Modified by Brandon Stephens - Short - A disabled woman reluctantly follows her friend to an amusement boardwalk and finds an unexpected attraction.  15 pages

Will be submitted to  Stage 32 Short Film Script Contest.  Writer interested in any and all feedback. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Brandon.

**Spoilers**

I don't see much in this story wise.  It's a story of her meeting someone, but that's about it.  The only conflict I can see is her getting angry at Colin for trying to get her on the rides.  I think if you can focus more on that, how she's always getting left behind because of being in a wheelchair, and he finds a way to get her on the rides, then it's a little more interesting.  You seem to hint at her dilemma when she goes through the crowd, trying to keep up with Sarah, but even then i'm not feeling like this is much of a conflict.  Make it a challenge for her, make it a challenge for Colin.  If there's nothing to overcome, the story just seems bland, and not very interesting.  

That's just my opinion however.  See what kind of feedback you get from other people.

Good luck.

Nolan

Hey, Brandon - I'm kind of with Nolan on this one. Nice little story about a disabled girl hooking up. But there isn't just a lot of there - there.  I'm thinking that maybe she's hesitant to do the park because of all the people around. Colin has a friend that's willing to open it up off hours - at midnight or something - and he picks her up and takes her then. Just to add another challenge.

Best of luck

So writing wise its pretty good, no real issues there. I would write out numbers and turn off the CONT'S in dialogue to make for a smoother read, but up to you.

Story wise I tend to agree with Nolan. There isn’t a whole lot holding this together. I read it to the end because the writing was good, if that wasn’t the case I would have stopped sooner as the story wasn’t pulling me along.

I have never entered a script writing contest and I have no idea what sort of quality is required so I can’t comment on whether this would be a competitive short.

Good luck.

Some notes.

First, it's not poorly written, but there are a couple of mistakes.  

The opening scene runs two pages, and I think you should make it much shorter.  Also, give some idea of how old these girls are.  Teens?  Twenties?  You might get a bigger response if you don't emphasize the handicapped side.  Sarah jumps out; Jamie sits and stares.  The door pops open, and there is the wheelchair.  Damn.  Also, Jamie is no neophyte with the wheelchair--gloves and bag she knows how to attach, so why doesn't she know how to handle crowds?  Same thing with the crowd.  They've never encountered someone in a wheelchair before?

Dialogue.  The usual rule is that the more familiar characters are, the fewer words they use.  Hence,
They're near the beach. Let's go.  Could be....'the beach, let's go."
You just follow me, I'll get em outta the way.  Could be.  "Follow me."
You show Sarah clearing a path, no need to tell Jamie.

Bumping into Colin, literally, seems contrived.  Colin's line about his shin turning blue begs for a better line.  Something like, don't worry, the blue will match my eyes.  

Sarah doesn't walk toward them with a MAN.  it's KYLE, no need to hide it.

The next page of dialogue doesn't work for me.  Too straightforward and too much.  Cut.

A little writing tip....'leans up' doesn't add anything to 'leans'.  Same with 'looks out' and 'looks'.  

'holds her big cup out'  Try not to separate your verb.  She 'holds out her big cup'

When you address someone directly, you have to add a comma.  "Take me to the rides, hero."  

The ending is predictable, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.  I think if you want this to work the way you envision, you might consider making Jamie's handicap a recent thing.  Thus, she's scared of crowds, scared of rides, not all that good with her wheelchair, etc.  Because if she's been in that thing for years, she's probably already encountered many of the problems you toss at her.  Also, I would cut some of this.  Since Kyle doesn't have a big role, don't give him a lot of lines.  Your focus is on Colin and Jamie.  Use them.

Good luck with your contest.

Best
Richard

Writer here. Thanks for the replies so far. Y'all have given some great info and pointers. I do think it could use more "conflict" but how to add...

Quoted Text The opening scene runs two pages, and I think you should make it much shorter.  Also, give some idea of how old these girls are.  Teens?  Twenties?  You might get a bigger response if you don't emphasize the handicapped side.  Sarah jumps out; Jamie sits and stares.  The door pops open, and there is the wheelchair.  Damn.  Also, Jamie is no neophyte with the wheelchair--gloves and bag she knows how to attach, so why doesn't she know how to handle crowds?  Same thing with the crowd.  They've never encountered someone in a wheelchair before?

Thanks for the details. I assume you meant don't emphasize the handicapped "sign"? The general idea is that the hanicapped-ness is new, and she isn't used to crowds yet. Honestly, the bit about the crowd not paying attention is a real thing. I read a few blog posts from disabled people and this is the number one issue - people don't notice or get out of the way. The wheelchair part they get used to quickly but it's the people around them that don't.

Also, I am imagining camera effects that make all of the crowds, handicapped sign, etc seem LARGER than normal. Imagine the POV of a newly handicapped person and things like that are warped. Getting that across in the script without saying, We see, or POV, blah blah, was tough.

Perhaps I should put into the dialogue or story that it is new to her, somehow...

Quoted Text Bumping into Colin, literally, seems contrived.  Colin's line about his shin turning blue begs for a better line.  Something like, don't worry, the blue will match my eyes.

HA! It is totally contrived, it is my "meet cute". But, the question is, could it happen that way...?

Thanks a ton yall!

Brandon,

A sweet idea - but I can’t say it made much of an impact.  It’s just, well, ‘nice’ - and at risk of sounding harsh, fairly predictable.  It’s not a crime and you know the story you want to tell but in the end there’s not a great deal to take away from it.  It all feels a bit passive.  What did Jamie want?  Did anyone want anything?  Sarah wanted to go to the beach with Jamie, but promptly dumps her to be with Kyle.  Some friend...

For fifteen pages I didn’t feel like I knew much about Jamie (or Colin for that matter).  I didn’t know how long Jamie had been paralysed - from birth?  A young age? Or more recently?  A little hint could go along way.  Is she readjusting to life after losing the ability to walk?  Perhaps this is where she and Sarah used to come as kids and now she’s having to see it all for the first time from her wheelchair...

The looming sign and crowd POV scene - that’s where you pulled me in, seeing this from Jamie’s POV was a nice touch.  The claustrophobia and indifference of the crowd.  But from there it sort of drifted along with no real purpose.  A conflict with Colin, but nothing to really hook me back in.

Writing wise a few nit-picks/suggestions:

Give us some ages for your characters - they could be sisters, friends, mum and daughter etc.  There’s nothing to suggest the dynamic between them.  I guess they were just friends.

Better to give us CAPS for those characters that stand out i.e. OLD DUDE,

P.9 - ‘Colin and Jamie both have the comically large daiquiris and are strolling along the boardwalk.’ -- I’m guessing only Colin is strolling...

Daiquiris and vaginas aside to me this wouldn’t be out of place on a kids/tweeners show - though I’m not entirely sure what the message would be.

For me, it didn’t really go anywhere, maybe it doesn’t have to; or maybe there could be more to these characters, a deeper insight into their lives or something a little out of the ordinary to set this apart.

Hope this helps, good luck with it.

Steve

Quoted from brandonstephensfilms Writer here. Thanks for the replies so far. Y'all have given some great info and pointers. I do think it could use more "conflict" but how to add...

Just a wild thought.

Maybe rather than Sarah being Jamie's friend - she is Jamie's sister. AND

Rather than Sarah's motives being altruistic - they are more sinister - she's tired of Jamie burdening her social life so the set up with Colin was purposeful - date my sister and I'll buy you a hundred bucks or something like that.

And - then he ends up falling for her - returns the cash - OR

Unexpectedly, SARAH'S fella - ends up more interested in Jamie then Sarah.

Just random  thoughts.