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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Pegasus Project Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Pegasus Project  (currently 1226 views)
Don
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Pegasus Project by Daphne Olivier - Thriller - To save the family farm from foreclosure, Jack Randall takes a job on a research farm where scientists work behind a fortress-like fence to produce genetically modified plants and animals. Among their most prized projects is Pegasus 694, a bio-fuel with the potential to bring in millions — or destroy life on earth. 94 pages - pdf, format


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TimC
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Read through to page 40 of this as the premise intruiged me.

I have a few comments for consideration.

The pacing is off; i.e. the opening sequence (interview and conversation post interview) is overly long and reveals too much; i.e. background of Jack, the 694, suspicion over the deaths of Evans, etc. Then by page 40, we still don't know a whole lot more. What about opening with the deformed birth scene and then go to the interview, whilst removing some of the reveals that then play out between Mason, Brandt and Kruger?

With dialogue, every second character ends their dialogue with a question. I think it's overdone. Consider having more of a mix of proactive statements as opposed to reactive question answering - this will also help shorten dialogue as I think there is too much of it for the story being told. This applies for the first 25 pages or so.

To reiterate, I like the premise but it just needs some tightening before I give it another read.

Good luck!


My screenplays:

Hell To Pay (thriller)

Killer Crocs (working title / work in progress)
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FrankH
Posted: August 28th, 2016, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Logline needs a little nip-tuck, but intriguing. Daphne, are you around?

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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