Bed Bugs by Jeffrey Dean Langham - Short, Sci-Fi, Horror, Drama - A detective must solve a series of murders committed by unlikely suspects. 16 pages - pdf, format

Some notes.

this belongs to the hard boiled detective genre.  It's a mite overwritten for a screenplay.  Some of the details which would sound good in a book, aren't especially powerful in this format.  

The opening scene works for me.  It's a novel way to kill.  The next scene showcases Ben who is a bit of a loose cannon.  I don't think a physical attack on another police officer would be tolerated--at all.  Ben is a one-trick pony.  You might consider arming him with several methods for getting what he wants.  A bit of cajoling might go a long way.

Now, I don't understand exactly why Jimmy killed Em and not Ben since Jimmy had the power to program the bed to kill whomever he wanted.  I couldn't quite figure that one out.  I must be slow.

The ending is a bit cliched, but I'll buy it.  Enough carnage to keep the audience engaged.  I was hoping Ben would figure out a way to turn the tables on Jimmy and have some nanobots take on Jimmy.

Best
Richard

Richard,
Thanks for the quick read!  This is actually part of a feature I'm working on.  I was hoping to pop the opening scene and tie in close to where the feature ends.  Thinking someone ambitious would take this on.  The feature has more people dead and some of your questions answered.

I agree that there are parts that are over-written and will try to trim on next draft.

Do you feel that I should explain why/how Emily died?

Do you think it works as a short?

I like your suggestion for the ending.  Let me think about that.  Thanks again for the read.

To answer.

I think you owe the audience something about Em's death, and why she died instead of Ben.  In fact, if Ben owns one of he beds, why is he alive at all--given that Jimmy really doesn't like him.  It wouldn't take much, just a reference to Ben watching her bleed out despite his best efforts.

I'm not sure it works well as a short.  It seems to need a bigger story.  I'm guessing there was a Ben-Jimmy-Em triangle somewhere in the past, and that sort of gets lost in the short, along with Ben's cheating, along with the Government's involvement in using the bed to eliminate people it doesn't like.

If I were to turn this into a short, I'd really trim the opening scene.  Start with her dancing and him getting comfy before the bed goes berserk.  I'd skip the Eddie and Ben fracas because Eddie doesn't have a role.  Let Ben pull the electronics and get out.  Jump to the lab where I'd make it a woman, a frumpy woman that Ben flatters to get what he wants.  At this point, I think I'd introduce Em.  Frumpy says it's good to see Ben back after what happened to Em.  Then a short scene at Ben's home where he looks at her photo and studies that damn bed.  He might place his hand on the bed and watch the nanobots rev up for a kill.  then, frumpy comes back with the info about the programming.  Can she hack?  Then, it's to Jimmy who's not there, so Ben gets to use the office, and Jimmy's personal chair that employs the same technology as the mattress.  Maybe it's a prototype.  Jimmy comes in and Ben spills what he knows.  Too bad.  The guard disarms Ben who sits and asks Jimmy to tell the truth.  Jimmy sits, feels the nanobots and spills his guts.  Then the bots attack because Ben as switched boxes.  The guard is distracted, but it still takes all Ben can do to overcome the galoot.  Meanwhile Jimmy bleeds out...comeuppence.  This leaves out a lot of elements in your larger story.  No mention of the government, no contract, no real exploration of Ben's relationships inside his department.  I'd probably drop Boris and replace him with some other personal target of Jimmy's.  Maybe another man cheating on a woman Jimmy likes, maybe his secretary.  Keep the story smaller and more easily told.

I don't know if the above helps at all.  And I certainly don't want to step on any feet.  This is your story, not mine.  But i do like the idea.  Nanobots are coming and they'll offer a lot of opportunities for mayhem.

Best
Richard

Richard,
Great notes and suggestions!  I will respond to all of this as soon as I can type on a keyboard and not this stupid phone.

This is why I like this site!  I'll return the favor as well as I noticed you've been cranking out the shorts.

Quoted from RichardR I think you owe the audience something about Em's death, and why she died instead of Ben.  In fact, if Ben owns one of he beds, why is he alive at all--given that Jimmy really doesn't like him.  It wouldn't take much, just a reference to Ben watching her bleed out despite his best efforts.

At least you got the fact (or just assumed) that Ben was the target and not Em.  I guess I was saving what happened for the feature, but if I'm going to make this short work I agree that it needs to be more clear.  Even my wife, agrees with that!

Quoted from RichardR I'm not sure it works well as a short.  It seems to need a bigger story.  I'm guessing there was a Ben-Jimmy-Em triangle somewhere in the past, and that sort of gets lost in the short, along with Ben's cheating, along with the Government's involvement in using the bed to eliminate people it doesn't like.

That is a lot to chew on for a short.  Yeah, I may have to eliminate some things or make more things clear.  With some trimming in other parts, I might get away with more detail on those things - which are essentially the story.

Quoted from RichardR If I were to turn this into a short, I'd really trim the opening scene.  Start with her dancing and him getting comfy before the bed goes berserk.

I see what you mean.  It does slow it down at first, just get right to the action.

Quoted from RichardR I'd skip the Eddie and Ben fracas because Eddie doesn't have a role.  Let Ben pull the electronics and get out.  Jump to the lab where I'd make it a woman, a frumpy woman that Ben flatters to get what he wants.  At this point, I think I'd introduce Em.  Frumpy says it's good to see Ben back after what happened to Em.  Then a short scene at Ben's home where he looks at her photo and studies that damn bed.  He might place his hand on the bed and watch the nanobots rev up for a kill.  then, frumpy comes back with the info about the programming.

Interesting.  I do have Ben a little bit on the angry side, but it's because he hasn't been the same since Emily died.  I like some of this though and will look at maybe using some of this on the rewrite.

Quoted from RichardR Can she hack?  Then, it's to Jimmy who's not there, so Ben gets to use the office, and Jimmy's personal chair that employs the same technology as the mattress.  Maybe it's a prototype.  Jimmy comes in and Ben spills what he knows.  Too bad.  The guard disarms Ben who sits and asks Jimmy to tell the truth.  Jimmy sits, feels the nanobots and spills his guts.  Then the bots attack because Ben as switched boxes.  The guard is distracted, but it still takes all Ben can do to overcome the galoot.  Meanwhile Jimmy bleeds out...comeuppence.  This leaves out a lot of elements in your larger story.  No mention of the government, no contract, no real exploration of Ben's relationships inside his department.  I'd probably drop Boris and replace him with some other personal target of Jimmy's.  Maybe another man cheating on a woman Jimmy likes, maybe his secretary.  Keep the story smaller and more easily told.

I see what you mean by saving the meat of the large story, I can continue with the feature with those elements.  Good suggestions again, I've left it open for all kinds of ways to take it with the love triangle element.

Quoted from RichardR I don't know if the above helps at all.  And I certainly don't want to step on any feet.  This is your story, not mine.  But i do like the idea.  Nanobots are coming and they'll offer a lot of opportunities for mayhem.

Richard, I appreciate your input on this.  You've done nothing but help.  I'm hoping others will chime in and give me more ideas.  Yeah, nanobot scripts should be coming out like crazy.  I just thought of it based on the Sleep Number beds that adjust to you.  I told my wife, "What if the bed could be programmed to kill?"  That's where it started.

I'll be returning the read.

Jeff, I'm going to chime in ASAP, as I read the script and the posts.

Thanks Jeff.  Really appreciate any input.

So, as I said, I read this yesterday and was about to post, when work got too busy.  I've had some time to digest this, so here goes.

I like the concept, but it's definitely not suited to a short, and as is, doesn't work as presented - more on that later.

Writing-wise, it's pretty good in tone and delivery, but needs work in other areas, which I'll try and address now.

Your writing does show talent.  The way you structure your lines is good.  Your main issues are overwriting, lack of descriptive visuals, and awkward phrasings.  There are numerous mistakes in terms of punctuation, missing apostrophes, and the like, but that's easy to fix up with a few more read throughs.

You tend to add throwaway lines in between dialogue to break the dialogue up, but it's too much here and sticks out.

You also tend to add unnecessary descriptor phrases and asides that just don't work, and add unnecessary length.  Same thing with some scenes that aren't necessary here (to the short, but would be fine in a feature).

The concept is rather cool and deep, but just not suited to a short.

You'll need to work on exactly how these "bed bugs" work...and kill, because as presented, it doesn't make much sense to me - these nanobots are somehow contained inside a mattress and one has to assume that a mattress pad and sheet cover the mattress, so how these things can bite through all that, without completely destroying the top of the mattress, pad, and sheet is tough to visualize.

I also don't understand how these beds or bots get programmed...especially in the opening scene in a hotel room. This needs to be thought through and explained in a way that makes sense.

Same deal with the government angle - does it make sense?  I'm not sure.

Another thing to consider is this - we don't know where this takes place, but as written, it seems like everything is centered right in this city/town - the killings, the creator of the beds, the office/factory, the cop on the case.  Just seems too "small" or "convenient" to be believable, if you know what I'm saying.

There's just too much backstory for a short, also.  I like the relationships, but they need time and pages to establish.  I think Ben could be a good character, but here, he comes off too badass and cool for me to really believe he's a real person.  I'd suggest toning him down in the feature and make it clear what he's gone through and who he is.

Some examples - You start in a "hotel room", but give us literally no visuals of what kind of place this is, which is a mistake, IMO.  Apparently, it's supposed to be an exclusive place, but even when we're outside, there aren't any visuals to show us that.

If someone speaks in an accent, you need either a "NOTE" or a wrylie.

When you use the word "the", understand that it usually infers that your audience is aware of whatever noun follows it - "the shot glass" - anything that's important or will come into play, needs to be brought up, "shown" right away.

"and" is a word that can be eliminated in scripts pretty much 99% of the time.  Just don't use it and you'll be surprised how many times you'll save a line.

Remember to break up your passages by "shot", "thought", or "description".  It will cost you extra lines, but it will read and look much better, It will also teach you to write leaner and avoid unnecessary lines.

Examples - Page 1 - "She tilts her head, smiles, and bats her eyes.  Uri pirouettes at the king sized bed to face her.  He shakes a meaty finger at her." - This is 2 completely different shots.

Page 2 - "The bed moves like a waterbed under Uri.  He seems to lose
interest in Laura.  She feels it." - This is 3 separate shots.

Page 2 - "The whiskey floating eyes adjust to the beautiful woman in
the room.  Uri smiles." - This is awkwardly phrased and 3 shots again - his eyes first, the woman, second, then his face as he smiles.

Page 2 - "Laura dances to the nonexistent stripper music in her head.  
Uri likes.  The bed still buzzes with activity." - This is 3 shots again - Laura dancing, then Uri's face showing he likes it, then down to the bed buzzing.

Just "little" stuff like this makes a difference, but then again, most won't even notice or see this.

I'd go with the feature here and bag the short.  It's got potential, IMO, and deserves to be fleshed out and completed.  Good luck with it and hope this helps.

Jeff this is what I needed. I'll respond better later, again just have the phone at work.  Thanks a million!

I was interested while reading this, but just like others said, this needs to be something bigger.  When you do put the feature out, I'll certainly read it.  I think it's a very interesting concept and could make for a good story.

Nolan

Hey Nolan thanks for the read.  There's going to be a feature for sure.  Was hoping to pull a short out of it so it would get made then whip out the feature!

Hey Jeff,

So, this was all right. Your writing was good, overall. I enjoyed some of your description, though it was a little over-written at times. And you could definitely break up some of those action/description paragraphs. I, personally, use an action paragraph per shot. When the focus/shot changes, I start another paragraph. There were some typos in there but you'll catch them in the next draft.

I believe it was mentioned that this is actually part of a feature? I guess I can tell because this felt like we were rushed to a conclusion. Didn't feel like there was really a "middle" to this. And the ending fell a little flat, pretty much standard stuff. I expected something a little more clever, particularly involving the bed itself.

I like the hard-boiled, brooding detective characters in films, but Ben just felt unlikable, period. His wife dying still didn't make me like him or feel sorry for him. I can see why none of the other characters really liked him. He pretty much has two speeds. Asking questions, and then physically flipping out on people. I'd give at least one likable attribute.

And why did Jimmy kill Em? Maybe I missed something.

Obviously, this needs to be further fleshed out, which the feature version probably does. Would be interested in giving the full-length a look.

-- Michael

Quoted from Dreamscale Your main issues are overwriting, lack of descriptive visuals, and awkward phrasings.  There are numerous mistakes in terms of punctuation, missing apostrophes, and the like, but that's easy to fix up with a few more read throughs. You tend to add throwaway lines in between dialogue to break the dialogue up, but it's too much here and sticks out. You also tend to add unnecessary descriptor phrases and asides that just don't work, and add unnecessary length.  Same thing with some scenes that aren't necessary here (to the short, but would be fine in a feature).

I see what you mean.  The lines between dialogue can easily be fixed.  My thinking was to show some reactions to some of what they are saying.  Not necessary for every sentence.  I get that.  Will get on that right away.

Quoted from Dreamscale The concept is rather cool and deep, but just not suited to a short.

Yep.  That's because it's part of a feature.  Richard gave me some ideas to keep the bed bug thing but change the story for the short.  That way, I can go deep on the feature.  Not too deep, as in overwritten!!

Quoted from Dreamscale You'll need to work on exactly how these "bed bugs" work...and kill, because as presented, it doesn't make much sense to me - these nanobots are somehow contained inside a mattress and one has to assume that a mattress pad and sheet cover the mattress, so how these things can bite through all that, without completely destroying the top of the mattress, pad, and sheet is tough to visualize. I also don't understand how these beds or bots get programmed...especially in the opening scene in a hotel room. This needs to be thought through and explained in a way that makes sense. Same deal with the government angle - does it make sense?  I'm not sure.

I can see now that it wasn't going to work as is for a short.  All of the above is outlined (hopefully done right!) in the feature.  Now I've just got to finish!  I'll try not to rush this.  I want it to be good.  Your tips above will help on the feature as well.

Quoted from Dreamscale Another thing to consider is this - we don't know where this takes place, but as written, it seems like everything is centered right in this city/town - the killings, the creator of the beds, the office/factory, the cop on the case.  Just seems too "small" or "convenient" to be believable, if you know what I'm saying.

Yes, I know what you mean.  I guess I'm just going to either take Richard's idea of changing elements in this, or stick to the feature.  The feature is happening for sure.

Quoted from Dreamscale There's just too much backstory for a short, also.  I like the relationships, but they need time and pages to establish.  I think Ben could be a good character, but here, he comes off too badass and cool for me to really believe he's a real person.  I'd suggest toning him down in the feature and make it clear what he's gone through and who he is.

Again, in the short, I really didn't have (or take) the time to show Ben's arc.  Not sure if this is the place to put it, so I'll leave it for the feature.  Your input is noted and will keep this in mind while finishing it.

Quoted from Dreamscale Some examples - You start in a "hotel room", but give us literally no visuals of what kind of place this is, which is a mistake, IMO.  Apparently, it's supposed to be an exclusive place, but even when we're outside, there aren't any visuals to show us that.

Thanks.  Yeah, I missed that.

Quoted from Dreamscale If someone speaks in an accent, you need either a "NOTE" or a wrylie.

I hate them, but agree that I should have used a wrylie for Uri's accent.

Quoted from Dreamscale When you use the word "the", understand that it usually infers that your audience is aware of whatever noun follows it - "the shot glass" - anything that's important or will come into play, needs to be brought up, "shown" right away.

I think I know what you mean.  I'll look through and see what I missed here.  Looks like I have to change this whole thing anyway or scrap it, but some of this is actually part of the feature and I'll want it right.  If I can't find what you're talking about, I'll PM you.

Quoted from Dreamscale "and" is a word that can be eliminated in scripts pretty much 99% of the time.  Just don't use it and you'll be surprised how many times you'll save a line.

Funny you say that, I've usually taken one pass to look for and, -ly, -ing words to see if they're necessary.  I'll fix it if I decide to keep the short.

Quoted from Dreamscale Remember to break up your passages by "shot", "thought", or "description".  It will cost you extra lines, but it will read and look much better, It will also teach you to write leaner and avoid unnecessary lines.

I left out your examples but agree.  Will make sure the feature is done this way.

Quoted from Dreamscale I'd go with the feature here and bag the short.  It's got potential, IMO, and deserves to be fleshed out and completed.  Good luck with it and hope this helps.

Jeff, it does help.  I'm glad you took the time to point these things out.  Since most of this is part of the feature, all of this will help it be better, leaner, and let me get to the meat of this story.  This kind of help is much appreciated!!

Quoted from spesh2k So, this was all right. Your writing was good, overall. I enjoyed some of your description, though it was a little over-written at times. And you could definitely break up some of those action/description paragraphs. I, personally, use an action paragraph per shot. When the focus/shot changes, I start another paragraph. There were some typos in there but you'll catch them in the next draft.

Michael, thanks for taking a look!  Yeah, Jeff caught that above.  I agree and will be fixed pronto!

Quoted from spesh2k I believe it was mentioned that this is actually part of a feature? I guess I can tell because this felt like we were rushed to a conclusion. Didn't feel like there was really a "middle" to this. And the ending fell a little flat, pretty much standard stuff. I expected something a little more clever, particularly involving the bed itself.

Yeah, it's part of a feature.  In fact, I took some scenes from it and tried to shorten the finale down.  The feature ending is different than this, but this had elements of it.  I've been getting some good feedback to make the feature better.

Quoted from spesh2k I like the hard-boiled, brooding detective characters in films, but Ben just felt unlikable, period. His wife dying still didn't make me like him or feel sorry for him. I can see why none of the other characters really liked him. He pretty much has two speeds. Asking questions, and then physically flipping out on people. I'd give at least one likable attribute.

I have Ben broken by what happened to Emily, but in the feature he's not always a piece of crap.  He'll show signs of his old self.  I will make sure to show enough of how he was when Emily was alive and had lots of friends, etc.  I just really didn't have the time in the short to do this, though Richard gave me some ideas about how to.  That is, if I keep the short.

Quoted from spesh2k And why did Jimmy kill Em? Maybe I missed something. Obviously, this needs to be further fleshed out, which the feature version probably does. Would be interested in giving the full-length a look.

My wife even caught that I didn't explain what happened to her.  I felt like I was already pushing the "short" too long and would have required more.  As you and others pointed out, there's many missing pieces to the story as a short.  Not sure if it's salvageable as a short though.  Unless I go the way Richard suggested.  Not sure yet, but the feature is moving along.  I appreciate your looking at it and will get this finished and posted.  Thanks again.