The Outcasts by Mark Renshaw - Short, Thriller - A young masked man surviving in a bleak world must seek shelter by 5:30 PM every day to avoid mysterious entities which seem to be searching for him.  A mishap results in him being stuck out in the open at the worst possible time.  10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Mark,

Just before work so I gotta stop at 2 pages in. I'll finish later and leave my thoughts. But for now I'll only say I was surprised when I looked up and noticed I was only two pages in. Early thoughts, I'd say this might be a little overwritten in places. Could be me, but I had to read a couple of your action blocks nice and slow so as to make sure I was getting the gist of what was happening, namely the opening of the door scene. That's all for now. Just didn't seem to flow as smooth as I think it should.

Steve

Okay read the rest. I gotta say I am stumped here by the story, and had a little trouble following along. Like I said before, I think your action could have been streamlined and more to the point. Seems at first he was in this post apocalyptic world being chased by these alien/scavengers, hiding in the attic -- then it turns out his mother is looking for him, which kinda leads me to believe that this was all in the boy's mind. I remember him seeing the newspapet the second time, and I'm thinking, well if this is some kind of post apocalyptic world then how in the hell is the newspaper being delivered.

I will say that towards the end, even though I had trouble comprehending the story, that the writing matched the tense situation of him trying to make it home before it got too late. So good job there. Otherwise, I'm still pretty confused.

Steve

Mark:

First, in terms of format, descriptions. dialogue - thought this was all real solid.

But I am confused. You can tell me if I am wrong - but after the 2nd read I am assuming it is a tale about a young boy abused my a man his mother was with and to escape that reality he goes into fantasies (e.g. gas masks, etc.). If I got that right - it needs to be just a little clearer - like I said - it took two reads. I I got that wrong I would be curious is to what the premise is.

This:

Quoted Text He scans the rack. One in particular grabs his attention. The date is March 26. The headline reads, “NASA Confirms Our Planet’s Temperature Just Reached a Terrifying Milestone

Through me. If it is fantasy - not sure it's needed. If it's reality - then why don't any of the scenes have heat in them?

Quoted Text The date is March 27. Near the bottom of the page in bold is the headline - DON’T FORGET, BRITISH SUMMERTIME BEGINS TODAY

I didn't get the significance of this either.

Again - I found the writing very solid - got confused in the story

Quoted from SAC Okay read the rest. I gotta say I am stumped here by the story, and had a little trouble following along. Like I said before, I think your action could have been streamlined and more to the point. Seems at first he was in this post apocalyptic world being chased by these alien/scavengers, hiding in the attic -- then it turns out his mother is looking for him, which kinda leads me to believe that this was all in the boy's mind. I remember him seeing the newspapet the second time, and I'm thinking, well if this is some kind of post apocalyptic world then how in the hell is the newspaper being delivered. I will say that towards the end, even though I had trouble comprehending the story, that the writing matched the tense situation of him trying to make it home before it got too late. So good job there. Otherwise, I'm still pretty confused. Steve

Hey Steve, thanks for the read and the comments. You are pretty close in your assessment. The boy is homeless, he ran away from home as his father was abusing him. We see the world at first from his point of view, part reality, part fantasy and partly symbolic of his emotional turmoil.

I’ll look at streamlining it in the second draft. This will be tough to get across more clearly without telling the audience rather than showing them but I agree it may be confusing to read. This is my own fault, I hate doing straightforward stories and like to give new twists to tales but in the end I risk confusing the reader. I’ll have a think and see what I can do.

Thanks again for the comments, really appreciate it.

-Mark

Quoted from eldave1 Mark: First, in terms of format, descriptions. dialogue - thought this was all real solid. But I am confused. You can tell me if I am wrong - but after the 2nd read I am assuming it is a tale about a young boy abused my a man his mother was with and to escape that reality he goes into fantasies (e.g. gas masks, etc.). If I got that right - it needs to be just a little clearer - like I said - it took two reads. I I got that wrong I would be curious is to what the premise is.

You are pretty close. He’s homeless, ran away from home because of an abusive father. We see the world he lives in from his point of view. It’s pretty empty and barren apart from his fellow Outcasts (homeless). He yearns for his mother but his fear of his father stops him reaching out to her. Everything we see in the script is a reflection of that. The nightmare in the attic for example, he knows his mother is missing him and searching for him but he’s terrified of his father.

Quoted from eldave1 This: He scans the rack. One in particular grabs his attention. The date is March 26. The headline reads, “NASA Confirms Our Planet’s Temperature Just Reached a Terrifying Milestone Through me. If it is fantasy - not sure it's needed. If it's reality - then why don't any of the scenes have heat in them?

A bit of a misdirection on my part. This is a real headline I saw from a few days ago. I wanted the audience to buy into the post-apocalyptic world the boy views it as. I may have tried to be too clever for my own good.

Quoted from eldave1 I didn't get the significance of this either. The date is March 27. Near the bottom of the page in bold is the headline - DON’T FORGET, BRITISH SUMMERTIME BEGINS TODAY Again - I found the writing very solid - got confused in the story

Again, this may be me trying to be clever. March 27th 2016 was when British Summertime began in the UK so the clocks went forward an hour. That’s why he messes up and is caught outside at 5:30. If you don’t live in the UK that won’t make any sense so maybe I should change it to simply say don’t forget the clocks go forward today?

Thanks for the review, I’ve not written anything in a while so felt a bit rusty. It’s good to know I’ve still got the basics but I always try to write something quite different and end up confusing everybody…so that’s not changed either lol!

-Mark

(Haven't read any other reviews, apologies if I double up)

Your intro @ the park is great, really paints a picture.

Little nitpick, "NASA Confirms Our Planet’s Temperature Just Reached a Terrifying Milestone." I don't think NASA would be producing this data, Climate Bureau or some equivelent maybe?

Is the electricity in this city/country out? Would that milk be spoiled? If so, gross (but effective).

"He tosses the gas mask among a pile of clothes and other random disguises. "  How.why are they disguises? You might need to expand on this. Sounds interesting but it isn't really followed up.

"INSERT WRISTWATCH" I think this is a time when the insert isn't really necessery. Is there any reason why simply saying "the wrist watch shows the time" wouldn't work?

"She bursts into tears" - she's Off screen right? How do we know? Better would be to say "she sobs" or whatever.

Okay, so I liked this. It's not clear what is happening or what HAS happened up until the end, but you have a really compelling idea here and I read till the end. I wouldn't think of too much to fix. As a short, it's good that it's not a whole lot of exposition. Just a picture of a few days with this kid. Good work.

Hey Mark,

**Spoilers**

I enjoy stories like this.  I could see this being really good on film.  I didn't have any trouble following the story.  The imagination of a boy is a powerful thing!  But, I would perhaps consider making the boy younger.  At 14, I couldn't picture him having an imagination that vivid, but that's just a personal opinion.  Other than that, like was mentioned before, it probably could have been streamlined a little more.  But you've touched on that yourself already in another comment.

Overall, I liked it.  I would enjoy seeing this on the screen!

Good luck.

Nolan

Some notes.

I really like the beginning of this.  I was braced for a dystopian world where the boy managed to avoid the crazies who emerged at night.  Then, I hit the ending.

OK, the ending isn't bad, but it brought me back to the mundane world we live in.  My bad.  There are a few issues with the writing, but those are easily fixed.  You have a very nice character here.  Good luck.

Best
Richard

Quoted Text Thanks for the review, I’ve not written anything in a while so felt a bit rusty. It’s good to know I’ve still got the basics but I always try to write something quite different and end up confusing everybody…so that’s not changed either lol!

Yes - the basics are solid. I think with a few revisions to add clarity (or avoid confusion) this would be all solid

Quoted from AlsoBen (Haven't read any other reviews, apologies if I double up) Your intro @ the park is great, really paints a picture. Little nitpick, "NASA Confirms Our Planet’s Temperature Just Reached a Terrifying Milestone." I don't think NASA would be producing this data, Climate Bureau or some equivelent maybe?

Thanks for all the comments, they were useful and I’m glad you liked it overall. Just on this point, NASA released this data back in February -

http://www.slate.com/blogs/fut.....perature_record.html

This milestone has been reached, in effect (unless we do something drastically) we are all doomed! A nice thought!

However, if you didn’t know NASA produces this type of data then others may also question it, so I’ve changed it to Scientists – makes it more generic!

Cheers,

-Mark

Quoted from Nolan Hey Mark, **Spoilers** I enjoy stories like this.  I could see this being really good on film.  I didn't have any trouble following the story.  The imagination of a boy is a powerful thing!  But, I would perhaps consider making the boy younger.  At 14, I couldn't picture him having an imagination that vivid, but that's just a personal opinion.  Other than that, like was mentioned before, it probably could have been streamlined a little more.  But you've touched on that yourself already in another comment. Overall, I liked it.  I would enjoy seeing this on the screen! Good luck. Nolan

Thanks Nolan, glad you liked it and I agree with your point. He needs to be younger. I've changed it so he's 12.

-Mark