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Corridors of Darkness by Brandon Purcell - Horror - Collegiate ballerina, Elise, has just been shanghaied by a crazed, immortal violinist. He's been mutilated and cursed to live forever by a gypsy woman. Desperate, he searches out the gypsy's descendants - who just happens to be Elise. The only way to regain his life of fame is to kill Elise. Trapped in a building with the man, and running for her life, Elise must depend on her lifelong friend, Madelyn, to rescue her from the darkness. Together, they must find a way to survive the night. 85 pages - pdf, format
Your logline is WAY overwritten. Rewriting the fifth sentence may give you a decent logline.
Reflective of your logline, your passages are just as overwritten with too much detail for a script. The first scene basically sums up to a foggy street and a newspaper featuring Tobias.
"Scene 1" isn't necessary either. Should be written as, "EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT".
No CUT TO necessary and the FADE is misplaced.
Read some script and get a feel for the craft. As is it's more of a novel than a script and with a relatively short page count, This may be cut down to a really long short than a full length feature. Best of luck.
Hey, Brandon This appears to be a synopsis. You need a one line description of the story. Some sense of the main character, inciting event and sense of outcome.
You have huge chunks of descriptive narrative which isn’t the easiest on the eyes, you want to make it as easy on the reader as possible.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."