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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Corridors of Darkness Moderators: bert
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  Author    Corridors of Darkness  (currently 1405 views)
Don
Posted: July 30th, 2016, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Corridors of Darkness by Brandon Purcell - Horror - Collegiate ballerina, Elise, has just been shanghaied by a crazed, immortal violinist. He's been mutilated and cursed to live forever by a gypsy woman. Desperate, he searches out the gypsy's descendants - who just happens to be Elise. The only way to regain his life of fame is to kill Elise. Trapped in a building with the man, and running for her life, Elise must depend on her lifelong friend, Madelyn, to rescue her from the darkness. Together, they must find a way to survive the night. 85 pages - pdf, format


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RegularJohn
Posted: August 1st, 2016, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hey Brandon.

Your logline is WAY overwritten.  Rewriting the fifth sentence may give you a decent logline.

Reflective of your logline, your passages are just as overwritten with too much detail for a script.  The first scene basically sums up to a foggy street and a newspaper featuring Tobias.

"Scene 1" isn't necessary either.  Should be written as, "EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT".

No CUT TO necessary and the FADE is misplaced.

Read some script and get a feel for the craft.  As is it's more of a novel than a script and with a relatively short page count, This may be cut down to a really long short than a full length feature.  Best of luck.

-Johnny


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Busy Little Bee
Posted: February 14th, 2017, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Brandon
This appears to be a synopsis. You need a one line description of the story. Some sense of the main character, inciting event and sense of outcome.

You have huge chunks of descriptive narrative which isn’t the easiest on the eyes, you want to make it as easy on the reader as possible.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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