Bibi 01 by Anis Ndayisaba - Short, Drama - Bibi (11 years old) is a shy young girl fond of watching football, who wants to gain back her seat in the football-watching-room after losing it to Peter, until she learns how to be brave herself. 8 pages - pdf, format

I tried to give this a go.

Sorry but the English is just too hard to follow along so I started skipping. It is very over written.

Can lose the scene numbers.

Might be a great story in there, I'm just not sure.

Hi Anis,

Cute script, I really like it.

Bibi, the child prodigy, with her astute ability to crunch numbers (player statistics), uses that same cunning wit to expose a questionable fool who casts a shadow upon her desire to secure a position among the ranks of her peers.

This reads like something right out of the depths of Aesop's Fables... yet to be told, might I add! It is the quintessential story of the 'Underdog' finding a way to expose the ruse of their nemesis, told in just a few pages.

The story itself is solid, IMO, however, a little too verbose. If you write the tale in your native tongue (in order to collapse the narrative) then script it to English, you'll be able to break up the action a bit.

Perhaps include/inject a little (more) dialog (...and a little more sadism when Bibi fronts Peter for the fool he is, lol)... and you'll have a bread winner.

Charming tale, best of luck!

Anis,

Some notes.

I'm guessing English is not your first language, and it shows.  I suggest you read more English scripts and study the language.

That said, this one is cute, and it works.  I think you can push the envelope a little and have Bibi make predictions during the game, not that anyone will notice.  And her solution in the end is a good one.  

Best
Richard

I love soccer but your story, as presented, left me a little confused.Either you call it soccer (USA) or football (UK). Regarding the script, it reads more like a short novel...maybe, you should insert more dialogue, reduce the narrative and make the premise more clear. The story is cute, just it needs some work.
My best,
Fausto