Deadlywinks by Steve Cleary - Short, Comedy, Thriller - When the North American Tiddlywinks champion is kidnapped and held captive in an economy motel, he must play the rematch of his life -- to the death. 11 pages - pdf, format

I had to read up on tiddlywinks. Never heard of it.

Other that that, I don’t really have much for you.

Quick, easy read.

I enjoyed it, I laughed several times. The visual of these guys is great.

Well done.

** Spoilers **

These two sure take their tiddlywinks seriously!  For some reason I always get a laugh when people get slapped.  I don't know why.  

The description of them fighting on the ground was great.  I can totally see two guys who have no idea what they're doing trying to wrestle around on the ground, and it looks hilarious to me.  

There was one place on page 9 where you have action lines in the dialogue space, right after Paul says "Ouch.  Okay!  Okay!  Easy!"

Again, on page 9 when you describe what the security guard, maid and desk clerk see, I wonder if that is necessary?  You've already described it in your other action lines, so why not something short and sweet rather than describing everything all over again.  

Anyhow, my two cents.  I did get a chuckle out of it.  I liked the ending too.

Good job.

Nolan

Thanks you guys!

Steve,

Some notes.

First, this reads well.  The characters are just nutty enough, and the story is just wacky enough.  I think you might explore putting in a different mechanism for the motel staff to suspect Paul is trying to cheat them.  I don't see Paul leaving Norman alone in the room.  Also, I think the arrival of the security is a bit too timely.  But that's me.

Otherwise, this one is a funny piece and well done.

Best
Richard

Thanks Richard

I was only smiling but I broke into laughter at  "Hello Mr. Schmendrick" . . from the desk clerk.    Kept on laughing through the read.  In fact, I immediately read it again.  Cute and clever.
  
Loved your two main characters.  Kevin James and Paul Dano maybe.   Your usage of the tiddywink words and terms was special. I didn't know or care if they were  truthful  or not.

"Did you really  think a guy like me could get his hands on a real gun. hahaha"  and tying it all together at the end with  "That shot in Toronto WAS an illegal bristol . . . . "   Funny wonderful stuff.  Great.

Wow, JakeJon, thank you for the very kind review :^)

If anyone's interested, I uploaded a new screwball comedy here: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1480042743/

Include a link to one of your own scripts if you wish to leave a review. Thanks!