SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 4:22pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Shadows Beyond Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Kelly1800 and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Shadows Beyond  (currently 3588 views)
Don
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 8:53am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Shadows Beyond by Gregory Mandarano & David Max Bluestein - Sci Fi, Fantasy - After a young orphan girl gets kidnapped from school and taken to the fantastic world of her dreams, she learns that she's a half-dragon princess and must choose between her mother and father before war tears her world apart. 130 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 7th, 2016, 12:25pm
Revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
GregoryM
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 9:00am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.02
Updated Logline: After a young orphan girl gets kidnapped from school and taken to the fantastic world of her dreams, she learns that she's a half-dragon princess and must choose between her mother and father before war tears her world apart.

I spent four months in Indonesia last year and took a grand total of 42 plane flights as I developed the treatment for this script. It was a grueling pace of travel, study, brainstorming, and writing as I researched the mythology and culture, and scouted numerous locations that would help inspire and develop this project.

I have only just recently started sending the script out. As it's had very few eyes on it and is hot off the presses, I thought I might share it here to gauge some public reaction to the script.

You'll find that it's written in the same style as William Goldman and Larry Ferguson. This is my second script using this format, and I find it really suits my writing style. Should you find the time to read it, I hope you enjoy it. I look forward to your comments.

SHADOWS BEYOND

Vivian had always dreamed of a land of futuristic wonders, far removed from her life spent as an orphan in a 1939 Jakarta boarding school. When a mysterious stranger with a magic raven takes her into the world of her paintings, she discovers her true heritage as a half-dragon princess who was hidden away on Earth to protect her before she could learn to use her powers.

She soon becomes lost in a foreign world, where people have spirit animal companions, and pirates terrorize the high seas. Word of her return quickly spreads, and she finds herself at the center of a prophecy, destined to choose between the people of her father... or her mother.

Caught between those who wish to kill her, and those seeking to use her for their own gain, she befriends a rogue pirate crew and their talking monkey. Together they set off to find her mother, so she might learn the secrets of her magic journal, and find the wisdom to make the right choice.

But plotting from the shadows, her father and brother manipulate events in their favor, guiding two opposing civilizations into a deadly war, all centered around Vivian, for whoever controls her, controls the fate of their world.

SHADOWS BEYOND has been designed to maximize its appeal to both boys and girls, young and old, by focusing on a fantasy theme with strong female characters, heroes and villains, lots of animals, and comedic elements alongside fast paced action and unique, iconic imagery that can create brand awareness.

Billed as STAR WARS meets PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN meets ALICE IN WONDERLAND, Shadows Beyond embraces a racially diverse cast involving multiple ethnicities, mythologies, and cultures, and conveys a positive message about unity between genders, races, and nationalities, traits essential for global release.

Revision History (1 edits)
GregoryM  -  August 22nd, 2016, 3:34am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 15
Raza
Posted: August 26th, 2016, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00
This is simply a great script. The author did a really good job setting up this grand universe while keeping the story relatively grounded. It's a well packaged, paced and action packed script filled with several twists, especially towards the end. I highly recommend this script and really do think it has the potential to be the next summer blockbuster.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 15
eldave1
Posted: August 26th, 2016, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Raza
This is simply a great script. The author did a really good job setting up this grand universe while keeping the story relatively grounded. It's a well packaged, paced and action packed script filled with several twists, especially towards the end. I highly recommend this script and really do think it has the potential to be the next summer blockbuster.


Raza - welcome to the site - quite a grand scrpt review for your very first post. Hope you get a chance to look at others.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 15
eldave1
Posted: August 26th, 2016, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Read the first ten.

A bit too chaotic for my tastes. The adventure starts far too fast IMO. Give us a chance to settle down in the girl's real world for a moment.

The dialogue was a little corny for me. This passage:


Quoted Text
VIVIAN
Why? Why must everyone be so cruel when
they’re the ones who have everything?

Maryanne nuzzles her neck and mews.

VIVIAN (CONT’D)
Oh, Maryanne... You’re the only one who
understands.

Vivian cuddles her close.

VIVIAN (CONT’D)
Sometimes... I just wish the world could
be more like the ones in my dreams...

She snuggles Maryanne under the blanket and falls asleep...


A little less saccharine and a little more normal would help I think.

Best of luck - the first ten were just not for me, Could very well be for others.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 15
SimonM
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 1:10am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Fantasy-SF isn't my cup of tea, but I thought I'd give this a quick look anyway.

The most important thing for any writer is to grab the attention of the reader - it is what keeps you reading a book, or script. For me, this fails in that objective. It may simply be that it isn't the genre I'm into, but I quickly lost interest and have no great desire to keep reading it beyond the opening few pages.

I don't usually comment on formatting but I think you will find that on your title page the screenplay credit comes first, followed by the story credit. This is certainly how it is arranged in FD.

The opening scene is certainly going to be visual - but you have far too much exposition in the VO. There will be the problem with either people looking at the visuals and not taking in what's being said or listening and not taking in the visuals.

It would be better for some of the things being talked about to be shown - flashbacks, montages, and so on, rather than read out.

There are other problems with it this opening -  "It twinkles with the lights of two distinct civilizations". Right, and how do lights indicate which is which or that there's more than one society? If you look at the Earth from space all you'd see would be lights, not countries, races or anything else to indicate different societies.

" when the Paradox sought
to unify the two in a new species, a
hybrid race, born between them and man...
out of fear and hatred... mankind erased
the Paradox from existence."

Hmm - I suspect that the viewers might be on the side of Mankind here, as that plan sounds decidedly dodgy. This sentence is also poorly constructed as it is difficult to read and understand - it makes it sound as if the Paradox wanted to create a hybrid "out of fear and hatred".

"But when man had no more enemies to
conquer, they turned upon themselves and
split into two factions: Demos and
Armada. Fear once again poisoned their
hearts and corrupted their souls"

Things are now getting very complicated - and we're still on page 1. You have had "Mankind", "The Paradox", "Demos" and "Armada" all on one world. Keeping up with this is going to be an issue I suspect.

The image of the planet breaking up is very striking - though how the viewer is supposed to know the asteroids become "Demos" and "Armada" is not explained. Also, given the planet has been destroyed, I am at a loss as how anyone survived the Armageddon, which is the suggestion of the VO.

"A chosen one... one prophesied to one day
return. To bring peace and unity to a
planet forever divided by mankind’s
fear... or perhaps she would bring war"

OK - not exactly a precise prophecy then. She'll bring peace - or maybe not. Also, to return she must have once been present on the planet - but this isn't mentioned. It is all rather confused. Well, it left me confused anyway.

Then we get to Earth and our heroine. "an eleven year old Asian girl with straight, neon red hair, and violet eyes, focuses only on drawing in her JOURNAL". Well, she stands out, doesn't she. Why? No one appears disconcerted at an Asian (which by the way I assume you mean Oriental, as in Britain Asian means something totally different to it's meaning in the US) with neon hair and violet eyes?

Why Indonesia? Why 1939? Nothing gives any feel that this is Indonesia or 1939 - it could be anywhere really. And the nasty nun and humiliated girl is all very cliched, I'm afraid. The writing does nothing to make any of this feel fresher.

These whole scenes, as Dave says, seem corny and sugary to the point of giving the the viewer diabetes. There's no reality in them to ground the almost surreal action that is to come.

There's no need to put exclamation points in the descriptions. It's annoying after a while and is usually seen as a sign of juvenile writing.

What is a "draconic slit"? I know what you mean, but this isn't the way to describe it.

This was as far as I got - once we got into giant ravens and Lord this and Master that, I couldn't continue.

I found the writing by this point to be wooden and, again, leaning towards the juvenile. I applaud you for knowing who William Goldman is but do suggest that comparing your style to one of the greats of screenwriting might be a bit presumptuous at the stage.

All just my opinion of course - and all views are subjective. Reza clearly had a very different opinion...

Good luck with it anyway.  


Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 15
eldave1
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 9:11am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted Text
Reza clearly had a very different opinion...


Genuine or not


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 15
Raza
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00
I can understand how some people could possibly find the first 10 pages overwhelming but I was intrigued enough to continue reading and everything just came together as the story progressed. I personally believe it's a well written and packaged script.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 15
eldave1
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Raza
I can understand how some people could possibly find the first 10 pages overwhelming but I was intrigued enough to continue reading and everything just came together as the story progressed. I personally believe it's a well written and packaged script.


The first ten - on matter of fact - the first scene - is critical to having anyone read on.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 15
GregoryM
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hey guys, thanks for taking a look.

I think the biggest take-away here is the impression that there isn't enough time spent in the real world, but I hit every story beat I need, and keep the intensity of the pacing up for the entire length of the script. So there wouldn't be much to gain to alter the Jakarta scenes or write in more.

When it comes to Indonesia

Everything about the script is seeping in the mythology, culture, and history of both Indonesia and India.

All the major locations have been scouted, and other than in a studio the bulk of the script would be filmed in Indonesia. Everything is very cheap there too.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 15
eldave1
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from GregoryM
Hey guys, thanks for taking a look.

I think the biggest take-away here is the impression that there isn't enough time spent in the real world, but I hit every story beat I need, and keep the intensity of the pacing up for the entire length of the script. So there wouldn't be much to gain to alter the Jakarta scenes or write in more.

When it comes to Indonesia

Everything about the script is seeping in the mythology, culture, and history of both Indonesia and India.

All the major locations have been scouted, and other than in a studio the bulk of the script would be filmed in Indonesia. Everything is very cheap there too.


Hey Gregory:

1. If you love your script - keep it like it is.

2. I didn't love it for the reasons mentioned and the explanations (above) doesn't change that. I still think it has issues and you will have problems keeping people engaged.

and

3. I'm nobody. So if you love your script, keep it like it is.

Good luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 15
GregoryM
Posted: August 27th, 2016, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.02
I absolutely love the material. If I wasn't completely satisfied with every story choice or word in the prose I wouldn't post it to the public.

That doesn't invalidate the value of getting the opinions and initial impressions of others. Whether it's from a producer, an experienced or amateur writer, or anyone else, people can shine a light on things in a way you might not have considered.

I could sit here and start a dialogue about each and every positive or negative people might highlight, but that's not really the purpose of the thread, and isn't necessary.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 15
GregoryM
Posted: August 28th, 2016, 3:28am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.02
I have removed the saccharine, and shifted the first Zoma conversation, and tweaked the narration.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B5thHA0l3Ff0eWc4cFBJanVtSms

VIVIAN CRIES INTO HER PILLOW
The walls of her bedroom are lined with fanciful paintings and drawings of a magical world inspired by her dreams.
There’s Aquaria and Traveler. Flying dragons, monkeys in tuxedos, reptile men, pirate ships, and more.
Vivian’s rustled from her sobbing by her TINY CAT MARYANNE.
VIVIAN
Not now Maryanne...
Maryanne nuzzles her neck and mews. Vivian stops crying.
With a sigh she rolls over, cuddles her cat close, and pulls out her Journal. Fastened to its cover is a colorless GEM.
She flips through the pages and stops on a picture of TARA:
a woman with black hair and a golden-white aura around her.
Vivian rubs her fingers along Tara’s face.
VIVIAN (CONT’D)
What do you think she was like?
She snuggles Maryanne under the blanket and falls asleep...

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
GregoryM  -  August 28th, 2016, 8:52am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 15
TonyDionisio
Posted: August 28th, 2016, 9:18am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20

Quoted from GregoryM
I have removed the saccharine, and shifted the first Zoma conversation, and tweaked the narration.

With a sigh she rolls over, cuddles her cat close, and pulls out her Journal. Fastened to its cover is a colorless GEM.

VIVIAN (CONT’D)
What do you think she was like?


Economy of words is what I struggle with too. If she cuddles her cat, no need to add the word "close" Cuddle handles this all by itself. Each word in your screenplay should matter (as well as not be redundant) to provide the leanest read possible.

Usually easily fixed with constant rewrites. I don't believe any spec script that I've written is ever truly finished. Unless someone buys it, then it wouldn't be mine anymore, now would it?

"I wonder what she was like?" is a tad more natural sounding.

As far as the script is concerned (and since I am a sci-fi/action lubba,) I agree with Dave, "Shadows Beyond" is a bit hard to get hooked on. Not to mention the use of sluglines is vague.

It reads more like a directorial project. Not that I see much wrong with the writer's scheme, or his passion -- on the contrary. I was also left with the feeling that the first ten "wallops" me quickly.

As per his own Billing, I'm not certain I want to see my Star Wars meeting Pirates -- Which, I had more fun as a kid on the Disney ride as opposed to the movies, (save for Depp's performance in part 1.)

Tony
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 15
Andy Best
Posted: August 28th, 2016, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Shanghai
Posts
29
Posts Per Day
0.01
Here is a first-20-pages review of the script:

I like it and the following formatting observations are more for people who come here to learn about screenwriting, as opposed to the author. As Greg says in the first post - he uses an alternative format. It's his choice to do that and it's consistent. But for people new to the industry, sending out spec scripts to agents from a non-established position, it's a big risk. I think Greg makes a good decision, because the format he chose fits the content, a fantastical adventure. But the minimalist, official format should always be first choice.

If you are not writing a whimsical and creative fantasy you absolutely do not want to do stuff like on pages 7 & 8 where layers of emphasis are used, combining bold/caps/underline/exclamation points all one one word. Again, Greg does it here as a conscious choice to fit the genre. But usually avoid this sort of thing.

I like the story. The set up is well-worn but swiftly recognizable in a good way. A normal human on earth in a tough life discovers suddenly that they are an important player in a wider universe. We get a prologue setting up the fantasy world, we get the protagonist 11 year old Vivian Valencia, and we get the raucous pirate crew.

Here's where I think it works: the first 20 pages contain a bunch of great strong images that make this feel like a classic fantasy. The ring of water around the travelling planet, riding a huge raven, the sketch book magic - Lord Zoma draws himself into a picture then he's there - that's really cool - "the futuristic snow base", the "opulent mansion" and of course, the talking monkey.

For me, if I was a producer looking for a fantasy, the scene of Zoma drawing himself into a picture then appearing there would pull me in for sure. And this makes for an interesting comment on the formatting - the cool scenes I mentioned are evoked in a single sentence and therefor would work just as well in a traditional format, in fact, they would stand out more that way and a hurried reader would be able to skim through to them.  

Before we get to page 20, we know the set-up and we've met the players. Being critical, in a traditional studio movie, you'd want to also identify a clear antagonist and also lay out the mission that will push the two groups together - within those first 20 pages too.

Personally, I love Greg's imagination and would like to see more fantasy movies like this in the theatres again.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 15
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006