No Clowning Around by 0 - Short, Drama - A clown takes a taxi to a birthday party and along the way learns a lesson. - pdf, format

Good premise, I enjoyed the clown/bank transition. I thought Richard's decision to leave the bag in the car was interesting, and stems from his first choice - well done. After the plot takes a turn at the bank though, the exchange between Richard and Amed didn't resonate with me, it seems like an odd direction after the stakes. Anyway, pretty good idea here.

Poor  Richard.  Bills can kick you in the butt.
I liked the story, but I would have liked to seen the point when he changed his mind.

Good job.

Congrats,
Cindy

I liked the tone of this, sort of reminded me of the cabbie in Deadpool... but... I thought the girl giving him the cash didnt feel right and leaving the cash after the effort - didnt work for me i'm afraid.

But well written and the transformation to a clown would look goog filmed.

A few grammar issues throughout. They are mistakes though because one time you do it right then the next you don't. Like a comma when you address someone directly.

It's over written. He puts one leg in then the other leg in then the shoulder. We don't need all of that and it makes this script longer than it actually is.

Sorry but this does not fit the premise of the challenge. Not one point at any time in this script is anyone trapped in a cab. So if you don't have that it really doesn't work.

Writer,

A pretty heartfelt little morality tale. I liked it, just feel some of your dialogue is on the nose. It could've been more subtle in places -- less is more. I like the idea of him robbing the bank, but not sure how I like him leaving Amed holding the bag and to try and sort this mess out.

I like Richard being a clown trying to make his daughter happy. Btw, do we know how how old his daughter is? I don't remember if you put it in. It would've helped to do that if you didn't. Anyway, I think this has potential if you're willing to rework it. Good job.

Steve

Mistaking shirt for shit gave me a good chuckle. A bit bland, not much character or anything beneath the surface. The reasons behind the money seem a little dull, I'm not saying the driver's wrong, but there's probably a better solution than saying "give the money back and just deal with your shitty life." Motivations could use a rethink. The structure's there, it just needs refining. Also, wouldn't they just ask the taxi driver who stole the money?

As I'm reading I'm thinking like Jeff, whoa, there's a lot of orphans. Sometimes it doesn't matter, but it kind of affects my read. Just saying.

Yeah, I liked that. Nice twist.'

I doubt it will be everyone cup of tea.

Consider

Really nothing gripping me as I read this one.  Hoping for some kind of crazy twist at the end to salvage it.

Bank "robbery" doesn't feel earned.  Guy is clearly at the end of his rope, but forgetting your wallet leading into a bank robbery seems a bit ridiculous.

Amed is pretty stupid to not realize what happened immediately when Richard gets back in the cab.  

So this all boils down to a guy who thinks he's owed something by the world, and a bank teller giving him 20k bc she too hates her job... then there's a cabby who tries to act as a psychiatrist on a 5 minute ride... who in turn returns the money to the bank?  

He could have at least dropped his good guy routine and speed off with the money for himself or something...  at least that would be kind of a "twist."  Or just kill the last line of dialogue and leave it ambiguous.

I'm not 100% on what your intention was for him leaving the money behind.  Was it a change of conscious when he saw his daughter, or was he distracted and just simply forgot it?  Either way, I still don't know about this one.  I assume it's the first one, but if that's the case, the action lines need to be written a little better in that part.

I feel like your spin on "trapped in a taxi" would be some kind of explanation about how this guy is "trapped in his life" but also in a taxi... and I don't know if I buy that fitting the criteria.

Gonna have to pass on this one.  Sorry.

I didn't like this one, at all.  You can't just return the cash.  He's a wanted felon.  He will go to prison, not jail.  Even if it wasn't armed robbery, it's still a federal offense.  

No one was trapped in a taxi.  

It was kinda funny in spots.  

Sorry, but, not being trapped in a taxi + choices that make no sense = failed experiment.

4/10

Dan

Writer, it's a nice little story. Good man gone bad, only to go good again, it's a lot to arc your way around in 9 pages but I think you got there. A good few grammatical issues in there, but I'll let that pass as I liked the overall work.

However, no one here is trapped in a cab, therefore didn't meet the intial challenge rules.

Overall good effort but let down by lack of trapped persons

Okay, so a little rough out the gate writing wise but I really thought you were on course for something good here.

You set up the conflict between the two characters with Richard, the unwilling clown, kind of an asshole but you feel something for him cause he’s doing it for his kid.  And Amed the put upon cabby who picks him up -- grounds for a good contrast.    

Then you went and ‘robbed’ the bank.  Even more oddly, we’re told the cashier just kind of gave him the 20k…  Perhaps if we knew Richard had previous for robbery -- maybe he’s combining robbing the bank with going straight to his daughter’s birthday, clown disguise/alibi?  

I don’t know, the logic just isn’t there for me.  There’s no consequences (I don’t think you can simply just take the money back).  I don’t know you even need something as drastic as a bank robbery to make this work.  

I couldn’t really see who was trapped - Amed wasn’t exactly unwilling.

There’s something in this, but it misses the mark for me.  Outside of the challenge this could be worth a rewrite -- just as long as you proofread your title page...

The bank part of the story is too out of the blue and doesn't fit. I thought that the father was going to be a grouch and then learn how to be a better person.

Pass.

Cute story, a simple little lesson in life.

Was he actually trapped? I don't think so, he got in and out of the taxi pretty easy lol
Maybe the taxi driver should have locked the doors until he learned his valuable lesson.

Good job on entering

Great story in the beginning. Loved the interchange of dialogue, the humour Ahmed saying he is not Muslim, the getting into the clown outfit,  your main character bitter about his ex - all great, but then him not having his wallet throws him into a spin and the story takes a wild (bank) turn.

You lost me at that point. Nobody trapped, and I really think he would have kept the money - daughter would have presumably jumped into Daddy's arms plenty of times. Real abrupt turnaround. I have a sneaking suspicion you tossed up lots of scenarios with this one, then deadline loomed.

Loved the beginning, so don't waste it, go back to the drawing board and I'll look forward to reading what you come up with.  Perhaps he turns up late and the ex's new man is also dressed in a clown suit. Either way it's a story devoid of the trapped angle but worth developing imh.