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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Cheque For Mom Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 17th, 2016, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cheque For Mom by Simon K. Parker - Short, Drama - Needing to find out why her mom is getting sent mysterious cheques every month, a young girl will get her answer but will also have her whole world turned upside down. 11 pages - pdf, format


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Warren
Posted: September 17th, 2016, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Yeah this one definatly wasn't for me.

It's so cringe worthy and soppy. It's a really long 10 pages for a story that doesn't contain a whole lot of substance.

The dialogue is OTN. You leave no room for subtext, the characters say absolutely everything.

Lots of really awkwardly written parts.

This one needs a rewrite.


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RichardR
Posted: September 18th, 2016, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one might have a life if you can inject some real conflict.  As it stands, it's far too direct, and it seems unreal to me.  the ending is too goody-goody for my taste.  The characters don't seem real.  

Best
Richard
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Fausto
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Too simplistic...is it a drama? If it is, it's not dramatic.Also, it's the first time I see the name of the script/writer at the beginning of each page. I'm "the king of OTN" dialogue but you beat me ...I agree with the other commentators, it needs a rewrite.
The story is good but you have to show more conflict.
All my best,
Fausto
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