disagree Sidney's intro has absolutely nothing to do with why the film was successful.

It had nothing to do with it. SCREAM made people think who the killer was and why each killer was motivated to kill. It was the mystery.
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 17th, 2016, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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MatthewM, apologies, I was trying to address Jeff's comments and in the process twisted what was originally meant to be a helpful post into something a little harsher. I probably should have just PM'ed Jeff instead. Again, apologies. I wish you the best on your script and good luck.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 17th, 2016, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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I actually read this up to about page 50, and that's saying quite a bit, as I just don't have the time or patience anymore to do that, unless I'm involved in the script in an editing or co-writing role.

There are issues here, but far less than most amateur scripts.  There are mistakes, as well, but again, far less than I'm used to seeing.  Dialogue, for the most part is actually quite good...but then again, there are places where it needs alot of work.

The 2 main leads come off as real peeps...real friends who actually know each other, and play off each other in dialogue and in their actions and reactions.  This is hard to pull off, and I commend the writers.

As for the plot and story, first let me say, as Matthew said, other than the opening phone scene, which, BTW, goes on an incredibly long time (in terms of pages), this is not Scream in any way, shape, or form.  It is truly a fast paced, on the edge of your seat horror/thriller that is indeed completely contained to 1 INT and EXT house, with (so far) 4 characters.

It ain't bad at all, and comparing it to the masses, whether they be scripts or actual filmed movies, it works as well or better than 75%, easily.  It may be rather cliche, and I don't know how it's going to end, and the action scenes in the last 15 pages or so are not nearly as effective as the earlier writing, but...it works...for the most part.

A couple of pointers that may help...

Needs some editing.

Watch how you break...or don't break your passages - 1 thought, description, shot per passage.

Pick a "name" for each character and do not change that in action/description lines (you go back and forth, sometimes in the same passage even with Cyrus and his last name).

Read your dialogue out loud, over and over.  Some, maybe most, is quite good, but other times, it's very OTN and completely false.

Read your action lines over and over.  Make sure the actions that are taking place ring true - some do not.

Watch the overwriting...the unfilmables, and asides, as IMO, they're not necessary here.
Finally, understand this - you have a 97 page script, but based on the first 20-25 pages being all dialogue, your finished product in terms of a filmed version, would most likely play out well under 85 minutes.

Good work.  Hope this helps.
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MatthewM
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dreamscale, sorry for the late reply and thank you for your comments.

I've changed a couple of things and it's now 92-pages. Yes, under 85-minues is actually my aim. I find that 77-minutes is the best running time to make something extremely re-watchable (The One, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, Undercover Brother etc...) I think the shorter something is the bester it can play.

The first 40-pages are only 30-minutes but the latter pages (because of the drawn out actin and suspense) would be longer on screen.  I timed it as 75-minutes myself but may have read the dialogue a little too quick. Either way, it's over 70 and over 90, so I'm good with it.

The opening scene goes on so that it intentionally looks like a cliche slasher... only to have the 'opening kill' actually turn out to be the main character of the story (hope that comes across)

I only called it 'SCREAM' meets 'WHEN A STARANGER CALLS' as the killer calling is very talky (like in SCREAM) and has a connection to the leads dead parents. Admittedly, t is far more like 'WHEN A STRANGER CALLS'.

Thanks again for your comments. Our first script, CAMP NIGHTMARE, was discovered on SimplyScripts, filmed in Poland 2010 and released in 2013 as SPARROW (sadly they cut out some action scenes for budget and my 77-minute timed script was stripped to 53 minutes, not including credits)
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Fais85
Posted: March 17th, 2019, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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Loved this one. I can see where you wanted to go with this one and you succeeded in it.

I loved the chemistry between both girls. Solid writing there. The only advice I can give you is avoiding some overwriting. But that's just me perhaps. Overall enjoyable read.
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