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Chef Musto by Steven Clark - Short, Dark Comedy - His sous chef is late, and the butler's giving him shit. Can Chef Musto pull off this dinner party for his eccentric British employers without losing his mind? - pdf, format
Okay I like the finished version a lot. Everythings just a little tighter which makes the read fly by. Chris worked for me this time although I'm not sure if you changed anything... maybe the line about him being all-american, or the part about him moving around a lot... regardless it works. If someone was really gonna do this kind of thing, he seems like a perfect target.
And I like the line "Sorry, kid" at the end. Can't remember if that's new either, but it's simple and businesslike and fits perfectly with their whole macabre routine.
Thanks James. I still look at it and see little nits that I can change, wording-wise. The changes I did make were minimal. Changed the opening slightly, but I'm not sure if Chris' demise is jarring enough. Might need to add something in there. What I tried to convey the whole time, and maybe this might work for some folks, was I saw a foul-mouthed Tom Sizemore as Chef Musto. That's kinda how I wrote this. Some liked it some not, but I'm glad this version worked a little better for you.
It was definitely dark, but I didn't really get any comedy out of this. That's not to say I didn't enjoy the read. I just didn't get the humor. Was a lot of insulting name calling but that's about it.
I'm not sure if the formatting is a style choice, but slugs are usually DAY or NIGHT. Personally don't like MIDDAY. Definitely don't like SAME, that's not a time of day.
What is the purpose of the underlining? Not sure it adds any effect other than to disrupt from the read.
Just a couple of missed commas, I think it was Yes, sir.No, sir.
Other than the underlining, the writing flowed and for the most part the formatting was good.
So overall, I liked it, but again not for the comedy. I will be the first to admit that I like the darker, horror type stuff. So I'm probably not the best critic when it comes to comedy, but hey, that's my two cents.
Thanks for the read. I think, if filmed, the humor would come out more in the play between Musto and Radford. Here you have two very different personalities sparring -- high strung American and a droll Brit. I feel two good actors could play very well off each other. At least that's how I envision it.
Normally I go with just DAY or NIGHT, but here I wanted to get a sense of actual time of day because there is a deadline of sorts, and time is running out. The underlining is to put emphasis on a certain word, and it's done once, maybe twice. It's pretty standard. And believe it or not, the comma's were left out intentionally too. It had more to do with the flow of the dialogue in the moment, and I understand it's not proper.
Openings that set the scene with some shots aren't my favorite. You might consider getting this done by having the butler lead Chris through the mansion. Doing a little explaining and ending by telling the brash American that sou chefs enter through the servant door.
The interplay between Musto and Radford might reach for more innuendo, something that the audience will understand later as referring to the main course.
You might consider having Musto make some comment about Chris' weight or fat or something. Perhaps, he never trusts a skinny sou chef. And Radford can talk about how difficult it is to find someone not affiliated with other agencies.
The plunging of the knife doesn't work for me. Musto is a maestro. Would he risk damaging the main course with a careless thrust? A sliced carotid would create just as much blood without damage to vital organs.
And I think you might get a bigger bang for the buck, if the Lady absolutely watches the killing and prep. Nothing like high class debauchery. In any case, good work.
Thanks, as always, for reading. All good suggestions here. The fat and skinny part is something I was looking for when it was suggested I needed a bit more foreshadowing. I used the oven instead. It might not be a careless thrust. He was aiming for the heart, just a little off. I live the idea of the Lady watching the death play out. That would have been sick, but I was going for a little more comedy so I thought her fainting then being dragged out was a little more appropriate there. We'll see where this ends up. Who knows? Thanks again!