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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Far Side of Dulcimer Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Far Side of Dulcimer  (currently 3505 views)
Don
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Far Side Of Dulcimer by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - A man must come to terms with his sense of place after a night out jogging leads to a run-in with the police. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 12:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Going with another 'out of the headlines' premise. Blacks fearing white cops.

This one however did nothing for me.

The writing is great but the story is lacking.

Everything is based on perceived stereotypes, I feel there is no real tension as there is no real need for there to be.

EDIT:

That's not to say I can't see this being made. It's definitely a hot topic that isn't going away anytime soon.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Warren  -  September 30th, 2016, 5:10am
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LC
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 3:52am Report to Moderator
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Not entirely sure what to make of this one either, Steve.

You built the suspense beautifully and I loved that the cops ended up not being a threat. Then I thought someone was going to overreact with the trembling hands at the checkout but then -

SPOILERS

Lamar ends up in some kind of alternate Sliding Doors scenario right at the end. Interesting, intriguing, but left me a bit baffled.


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SAC
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 6:10am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Thanks for the reads Warren and Libby. This is by no means my "protest" script. I have no desire to get involved in any discussion like that. However, after hearing a very similar story, I felt compelled to write about it as I felt the emotions incolved were very real. And it doesn't pretend to speak for all -- just the one man involved.

Libby, the end doesn't go through some kind of alternate reality (if that's what you were implying) but rather a simple passage of time that leads him to the basement where he picks up the guitar, and it's implied that he's about to play the blues (I swapped out the Hendrix poster for B.B. King). Better a guitar than something else.

Steve






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LC
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
Libby, the end doesn't go through some kind of alternate reality (if that's what you were implying) but rather a simple passage of time that leads him to the basement where he picks up the guitar, and it's implied that he's about to play the blues (I swapped out the Hendrix poster for B.B. King). Better a guitar than something else.

Ah, okay, yep that is what I thought. I just looked at it again and I think your 'directorial flourish' here:

'The scene changes, she slowly vanishes,...'

sent me way off base.

Anyway, see how others respond to that scene transition. Btw, I agree the Blues and BB King is a better choice.


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AlsoBen
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

I liked this. Doesn't hit you over the head with a message, but the subtext is clear.

Some tiny things:

Page 1, Lamar says "I won't be long" and Sheila replies "Okay don't be long". Well, he just said that :p

I found the mechanics of the  scene change at the end (Sheila disappearing, fading in to Lamar by himself) a little on the nose. Hard to describe - a little cheesy, at least the way I percieved it from your description. A little issue, and others might disagree. So take this with a grain of salt.

The ending is awesome. I don't have much to say about it.

I would love to see this realised on film. If I had the skills, resources or money, I would totes produce this.


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SAC
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Ben,

Thanks for checking this out and the kind words!

The opening dialogue was meant to be amusing, as Sheila just didn't hear what Lamara said, prompting her repeating. And the scene transition -- I think you're right, but I've never done something like that before so I wasn't sure how to. But that's how I envisioned that scene playing out. Thanks again.

Steve


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LC
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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Page 1, Lamar says "I won't be long" and Sheila replies "Okay don't be long". Well, he just said that :p

Steve, don't touch this line.  I loved it. It's great husband and wife dialogue, and funny.

Doesn't have to be a matter of not hearing either. Think about how often you've done that (maybe with the kids) got your bit in, no matter what's just been said.

I meant to remark on it. Ben didn't get it straight away, but right actress, right delivery, it'll work a treat.  


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 1st, 2016, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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Well written per usual but I didn't get much out of this one. You wring out all the tension there could be from a tiny misunderstanding, but that's the thing, it's a tiny misunderstanding... there's not much to go on.

I didn't really understand why it affected Lamar so much. I don't have nearly enough confidence in the human race to expect any black man to have gone through forty-four years of life without one actual racist encounter.

So this little 7-11 incident is probably a joke by comparison. Guaranteed something has happened to him worse than this -- not a little fleeting mistaken identity thing -- just real, ugly, bold racism right in his face.

So why would this incident be so significant?


That rug really tied the room together.
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SAC
Posted: October 2nd, 2016, 7:13am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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James,

Thanks for reading. Yes it is a misunderstanding on Lamar's part, but if you take into consideration all the tension going on here between blacks and white cops, then the fear Lamar is feeling at this moment is real, whether it's a misunderstanding or not. Is it perceived? Maybe, but that's not what African Americans seem to think. My rule of thumb when it comes to understanding what another is thinking, or when trying to get someone else to understand what you're feeling, is try for a moment to put the shoe on the other foot and see how that makes you feel.  

I never mentioned or presupposed that Lamar had been a victim to racism in the past. To me that seems inconsequential as I'm only writing about this day and time.

And I'll say again, as a writer, I'm more interested in the personal emotional response as opposed to the cause.

Steve


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Nolan
Posted: October 2nd, 2016, 7:38am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,

I like how you did this.  I think it would have been a little stronger story wise if the girl working at the desk of 7-11 maybe called the police on him based on her nervousness due to him shaking.  That way the police can speak to him again, but on a different tone this time.  But in the end, it comes out that he did nothing wrong.  I feel like that would make the ending a little better with him contemplating everything.

Good luck with it!

Nolan

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Nolan  -  October 2nd, 2016, 12:39pm
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stevemiles
Posted: October 2nd, 2016, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Nicely written - the tension really built during the Dulcimer St. scene.

The moment I tripped up was when Sheila vanished.  At first it suggested (to me) she was dead or at least not around anymore - talking to a ‘ghost’.  On the other hand there’s nothing else to suggest that’s the case.  So I figured Lamar’s imagining having that conversation with her as he can’t bring himself to tell her how he feels?  He’s ashamed of being afraid yet unable to tell his family -- so he finds solace in his music?

Having looked through the replies I see you intended this as more of a transition?  So the conversation took place, and we're cutting to later.  I like the idea, but I'm not sure it reads as perhaps you intended.

That aside, I like the subtlety of the emotions at play - it’s more about fear and how one man finds a way to cope.  That said the whole basement/blues angle felt a little out of leftfield.  I wonder if there’s a way to strengthen the music aspect?  Perhaps work it in a little earlier so we kind of come around full circle at the end.

Best of luck with it,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Herb335
Posted: October 3rd, 2016, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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Short thoughts: Overall, I think the script is well written, and based in a very interesting idea.

Longer thoughts:

1. Minor point with regard to this exchange:

SHEILA (O.S.)
How long you gonna be?

LAMAR
Just wanna get in a couple miles.

SHEILA (O.S.)
What?

LAMAR
I said, I won't be long!

SHEILA (O.S.)
Okay, but don't be long!

I got the feeling you intended this moment to be humorous. Maybe add Lamar rolling his eyes, or indignantly muttering to himself "I just said that…" to make the point clearer.

2. The scene with the police felt tense and authentic; both Lamar and the police trading nervous, distrustful stares. I also liked how you eventually turned that tension on its head- turning what could have been a standard police harassment idea into something even more complex.

I do wish that you'd specified which officer was which, though. You introduced at least three and, when time finally came for their interaction with Lamar, I could't figure out which cop Lamar was supposed to be talking to.

3. This leads to my biggest complaint. I think the idea of Lamar's fear would have been more effective if you'd developed it further. Specifically; have Lamar acknowledge the irrationality of his fear.

Regardless of the issues between black people and white cops (though, this does seem to be his first personal run in with police, as Lamar later tells his wife: "Tonight, for the first time in my life, I felt truly..."), this particular exchange between he and the officer was far too innocuous for me to buy it having such a profound effect on Lamar- to the point he tells his wife about it, and even contemplates his continued existence. That all seems like an overreaction to what wound up being a simple question about a phone, and a 5 second conversation. Not to say a person like this couldn't exist, however, here it feels ungenuine to me.

But if you have him acknowledge and question his fear; acknowledge that his fear is irrational, but still there, you would lend the character more complexity and credibility. Maybe you could expand the conversation with his wife a bit. Eventually he could say something to the effect of:

Lamar:
All he cared about was the phone, yet my mind won't stop racing. I don't know why, I… What if I'd crossed the street the wrong way? What if I hadn't taken my headphones out quick enough?

Lamar looks to his son, sound asleep.

Lamar:
And then I come home and I see him, and… what if it hadn't been me running that street, at night, with earbuds and a hoodie on? What if he...

This, to me, seems like the story of a man having to live in a society he doesn't feel respects his right to live peacefully. I'd play with that idea more.

4. Another relatively minor note:

"Sheila goes to put her hand on Lamar's shoulder when...
The scene changes, she slowly vanishes, leaving Lamar alone on
the couch, clasping his hands together."

It was kind of weird when Sheila just fades away at the end. You've said it wasn't a vision or anything, just a simple transition, so maybe add a clock or something for added clarity. Example:

Dim light. An otherwise silent atmosphere punctured by the ticks of a clock, the hour hand inching ever closer to ten.

Sheila and Lamar seated on the couch, her hand to his shoulder, his hands clasped together.

The clock hands jolt alive, revolving faster than before, Sheila fading away in unison with the hands' steady climb towards-

Stop. The clock rests at one, now moving as normal. Lamar now sits alone.

Overall, still very interesting,
Happy writing!


"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life." - Jean-Luc Picard
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Kirsten
Posted: October 3rd, 2016, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

I liked this, I did get confused with the v.o, but that's just me.  
I got the husband and wife dialogue, funny...
I liked the suspense with the cops. The shaking hand.  The fact that he feels that no matter what he does he could still get shot... it's powerful, you bought me into the mind of the prot very easily.

Nice work!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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JEStaats
Posted: October 3rd, 2016, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

I was really into the story until the V.O. and got totally derailed. I reread it a couple times in my head before moving on and it just lost the momentum for me.

Thanks for posting!
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