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First Kiss - Filmed (currently 8227 views) |
Don |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 8:09am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
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| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - March 12th, 2017, 11:18pm | | |
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RichardR |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:03am |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Anthony,
Some notes.
This one races to the macabre. I like it, and I wish there was a bit more--perhaps turning the computer for her to watch with him.
The ending works for me, although you might consider setting up the scarf in some fashion. perhaps by a video.
in any case, good job.
Best Richard |
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Reply: 1 - 65 |
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Jeremiah Johnson |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:25am |
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Posts317 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Anthony, Ok, guess I wasn't ready for that! Writing is good and not bad for a one pager. Easy to film. Wonder if this was for an assignment? Going to film it yourself? If so, easy to do except for getting some kid to off his sis!😀
Your logline has a mistake. Think you meant "new" not "news"
Good luck with this. Should get made. |
| My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
TELEVISION Father, Forgive Me Sheriff of Nowhere |
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Reply: 2 - 65 |
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Warren |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 4:20pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Just my sort of thing. I liked it, made me think of Dead Girl.
I see no reason why this won't get made. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 5:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks Don for getting this up so quickly!
This was written for a 1 page challenge sort of thing, ultimately didn't enter it as I thought it was a bit too dark for the brief. So thought I'd post and get some opinions from my fellow SS writers...
Richard - glad you liked, like the idea of him turning the computer for her to watch, will include that in a revision.
Jeremiah - Damn loglines! (glad you liked!)
Warren - Tx, loved Dead Girl, saw it at a film fest knowing nothing about it and was like WTF!
Anthony
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Nolan |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 7:57pm |
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Posts175 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
This was really horrible.... in a good way!!!
Nolan |
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Reply: 5 - 65 |
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LC |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 8:37pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7582 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
No offense Anthony, but I think it's really horrible in an ewww way.
Which is mission accomplished, I suppose. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:30pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
For a one-pager, this was great. So many crazy reveals in so little time. Nice job.
Was the original contest for a family friendly teen drama? Cuz if so you should've submitted this just for the chance at giving someone a stroke. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Warren |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:52pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Quoted Text Was the original contest for a family friendly teen drama? |
Hahaha |
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BSaunders |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 2:27am |
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LocationGold Coast Posts272 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
C'mon sis!
The fuuuuuuuck!?! |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 4:00pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Nolan - many thanks Libby - exactly, thanks Mark - thanks, and no, but that would have been funny! Brandon - thanks, I think |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 5:37pm |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Anthony, Perfectly set up, followed by TWO nasty punches, then out. That's how you knock 'em dead in one round. In this case, one page. Kudos. Henry
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JakeJon |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 7:20pm |
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LocationNewJersey Posts187 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Wow! I'm getting old. Readably creepy.
When should the audience come to the realization that poor Cassie is dead? The first time we see her staring back dispassionately or at the end with the scarf and blue lips.
I hate to admit that I'd like more info. on this kid.
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BSaunders |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 7:28pm |
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LocationGold Coast Posts272 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Brandon - thanks, I think |
You thought right. I was shocked, but I loved it! |
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stevemiles |
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 1:20pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Anthony,
First time round I thought there was more of a connection between the videos and the asphyxiation which threw me for a moment - like perhaps a ‘game’ had gone wrong and he just didn’t know any better. Well, like AlsoBen’s short it’s dark - one for shock value I suppose and probably effective. The use of google lends it an interesting angle, maybe underused even..? This is what happens round here when the nights start to draw in - guess we’ll have to wait till Xmas for some happy endings...
All the best,
Steve |
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