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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Lethal Dose Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lethal Dose by Tim Murchu - Horror - If a pill could remove the conscience, what choices would be made? Two graduate students discover a drug that temporarily inhibits the conscience. After confirming the drug works in a disastrous lab experiment, they continue testing at a bar the following evening. When the mayhem at the bar inevitably ensues, the remaining three pills are lost. Although only three pills remain, six characters have reason to use them. All demons surface in a whirlwind of catastrophic events as the audience is left wondering which of six people took the pills. 116 pages - pdf, format


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Warren
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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That logline needs work, way too much info. There are countless examples on how to write a logline on the net. You should check them out.


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BenL
Posted: July 2nd, 2016, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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Logline is totally overwritten. Try to keep it under 35 words in ONE sentence. Less is more. Trust me, it works! There's always stuff you can cut out.

The script is overwritten as well. Example:

"Across the hall, DR. PERKINS, SAM’s research advisor and
professor at the university, is leaving his office for the
evening. DR. PERKINS notices that SAM is holding a camera to
bring into the lab.
"

That's four lines for two people meeting each other in a hallway.

Your character introduction reads a little awkward, plus you don't need to capitalize a character every time, only when they are first introduced.

Don't make your characters passive (FELIX is sitting on one of the bench tops of the main lab). Felix sits would be correct.

Also get rid of this whole CONTINUED and CON'D stuff, messes up the script.

Don't use transitions, they don't really belong in a spec script.

Needs a good amount of work, good luck.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: February 11th, 2017, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim,

Agree with the other two reviewers about the premise. The guideline I try and use is "A single line describing the main character, the inciting event and some hint of the outcome." Forgot which book I read that from, but I agreed with it. It may help if you decide to rewrite the logline.

BLB.


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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