El Portero by Ben Morales - Short, Drama, Crime, Thriller - An FBI agent trying to track down a serial killer in a foreign country talks to an inquisitive local about his hardships. 12 pages - pdf, format

This is extremely, extremely over written.

You say absolutely everything that happens, even turning right twice and going down a perpendicular street, its just way more info than we need and it adds nothing to the story.

All the pauses on the first few pages are not great. I think you can give your character something to do to make it read a little better. He scratches his head, dusts his shoulder, anything. Maybe make it a two way conversation with a voice over. Is there any reason we can’t hear the other end of the conversation. The way it is now just doesn’t work. Nine pauses written as pauses are too much.

You can get rid of the CONTINUED at the top and bottom of your pages, not needed and they slow everything down.

Do FBI special agents usually tell random strangers at a bar who they are and details about a case? Yes he said some of it was public knowledge, but still. When pushed on the suspect question he gives in almost immediately. The whole exchange seems very unrealistic.

Not much of a payoff at the end to warrant the 12 pages.

Sorry but this one doesn’t work for me.

Ben,

Some notes.

This one lacks surprise and suspense.  Everything is straightforward with no twists or turns or betrayals.  That's not good storytelling.  

You need to read some good scripts and see how writers handle phone calls, although I don't think you need the first one at all.  FBI agents on assignment are not talkative as far as I know.  But then, it would be far more entertaining if Marner was lying, as is Darwin.  Lies and more lies and misdirection lead to stories that keep the audience engaged.  So, watch some movies that you enjoy and count how many times characters lie or reverse or change.  Study the difference between surprise and suspense.  You could build suspense if Darwin happened to have the kind of knife Marner is looking for.  anyway, keep at it and keep asking how you might make the story turn on itself.

Best
Richard

You use a lot of adverbs. Would Marner tell a stranger he works for the FBI, and such? Marner seems to have an unusual sense of humour, for someone with such a serious job. Could happen, though, I guess. Marner seems very naive. If I was an FBI agent and someone kept asking me about the crimes, the way Darwin was, I would immediately expect him to be the culprit. I was suspecting he was, for a long time. The way you write isn't bad, but the story needs a lot more originality and thought.

Ben, from page 5, your script becomes really unreal...I say this with all my best intentions to help you. The main problem is that an FBI agent would NEVER disclose his/her identity, details about his/her investigation etc. This is the major fault of your script. Also, the format is not following the standard style...you should go online (a good site is Simply Scripts) and read as many scripts as possible especially drama thrillers. Keep the story but rework it from the beginning to the end. Right now, it doesn't make too much sense. Also, go light on the adverbs...keep your descriptions short and to the point. A script is not a novel.
All my best,
Fausto