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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  One Evil Man Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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One Evil Man by Steven Clark - Short, Horror - A Wiccan nurse discovers her terminal patient has more than just a passing interest in witchcraft. Much more. - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Saw the log line and got a bit scared. Sounded quite familiar to something I'm just putting the finishing touches on.

After reading it though, they do share some vague similarities but really are different stories.

For the most part I liked it. Definitely my kind of story.

I felt some of the dialogue was on the nose and a bit cringe worthy but it didnít really affect the story.

I got a little lost in what happening, and why, towards the end, but that probably says more about me than the writing.

Well written and an easy read.

Good job.


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Wes
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Took me a minute to understand that "New Beginnings" was the maternity ward of the hospital. I was thinking drug rehab.

Trying to visualize "He sharply bends his fist". Having a little trouble with that.

Starting on page four a lot of Evan's line feel cliche.

And then I started skimming.

It's cleanly written. but just not my thing.


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MarkItZero
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry man, can't really get behind this one. I liked your last one a lot but this needs work. The dialogue in particular. My advice would be go back and re-examine the characters you have here. Right now you have two pure evil guys with not a lot separating them character-wise. That might be the source of some of the stilted dialogue:

PREACHER
It's a steak.

CAROL
What?

PREACHER
It's a steak... With arms and legs.
Nothing more.

Like that. I don't think that works at all. Especially when you have Evan going on about "What I crave most resides in the blood of this child" and "I need youth... A soul unspoiled".

It's too much pure evil coming from multiple sources. I think Preacher could be re imaged as an actual preacher that's gone to the dark side but is still conflicted. He's helping Evan because he's afraid not to... but he's reticent. That could play better off Evan's pure evil talk. And maybe allow for some type of power struggle where Carol tries to convince Preacher to help her.

As for Carol, you have this strong, pure, caring woman with mystical powers. That should be your guiding light for every line of dialogue. I don't think she would say this...

CAROL
Black Witchcraft. The Hand of
Lucifer... You sick fuck!

I don't think she would curse, even in this situation. If anything, she might offer up a quick prayer upon witnessing their true evil.

And some of her actions don't make sense at all. She has powers and she's a strong woman. Why would she let Evan violate her and then attack? I get that she's trying to save the child at all cost but she's either going to beat them or the child dies. So I think she would not be afraid to test those powers the moment anyone tried to stick a finger anywhere.

I feel like you ended up relying too much on violence and gruesomeness for the shock value and not whether it really fit into the story in every case.


That rug really tied the room together.
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StevenClark
Posted: July 14th, 2016, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Warren, Wes, James,

Thanks for reading this, guys. Appreciate your comments very much.

This short was written three years ago for an
OWC. It actually held its own very well and finishes top 10% out of 50 entries, so I figured i figured it must be pretty good. I don't think it's bad, and I thought it might be cool after a slight work-up to re-introduce it. Hmm. I'm now thinking that perhaps this one read better and was more effective within the parameters of that particular OWC.

Wes, is have to look back but I think the actual line was -- he bends his fists like breaking a stick in half. Something like that. I agree it'd be hard to visualize actually bending someone's fist. But thanks for giving it a shot.

James, I take all your comments on board and you make some valid points. This was a bit all over the place in spots, and was not necessarily written to be a smart horror story. I think it goes more like this happens, that happens, then this happens. With horror I never really read much rhyme or reason into it. This was meant to be different. Lol. Peeps did like it at one point. But then again, that was three years ago.

Warren, I'm glad it worked for you in spots. And good job on being such an avid reader around here!

Steve


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RichardR
Posted: July 14th, 2016, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Steven,

Some notes.

This one has its moments, but it seems disjointed to me.  We start with the dying man and his nurse who just happens to be wiccan, good wiccan.  Then, we get the preacher who kills people just to kill them which would sure as hell bring in the police.  Why can't he get what he wants without killing?  

I don't know where the preacher got a black plastic bag, and I'm not sure why he would want one.  Just grab the bassinet and wheel it into the room.  

That the nurse is a virgin is a nice touch, although I don't think you exploit it as you might.  Her virginity works both for and against her, and I think with some effort you can really use it.

I have the same problem with the knife that I have with the black bag.  Can the preacher simply bring it with him?  Same with the ornate cup.  

I didn't get the ending.  I'm guessing the nurse has been transformed by the loss of blood, the same blood that revitalizes Evan.  

In all, I think this one has potential.  It simply needs better coordination, more quid pro quo.

best
Richard
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Dustin
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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This is very well written but does get a bit crazy at the end. There are any number of ways you can fix the issues. The nurse could use her powers right away and perhaps only then do they realise that she's a virgin. The Preacher character seems superfluous to the story and could probably be cut. Evan could, while sick and dying, use his remaining strength/powers to hold people back, until he comes up against the Nurse/Midwife (in charge of looking after the babies), who can resist his power and fight back. Blah, blah, blah.

That's one way. Kill your babies, as they say (sorry about the pun).
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StevenClark
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Richard and Dustin,

Thanks for the reads! This one will probably go back on the shelf. I gave it a shot. Besides, not like I don't have other ideas to play with. Anyway...  Dustin -- get rid of Preacher?? Are you nuts? Who's gonna administer the virginity test? Or put an infant in a garbage bag? No way!!


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