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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Mo and Claire Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 9th, 2016, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mo and Claire by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - A woman refrains from espousing xenophobia but she can't avoid the consequences of her decision. 12 pages

This is a rewrite of a previously submitted work

Production - budget for this short is minimal: House rooms, hospital room, five adults and a child (12). - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Fausto
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Hi everybody,
can you guys please give a quick read to this script? I made substantial changes and I would like to know from you if they worked. Please review it only if you have five minutes free, I don't want to take your time.
Thank you very much.
Fausto
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eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Fausto - I very much like the premise of this one. But it is way too heavy handed. It needs to be more sublte/nuanced. The conversation  between Claire and Ginger (assuming they are friends) is never going to happen like that. It would be more like:

GINGER - so have you decided?

CLAIRE; - What?

GINGER: Are you going to raise him Christian or Muslim.

CLAIRE: Hadn't really thought about that yet. Probably let him decide.

GINGER. Hmmm.

CLAIRE: What?

GINGER:  I don't know, just seems like if you let him go to a Mosque - you know what they do there.

etc. Something like that.

There were some format and dialogue issues for me.


Quoted Text
CLAIRE, (40), attractive, paces nervously the room


Something wrong with the above. It needs an "in" before the.


Quoted Text
CLAIRE
(to herself in
frustration)


I don't think you need the parenthetical - but if you are going to go with one just use "frustrated"
Since no one else is in the room you don't need "to herself"


Quoted Text
Claire OPENS the door.
On the doorstep, an African-American WOMAN (50) stands
waiting.


THis could be more efficient - something like:

Claire opens the door revealing an African-American WOMAN, (50).

Don't need to say she's standing - waiting - we know that. If she is doing something unexpected (jumping jacks) - okay.


Quoted Text
WOMAN
Good morning, Ms. SPENCER. Nice to
see you.
CLAIRE
Good morning, Ms. LEE, please come
in.


You don't need CAPS for the character names in the dialogue.


Quoted Text
MS. LEE
Just a little, he was going to school
to learn the language when the
building was leveled by bombs....
Syrian bombs.



Syrian bombs to OTN - you mention Syria later so it is not needed.


Quoted Text
MS. LEE
(indicating the
carry-on)
He has a few donated clothing...from
the RED CROSS. He left Syria with
nothing


No need to CAP Red Cross.


Quoted Text
CLAIRE
He's exhausted...so handsome.
GINGER
Uhm.
CLAIRE
This is all you have to say?
GINGER
What you want me to say....okay, he's
a good looking boy.
CLAIRE
(irritated)
Thank you, your highness


I didn't get this at all - she paid a compliment - Claire's reaction seemed over the top - unnatural.


Quoted Text
DOCTOR #1
A miracle, the fire burned down the
house... and in a week she's gonna
be out.


Way too OTN - a Doctor would never have this converstaion. If you want to intro it into the story do it in the conversation with Ginger.


Quoted Text
DOCTOR #2
This is the miracle...he saved the
woman's life risking his own.
DOCTOR #1
A young hero, I hope he can make it.


Again - for my taste - way too OTN.

Hope this helpfs - best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fausto
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Eldave 1,
thank you very much for your suggestions! I would make the necessary changes. I really appreciate your help.
Best,
Fausto
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eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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