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We don't get to know too much about Emmett's background. All we know is he hears and obeys voices in his head. I liked the etching of ONE MORE on his arm. Real or imagined, not sure, but a cool visual.
I would have liked the reveal that Emmett stole the letter opener happen in the psychiatrist's office seconds before her death, rather than in his cell. Have her rummaging through the desk looking for it, then hear him mumbling.
Also, the ending image of the psychiatrist, although totally legit in this story, seems to steal some impact from your twist. I loved how the orderlies started to follow Emmett as their master, and feel this is how the script should end. Maybe have an orderly stumble upon the crime scene before Emmett takes the orderly's hand.
Just some suggestions.
Some minor typos. EMMITT should be in all caps when introduced on page 1. A babies cry should be a baby's cry on page 1. The Orderly's dialogue Quite in there should be Quiet in there on page 4,
Overall, a very good read. Formatting was very good. The CONTD's really slow down the read, so just remove them.
Warren (aka The Machine) -- Think you did a better job avoiding the list tendencies. You changed perspectives more which I think helped. It was more visual, less of "he does this then he does that...", overall just more efficient writing. Nice job.
One issue for me was the therapist giving up on the session. Her saying things like "Screw it. I give up" and "You're a lost cause" rang untrue for me. That would be very unprofessional behavior. Pretty sure you were implying from her character description she's a bit unprofessional... but still it's too far. And more importantly, having them sitting there in silence makes for a tension-less scene.
Think you missed a opportunity here to reveal a little something about the forces controlling Emmet. Obviously you don't wanna give too much. But maybe she's a bit more clever and finds a way to get him talking and asking him stuff like "Anything for who, Emmet? Who told you to do what you did?", maybe they even talk about the voices he hears and she chalks it up to psychosis. And the moment she starts getting close to something, they get interrupted or a timer goes off for the session ending.
Also, how long before this gets optioned? Ten minutes?
I didn't understand why the orderlies started following. At first I thought that perhaps he had passed on some type of curse, but then the other orderlies began following too. So it must be some type of demon, capable of possessing/mind controlling several people at once.
Why didn't the psychiatrist tag along instead of becoming a victim? Everyone else began following after the first orderly was killed and this, I assume, fed the demonic entity sufficiently enough to possess these other people. So wouldn't she have been possessed too?
Aside from that, very atmospheric, solid writing. Plenty of blood, plenty of creep factor. Nice job.
Thanks for the read and positive comments, Dustin.
SPOILERS:
Was just the one orderly, the rest were patients following. I used the CLICK to try indicate the locks opening and PATIENT 1 and 2 are clearly written.
Power given through the souls of innocent babies (common satanic sacrifice), the pregnant psych being the last victim, the "ONE MORE". She had to die.
Agreed, but in this context, the 2 original babies, the ONE MORE (baby), the gutted woman, I thought it would be enough to piece it togeather. Wasn't just relying on the phone call. More like a puzzle, you need all the pieces to see the complete picture
Will see how others feel before I make it more direct, but I do commonly get picked up for leaving too much out so it is something I try keep in mind.
You think this one is vague, my next script has so much going on it confused me half the time. I think I tied up in the end though.