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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  The Shortest Distance - OWC
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  Author    The Shortest Distance - OWC  (currently 3154 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Shortest Distance by William Casteen - Short, Drama - A cabbie's route to a funeral proves more complicated than driving from Point A to Point B.  - pdf, format


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stevemiles
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure anyone was technically trapped in this.  Some nice dialogue but too little by way of a story to give the reader any real connection to the characters.  There’s an emotive idea in here, but it leans too much on one character (Tishel) to do the talking with Lonnie left passive.  I don’t even know how he feels about any of this -- perhaps a little conflict could help give this an edge.  

Like Lonnie I’m left with little by way of a payoff.  Maybe one to come back to without the restraints.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Shortest distance

Not much to this one and wonders around.

An elderly man reflecting on his dead wife and effectively not wanting to go to her funeral.

Like Steve mentions above, doesn't really tick the trapped box

Pass


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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Well written - a poignant story that elicited empathy for your protag - That being said - I'm not sure I get the "trapped" angle unless this is a subtle "emotionally trapped (self trapped) thing. I'll have to mull that over.


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LC
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Nice, almost there, heartfelt story which after the challenge I'd suggest you add a bit more to.
Sorry to say it doesn't really meet the 'trapped in a taxi' challenge for me specifically because of two things, the passenger is the one giving the orders and the driver complies, and there's no real drama as a result of their dynamic. I understand what you were going for I.e., trapped in the past, trapped in grief etc., but I read the challenge as a more literal one.

Could have a solid, produceable slice of life short here though with a bit more work.

P.S. I like the title, but based on the subject matter I'd call it The Longest Ride.


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SAC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I suspect there's a deeper meaning here. Checked back through some other comments and see that, if there is, they're not getting it either. I even read back through it but not coming up with anything. It was well written, but I'm not finding the point to this story. Sorry. Would love you to elaborate on this when the challenge is through. Thanks.

Steve


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nawazm11
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Not sure if I understood, reread the important parts a few times. Can say I'm on the same boat as Steven above, wish it was there for me but unfortunately, it's just a bit confusing. I'd wager most of it is because the dialogue between the story breaks apart too often. I suspect a heartfelt story, and there's definitely some inkling of that, but I gave it a few tries and it wasn't coming to me. Not my thing, although I suspect that may be the reason why it didn't mesh well.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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This is another one that doesn't really meet the criteria of being trapped and I assumed this was set in some alternate universe because the cop keeps showing up whenever anyone calls him... but then I got to the end, where I expected purgatory or similar to be the reveal but there wasn't... he just went back home.

There's a poignancy to the situation and the writing draws it out, but I'm not sure it tells a coherent tale.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Warren
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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No one is trapped at any point, so it doesn’t meet the criteria.

Not much/anything in the way of a story here. I’ve had more exciting taxi rides.

Definite pass for me.


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Cameron
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, not my cup of tea. I understand that you're trying to build the piece up around these characters, but they just didn't grab me at all and the story never went anywhere.

Also didn't meet the criteria regarding being trapped, so on that basis it couldn't be considered anyway.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 2:06am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this... but it didn't go anywhere or do anything. Why did he go home and not attend the actual service? I've tried and failed to figure it out from the dialogue.

Anyway, it's good, but needs more.

A pass.
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khamanna
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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I dont see anyone stuck.

I tripped several times here. First at the beginning - it was hard to understand why would T. Report suspicious activity and point at the driver when he seemingly knew that the service called a taxi for him.

Then a bit of conversation made me think - T say "she was a true angel" and what officers responds to that made me think for a moment that she was officer's wife.

All minor things though. The main complaint is -  I think it needs more of a story.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:26am Report to Moderator
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First page had me scratching my head but then I got into it. The trapped angle is subtle, to me there's some symbolic trapping - Tishel trying to avoid the truth and the funeral but trapped in the inevitability of it all and the driver trapped in his cab with one customer all day but he can't really say or do anything out of respect for the guy's grief - which may not be in the spirit of the challenge but I can see what you were trying to achieve.

It did hit me emotionally and was easy to read, I just expected more. The backstory for example, Mr. Tishel's reminiscences seemed to be heading to some reveal but they didn't go anywhere.

I think there's something here, it just needs more. Definitely one to revisit outside of the limitations of the OWC.  

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I liked this effort.  I'll accept that the man was metaphorically trapped by the fact he didn't want to go to the funeral.  And that the driver was trapped with  him.  i wish the little tales had revealed a bit more about the wife and why the old guy didn't want to be there.  It rambled a bit too much for me.

Best
Richard
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Hunter
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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On page 3 you forgot to say that this scene takes place in the taxi, the way it reads it takes place outside on a street downtown.

I guess the point of the story is that Lonnie is trapped because Tishel is never ready to go to the funeral, but the only moment at which he feels at all trapped is when he says he is going to call his wife. This is tricky, because making it longer would make him feel more trapped, but it could also potentially bore the audience.


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