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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Bend Moderators: bert
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  Author    Bend  (currently 1177 views)
Don
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bend by Tony Dionisio - A wannabe reporter must convince an indestructible gymnast to abandon a ruthless vendetta and fulfill her destiny as a righteous super-heroine. 100pgs. - Action, Adventure, Super-Heroine - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Thanks for the quick post, Don.
Any help with this would be greatly appreciated

Tony
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eldave1
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Tony:

Kind of jammed - but I did give the first 12 pages a read.

Not my genre at all - but I kind of like what I've read so far. Kind of has a female-driven Deadpool vibe to it.  

Overall first thoughts:

Your descriptive and action writing is outstanding. Crisp - clean, fast paced and very visual. It really is solid.

Bird Girl's dialogue is spot on. You make her an interesting and compelling character. I got a real feel for her right off the bat.

Terry's dialogue is not as strong. I found him over the top stereotypical - bland. I have no problem with the nerd wanna be reporter angle - it's just a little too over the top - too on the nose in the dialogue. This dude is going to be with us the whole script and I think - as written - he is going to become tedious very fast. I dunno -  I'd like to see him be a little brighter. Shy and unworldly is fine. He just comes off as a little too unaware. I think I would like him more if he were a little bit more like the Jonah Hill character in Money Ball. May not be fair comments having only read 12 pages - but thought I should at least let you know what my initial reaction was.

Would have liked to seen a little follow-up on the dude with his finger cut off. In the apartment, Terry should be asking about him. e.g., What was the deal with the guy..  

I like bold slugs - not a fan of bold character names - just my taste.

This is another nit for me. There are two many instances of incomplete sentences that are a bit unnatural. e.g.,


Quoted Text
TERRY
Thank you. You saved...


two or three in the first four pages. Unless the character is lost in thought - I would just complete the sentence.

This:


Quoted Text
TERRY
Sorry. Everybody’s talking about
you -- the hero who’s cleaning up
the streets of Brooklyn.


Was a little too OTN for me. I would break it up, e.g.,

TERRY
Sorry. Everybody’s talking about
you.

BIRD GIRL
(sarcastic - looking at picture)
Are they talking about my ass?

TERRY
No. Of course not. You're making Brooklyn safe.
(beat)
You're a hero. Don't must know that.

Okay - the above were just nit issues. Overall - I think you really may have something here and, as said earlier, the Girl's dialogue and the action sequences are really well written. Loved them.

Again - not sure how this ends, but title wise I like "Raven" more than "Bend".

Nice work




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Thanks Dave,

Appreciate the initial feedback as you are one of the opinions I appreciate on the site and pretty talented and professional to boot. I hope you can find the time to  finish the script sometime.

I'll look to see what I can do with Terry's dialog.

Don't like bold character intros? Why not? It's an excellent way to tune the reader onto which names are mains and which are sides.

I use ellipses to show incomplete dialog from breaks or interruptions. It's a style choice and hopefully used consistently throughout the work.

I encourage any other feedback, appreciate and welcome it all.

Thanks,

Tony
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Slade
Posted: September 28th, 2016, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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just finished reading it. Well written work, I like the structure of the story. As eldave1 said, maybe Terry's character needs something more, a twist somewhere, an unexpected act, something to make him more edgy.
My only problem was that I got a bit confused around page 28 to 34 with the series of  "near future, flashback, back to present" scenes. Other than that it was a good read.
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eldave1
Posted: September 28th, 2016, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I hope you can find the time to  finish the script sometime.


Will try to get to more of it next month.


Quoted Text
Don't like bold character intros? Why not? It's an excellent way to tune the reader onto which names are mains and which are sides.


First, I am a fan of BOLD slugs - many peeps hate that - but as you also do with characters - I like it because I think it tunes the readers in.

The Character bold seemed over the top for me because it often was the first line after the SLUG and seemed like just a continuation of that bolding. But if you like it - absolutely keep doing it - who knows in three years it might be the industry standard and no one with a lick of sense is going to pass on the script because of bold characters. Maybe I will be doing that next week


Quoted Text
[quote]I use ellipses to show incomplete dialog from breaks or interruptions. It's a style choice and hopefully used consistently throughout the work.

[/quote]

Not an issue with the formatting with me so much as the frequency of use.  My feelings mimic the ones here:

http://www.doctormyscript.com/2010/10/screenwritingmistake2ellipses.html

As a note - I think ellipses are used for "trail off" (i.e., lost in thought, etc).

DAVID
I don't know. Perhaps he....

Where dashes are used for cut-off. e.g.,

DAVID
I don't know. Perhaps he --

TONY
Is wrong.

Again - not a huge issue and may just be my preference.

Will try to get back to this later - it is a fantastic premise


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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