La Loteria by David Lambertson - Drama - A missing grand prize lottery ticket is the key to solving a series of murders in a gang infested Los Angeles neighborhood. 113 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Don - can you fix the page count on this - it's 120 - and thanks for getting it up so quick

Changed. I read a few pages. Intriguing!

Might read more. I have two scripts to give feedback on, but if we lose power for a long time due to Matthew, reading is what I will be doing.  

Thanks much and all the best with the power

Dave, I only have time for your opening at the moment cause I should be getting back to my own thing (first feature) but your logline piqued my initerest.

... Poor Esperanza. Esperanza, don't give him your... And she did. Oh, dear.
And we're off, good start, right into it.

I'd personally peg back some of your descriptive lines. Pale Blue Home has a header stuck out at me as being a bit unnecessary, I'd just put that in description under EXT. HOUSE.

Likewise:
The small living room, dining area and kitchen are
essentially one room merely separated by a difference in flooring. Worn carpet meets cheap linoleum. Btw, just noticed, should be: is essentially.

Great last line, btw.

I'd write something like: Poky and cramped, essentially one room. Living, dining, kitchen, separated only by the flooring. Worn carpet meets cheap linoleum.

And you know what, it's pretty much the same thing and if someone were to dissect all my descriptive passages in a feature length I'd probably have conniptions.

I'll just say the beginning reads like you just let it all spill out and some could be tightened. How's that?

Reading on I thought Gabriel's actions were impulsive and opportunistic. The burner phone leads me to believe something else altogether. Hmm.

The broken camera is a nice coincidence. I dunno, too much? It is a rundown part of the neighbourhood. On screen I'd probably buy it.

'Just under Jesus'
Great line, very funny.

Delete the repetition of it in description on the following line, detracts from the humour when reading the first, if you ask me.

Hmm, there's that PALE BLUE HOME again.

Ooh, nice touch with PABLO being in Iraq.

No - no, It’s (typo) full stop or lower case it's.

Gabriel places her hand on her (his hand on hers)

flairs about ? not used to that one.

Oh, really? I didn't expect that. Thought she'd stay, you know... and Pablo would come into it.

of Narcocorrido Hip Hop. (the repeat is not needed imh, said at top)
pulsate with the music? pulsate to the beat of the music?

Lovely suspense with the flash of the camera. Works really well.

carves the letter “V” - ooh, turns this into 'horror', instantly in my head. Crime/horror/thriller. Doesn't read as straight 'Drama' to me. That label underestimates it. Not that there's anything wrong with straight Drama, but you get me...

walks down the cracked
sidewalks within a large apartment complex.

walks down the cracked sidewalk of a large apartment complex? If anything I'd delete the plural and go singular 'sidewalk'.

kitchen area,
kitchen would suffice

Only a dim light from the kitchen, the rest of the apartment in darkness.
Sorry, can't help myself. Yours is perfectly acceptable.

A baby mobile is attached.
Don't you want to show that mobile gently gliding around? Yep, I know there'd have to be an open window or draft wouldn't there? Just seems like a lost visual opp, ask me.

Andrew starts to stir a bit.
Baby Andrew stirs.

She’s common in appearance
Really? 'common'? As in the literal meaning I suppose but I think 'plain, undorned' might work better, or similar. 'Common' gives me the impression of unsophisticated/common as muck, to the point of being lower class and uncouth - that could be my Brit roots but it stood out at me in not a good way after I read on about her character too.

Call some lowlife with a bad mullet and peroxide roots lurking in an alley 'common looking' for sure. Just ignore me.

Ooh, okay, I like that this is a bigger story than I first thought. Stopping with the Ramiraz's on p.17 & Huck Whitehurst (great character name!) - great start, Dave, very pro feel to the writing, despite my nitpicks.

Everything is easy on the eye, effortless to read, vivid characters.

Hopefully I'll come back to it sometime to see how the story pans out.

Dave,

Read the first ten -- will get to more as time allows. But so far it seems like the making of a great story! You've done a brilliant job of setting this all up. Basically, I can see where this is all going from the first ten. However, I've also a feeling that I know nothing yet, and somewhere along the way the rug is gonna be pulled out from under my feet. Several times. Can't wait to read more!

Steve

Libby - thanks for the read and the detailed comments - much appreciated.

Quoted Text I'd personally peg back some of your descriptive lines. Pale Blue Home has a header stuck out at me as being a bit unnecessary, I'd just put that in description under EXT. HOUSE.

I agree on the trimming. I think I can cut it in half. The problem for me is I know this neighborhood (it's a real one) and when I know something I tend to but more in then needed. So, yeah - some snipping is needed.

In terms of the PALE BLUE HOME. I am keeping that. The home becomes a centerpiece for much of the story and I want it to stand out (i.e., as oppossed to HOUSE or HOME) - almost like it was a haunted one.

Quoted Text I'd write something like: Poky and cramped, essentially one room. Living, dining, kitchen, separated only by the flooring. Worn carpet meets cheap linoleum.

I like this better and now have stolen it - thanks

Quoted Text And you know what, it's pretty much the same thing and if someone were to dissect all my descriptive passages in a feature length I'd probably have conniptions.

Nitpick away - all improvements are improvements.

Quoted Text I'll just say the beginning reads like you just let it all spill out and some could be tightened. How's that?

Yes - concur.

Quoted Text Reading on I thought Gabriel's actions were impulsive and opportunistic. The burner phone leads me to believe something else altogether. Hmm.

Yep - it becomes clear why he has one later

Quoted Text The broken camera is a nice coincidence. I dunno, too much? It is a rundown part of the neighbourhood. On screen I'd probably buy it.

I thought about this coincidence too. For story purposes (becomes clearer later) he has to have no camera or a broken one. Original draft had no security camera and then I talked myself the other way because most stores in that neighborhood have them. Anyway - will mull it over.

Quoted Text 'Just under Jesus' Great line, very funny.

Thanks

Quoted Text Delete the repetition of it in description on the following line, detracts from the humour when reading the first, if you ask me.

agree with this deletion

Quoted Text Hmm, there's that PALE BLUE HOME again.

Yes - you will get a lot of it

Quoted Text Ooh, nice touch with PABLO being in Iraq.

Thanks

Quoted Text No - no, It’s (typo) full stop or lower case it's.

Good catch - thanks

Quoted Text Gabriel places her hand on her (his hand on hers)

Got it - thanks

Quoted Text flairs about ? not used to that one.

Suppose to be flails - thanks

Oh, really? I didn't expect that. Thought she'd stay, you know... and Pablo would come into it.

Quoted Text of Narcocorrido Hip Hop. (the repeat is not needed imh, said at top) pulsate with the music? pulsate to the beat of the music?

Not sure I agree here. It is a very specific and not widely known genre specific to East LA Gangs (they write it). I am toying with getting rid of it altogher - haven't decided yet.

Quoted Text Lovely suspense with the flash of the camera. Works really well.

thanks

Quoted Text carves the letter “V” - ooh, turns this into 'horror', instantly in my head. Crime/horror/thriller. Doesn't read as straight 'Drama' to me. That label underestimates it. Not that there's anything wrong with straight Drama, but you get me...

I would probably label it as crime drama

Quoted Text walks down the cracked sidewalk of a large apartment complex? If anything I'd delete the plural and go singular 'sidewalk'.

Singular works - thanks.

Quoted Text kitchen area, kitchen would suffice

Disagree here - in these apartments there are not distinct kitchen/dining and living rooms - they pour into each other - I think area better describes that.

Quoted Text A baby mobile is attached. Don't you want to show that mobile gently gliding around? Yep, I know there'd have to be an open window or draft wouldn't there? Just seems like a lost visual opp, ask me.

Yeah, that would a nice visual. Maybe something akin to:

Angel figurines dangling from a baby mobile dance lightly in the circulated air above the crib

Quoted Text Andrew starts to stir a bit. Baby Andrew stirs.

That works

Quoted Text She’s common in appearance Really? 'common'? As in the literal meaning I suppose but I think 'plain, undorned' might work better, or similar. 'Common' gives me the impression of unsophisticated/common as muck, to the point of being lower class and uncouth - that could be my Brit roots but it stood out at me in not a good way after I read on about her character too. Call some lowlife with a bad mullet and peroxide roots lurking in an alley 'common looking' for sure. Just ignore me.

Might be a Brit vs U.S thing. Merely implies nothing outstanding in clothes or physical traits,

Quoted Text Ooh, okay, I like that this is a bigger story than I first thought. Stopping with the Ramiraz's on p.17 & Huck Whitehurst (great character name!) - great start, Dave, very pro feel to the writing, despite my nitpicks. Everything is easy on the eye, effortless to read, vivid characters. Hopefully I'll come back to it sometime to see how the story pans out.

Thanks much, Libby. I appreciate the read and the nitpicks as well. All our helpful.  

Quoted from SAC Dave, Read the first ten -- will get to more as time allows. But so far it seems like the making of a great story! You've done a brilliant job of setting this all up. Basically, I can see where this is all going from the first ten. However, I've also a feeling that I know nothing yet, and somewhere along the way the rug is gonna be pulled out from under my feet. Several times. Can't wait to read more! Steve

Wow - thanks for the kind words Steve. Much appreciated.

Hey Dave. I'm a big fan of your writing, so I'm going to read this tonight (Aus time) and get back to you with my thoughts in the next coupla of days.

Quoted from BSaunders Hey Dave. I'm a big fan of your writing, so I'm going to read this tonight (Aus time) and get back to you with my thoughts in the next coupla of days.

Super - much thanks

SOME SPOILERS

Geez, Dave. This was a super slick read. I read that first ten yesterday, then the rest today in one sitting in probably a bit over an hour. Everything I mentioned in my first post happened. It didn't disappoint. A very clean read with the odd typo here and there -- stuff like a missing period, and perhaps a repeat of a line. I'm so sorry I didn't take the time to point these out. I was pressed for time as it was, and of course, I didn't want to interrupt the read. Just the fact that I didn't want to stop reading kinda says a lot about this script, IMO. It was good.

I don't think there was one loose end left untied. You pretty
Much cleared everything up for me. And just when I was like -- wait, is that it? (Gabriel's death), you pulled a doozy out and finished it up very nicely.

I particularly loved the "aha" moment you threw in later in regards to why Huck initially pocketed those numbers they found in Gabriel's car. You made it believable and logical as to why he did that. Hell, even Anna agreed!

I think your characters were pretty well rounded. However, they all seemed rather subdued at times and I wonder if your writing should reflect that in places. Not the dialogue -- like, I knew when Anna was pissed, for example, but I can honestly say I don't recall one action being capped. Like someone slamming their fist down, for example, or a gunshot. Not complaining, mind you. This was expertly written and told with precision. But still, there were places where I felt the writing should've "popped" and didn't. If anything, the writing was a little too consistent, if you will. But don't mind me, of course. I could be way off.

Regardless, a very well told story and a great read. I enjoyed it very much, and could easily see this being picked up and turned into a pretty damn good movie. Congrats!

Steve

Hey Dave, just had a read.

I loved it. Read it all in one sitting. Here're a few thoughts followed by some notes.

Some would say your descriptions are too long, but I’d say they’re just right. You get the little stuff that really paints a clear picture in the head without blabbering on too much.

Great ending! I love what you did with the whole Pablo angle. Even though Double V is a gangster and an atrocious human being, you still did a good job at making him not so dislikeable. You made me kind of feel sorry for him. And that’s what I like most about this. The way you persuade us to feel like the gangsters aren’t so bad, is a really cool thing.

The concept of the lottery ticket is original. I’m not really into these detective type of movies, but this one was something I think I would enjoy watching. It had me invested, and I wanted to know who was going to end up with the coin.

Your characters are great too. Anna, the detective, with her sick dad is a beautiful touch that makes her stand out from others. Huck, the asshole detective. I must say, I never saw that coming! And I’m usually quite good at predicting endings. The coke head Gabriel: Brilliant angle with him and his little family. Even the deal with him and his father-in-law. And of-course the gangsters. (Including Pablo.) Yes, they are cliché characters, but it’s what you did with them that made me stand out for me. Usually, in movies, you see Mexican gangsters swear off their heads, spit, threaten and abuse cops, but not these guys. You kept them level headed, and I liked how you went about with that.

“A far too giddy MALE REPORTER (30) with a face you just want to punch” is one of the best descriptions I’ve ever read. Made me laugh. Bravo.

A couple of notes:

1) Little Stevie shouldn’t be such a wimp. This guy is a hard gangster that has killed before and has probably been in a few shoot outs, yet he trembles at the sight of a gun by a detective. Doesn’t sit with me.
Suggestion:
Have Little Stevie as an aggressor. Have him still take orders from Double V, but not without challenging his authority. It would make it more believable for when he doesn’t help him out in the whole murder case. I also think it would add more tension to scenes with him and Double V and also with the Detectives. When Anna and Huck questioned them, I would have liked to fear for the safety of Anna. I kind of knew Double V wouldn’t do anything, but it would have been a nice touch to have Little Stevie there as an unpredictable nut case. It would have had me on the edge of my seat not knowing if he was going to pounce.

2) Page 65: I think you should get rid of Captain Ganza explaining Pablo’s injuries in a V.O. It didn’t flow for me.
Suggestion:
Instead of having Ganza talk as the V.O; Have a Nurse or Doctor explain his injuries to an Army General or something, then cut back to Anna hanging up the phone with a tear in her eye.

Also, you have Pablo Sanchez written a few times when I think you meant Gabriel Sanchez.

That’s about it, Dave. Good job.

Quoted from SAC SOME SPOILERS Geez, Dave. This was a super slick read. I read that first ten yesterday, then the rest today in one sitting in probably a bit over an hour. Everything I mentioned in my first post happened. It didn't disappoint. A very clean read with the odd typo here and there -- stuff like a missing period, and perhaps a repeat of a line. I'm so sorry I didn't take the time to point these out. I was pressed for time as it was, and of course, I didn't want to interrupt the read. Just the fact that I didn't want to stop reading kinda says a lot about this script, IMO. It was good. I don't think there was one loose end left untied. You pretty Much cleared everything up for me. And just when I was like -- wait, is that it? (Gabriel's death), you pulled a doozy out and finished it up very nicely. I particularly loved the "aha" moment you threw in later in regards to why Huck initially pocketed those numbers they found in Gabriel's car. You made it believable and logical as to why he did that. Hell, even Anna agreed! I think your characters were pretty well rounded. However, they all seemed rather subdued at times and I wonder if your writing should reflect that in places. Not the dialogue -- like, I knew when Anna was pissed, for example, but I can honestly say I don't recall one action being capped. Like someone slamming their fist down, for example, or a gunshot. Not complaining, mind you. This was expertly written and told with precision. But still, there were places where I felt the writing should've "popped" and didn't. If anything, the writing was a little too consistent, if you will. But don't mind me, of course. I could be way off. Regardless, a very well told story and a great read. I enjoyed it very much, and could easily see this being picked up and turned into a pretty damn good movie. Congrats! Steve

Thanks so much for the review and kind words Steve. Much appreciated. I know it is quite the effort to get through a feature. I do like your thoughts on opportunities to add some POP - it is stuff like that can get a script to the next level and is great fodder for review/re-write - in the next draft I will look for those opportunities - Again - much appreciated.

Quoted from BSaunders Hey Dave, just had a read. I loved it. Read it all in one sitting. Here're a few thoughts followed by some notes. Some would say your descriptions are too long, but I’d say they’re just right. You get the little stuff that really paints a clear picture in the head without blabbering on too much. Great ending! I love what you did with the whole Pablo angle. Even though Double V is a gangster and an atrocious human being, you still did a good job at making him not so dislikeable. You made me kind of feel sorry for him. And that’s what I like most about this. The way you persuade us to feel like the gangsters aren’t so bad, is a really cool thing. The concept of the lottery ticket is original. I’m not really into these detective type of movies, but this one was something I think I would enjoy watching. It had me invested, and I wanted to know who was going to end up with the coin. Your characters are great too. Anna, the detective, with her sick dad is a beautiful touch that makes her stand out from others. Huck, the asshole detective. I must say, I never saw that coming! And I’m usually quite good at predicting endings. The coke head Gabriel: Brilliant angle with him and his little family. Even the deal with him and his father-in-law. And of-course the gangsters. (Including Pablo.) Yes, they are cliché characters, but it’s what you did with them that made me stand out for me. Usually, in movies, you see Mexican gangsters swear off their heads, spit, threaten and abuse cops, but not these guys. You kept them level headed, and I liked how you went about with that. “A far too giddy MALE REPORTER (30) with a face you just want to punch” is one of the best descriptions I’ve ever read. Made me laugh. Bravo.

Thanks for the read, buddy  really appreciate you getting through this and adding your comments.  As I told, Steve - I know getting through a feature is a lot of effort and greatly appreciate that you both took the time.

Quoted Text 1) Little Stevie shouldn’t be such a wimp. This guy is a hard gangster that has killed before and has probably been in a few shoot outs, yet he trembles at the sight of a gun by a detective. Doesn’t sit with me. Suggestion: Have Little Stevie as an aggressor. Have him still take orders from Double V, but not without challenging his authority. It would make it more believable for when he doesn’t help him out in the whole murder case. I also think it would add more tension to scenes with him and Double V and also with the Detectives. When Anna and Huck questioned them, I would have liked to fear for the safety of Anna. I kind of knew Double V wouldn’t do anything, but it would have been a nice touch to have Little Stevie there as an unpredictable nut case. It would have had me on the edge of my seat not knowing if he was going to pounce.

Excellent note!!!! It's dead on and I will definitely use it.

Quoted Text 2) Page 65: I think you should get rid of Captain Ganza explaining Pablo’s injuries in a V.O. It didn’t flow for me. Suggestion: Instead of having Ganza talk as the V.O; Have a Nurse or Doctor explain his injuries to an Army General or something, then cut back to Anna hanging up the phone with a tear in her eye.

I just re-read this section - yep - it does create a hiccup - I'll either go with your suggestion or as an alternative - after just showing Pablo in the hospital - go back to Anna at her house relaying the info to he Dad on what happened to Pablo - will take a couple of stabs at this and see what works - but concur that the VO is a hiccup.

Quoted Text Also, you have Pablo Sanchez written a few times when I think you meant Gabriel Sanchez.

Thanks - just fixed it (why can't spell checkers also read my mind?)

Again - thanks for the read, the notes and the kind words.

I have only read up to page 11 so far. I like the story and where it's heading. If the rest of the script is written in the same way as these first 11, I think you could probably trim ten pages off this script by just by cutting some of your descriptions. They are unnecessary long, IMHO. They are also very specific. like the PALE BLUE HOUSE. Is it necessary to the story that it's that color? If not, I'd skip that. Some of the descriptions are also repetitive. You tell us in the EXT paragraph of the liquor store how run down it is and such and then you do it again with the INT description. That is repetitive, at least to me since we got a good idea of the store from the earlier description. Also, try to use active verbs. Instead of "slowly walks", why not describe her walk with one word? She shuffles, she hobbles, she staggers...

There were a couple of things about the story I was wondering about. Gabriel goes to buy a lottery ticket in the same store that Esperanza did. But, she already has the winning numbers. His ticket must therefore be from the next week's drawing, right? I don't play the lottery, but I'm pretty sure that those machines have a date and time when each ticket was sold. In other words, his ticket purchase wouldn't match the winning ticket. Which makes the convenience store surveillance seem extremely lucky  coincidence for Gabriel. I'll go along with it. It's a movie after all. Another thing that stood out for me is that Gabriel works for the state lottery. I'm pretty sure employees at the lottery can't win, but perhaps he finds someone else to cash it in for him.

Just some thoughts that popped up while I read. Good start regardless.