House Plants by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - With his parents newly divorced a young boy only seven years old, trapped in the house with his increasingly depressed mother tries to save his fathers dying house plants. Thinking this will bring him back. Restoring his family. 8 pages - pdf, format

Code LOUISE I’m too tied, I’m sorry Andrew but we’ll go out and do something tomorrow I promise. I’m just not feeling very well. You’re dad’s left me with everything and nobody is helping. (she beings to cry) He’s just completely disappeared, as though those eleven years of marriage we had meant nothing. I can’t find him. He’s not replying to my texts anymore, not answering his phone. None of his friends are saying a word to me and his family just say they have no idea. But he’s alive and well. Now I’m here all on my own without even a god damn explanation. (holds a hand to her forehead) I’m exhausted.

Now that's an exposition dump. Wow. They both already know this information, so why would she repeat it all for her son in one go? She isn't... she's repeating it for the viewer. Perhaps consider cutting this down... or even give her a reason to say this stuff, but do it in smaller chunks.

I quite like your writing... I have skipped a couple of typos though. Hopefully the dialogue improves after this.

Not bad. Tugs at the old heart strings. I'm sure you and a director could iron out the remaining creases and this would make for a decent little film.

All the best with it.

Simon,

Some notes.

As mentioned, the info dump in the beginning robs the piece of suspense.  I think you might achieve more by showing a few things--her texting, her calling her in-laws, her checking the bank account, etc.  Make the audience work a bit to figure it out, to invest some mental effort in your story.  The plants work for me, and the boy's attempt to recreate his world are a nice touch.  The lesson learned works too, although you don't have to be overt about it.  The boy is buying new plants because dad isn't coming home.  Mom understands and helps dispose of the dead and plant the new.  

Good effort and keep writing.

Best
Richard

Simon,

Story feels kind of familiar, but centering it around the plants gives you a sweet angle through which to tell it.

Not keen on Louise’s chunk of dialogue.  Way too telling.  You’ve got this great visual angle -- with the dying plants -- use that to show us how these characters are affected and work the background in around that.  It’s a simple idea, I think you could cut back a lot of dialogue and make it much more effective.

Who is Jonathan?  The Landscaper?  There’s a few different ways to format a phone conversation -- best to do a bit of research and pick the one that suits.  Having said that, do we even need to hear Jonathan?

Would a gardener keep potted plants in the back of a van?  Seems unlikely, unless if was for a specific job; then he’d have to know they were the ‘right’ ones.  I’ve known a few and was one occasionally myself -- plants don’t fare well in the back of a cold dark van.

I think the story at the heart of this is a good one -- certainly attractive for a low budget film-maker.  The lonely kid forging an unexpected relationship as he tries to revive his father’s plants.  That said it could be handled better, this is way too on the nose.  For what it’s worth I’d think there’s a stronger emotional aspect in these two working together to revive these plants than simply replacing them with new ones.  

One to stick with, all the best with it.

Steve

Hello Simon

Nice read. I agree with the other comments. Everything is a little too on the nose. Cut back the exposition, fix the phone call, and trim the extraneous dialogue.  Another pass or two and you'll have a nice little gem well worth filming.

Look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Ron