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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Road Trip
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  Author    Road Trip  (currently 905 views)
Don
Posted: October 9th, 2016, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Road Trip by Linda Gould - Short, Drama - Imogene, a coed at a small-town campus, waits for her unreliable boyfriend to ask her to her final Homecoming dance, and hopefully propose marriage. When that fairy tale fails to materialize, she angles to accompany her wild roommate to New York to pick up a volatile rock band, two years after its expulsion, and return it to campus to play the dance. 8 pages - pdf, format

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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 8th, 2017, 5:15pm
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RichardR
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I'm not persuaded that this one reflects coeds in the 21st century.  Do they really angst over homecoming dance?  Perhaps I've been away from college too long.  This one seems cliche, something borrowed from stories told in yesteryear.  

But that could be me.

There are some problems with the writing, and the dialogue seems far too direct.  Also, this one begs an ending.  Deciding to go on a road trip is not the ending, it's the beginning of Act 2.  You should probably rethink this one.

Best
Richard
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Lgould
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Fair enough. The story really was set in an earlier era (I graduated from college in 1974). In my day, girls did angst over these things. I tried to adapt one act from a longer work, called The Rock Star's Homecoming, which went on to describe the road trip. Thanks for commenting.  
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RichardR
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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I think the Rock Star's Homecoming is a worthy project...

Richard
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eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Linda: I had a similar reaction. The premise works fine for 1970 - not so much for today. So, I would go ahead and set it there.

The use of a SUPER would help in doing this and in also cleaning up a way to long opening slug. Right now you have:


Quoted Text
EXT. MARY ELLEN CLEMENS LADIES’ DORM, AT GLENDARY, A
SMALL-TOWN COLLEGE - CONTINUOUS

A squat stone building. As the girls enter they pass
a large, no-nonsense sign proclaiming DORM RULES and
CURFEW.


Aside from the length - you need to tell us if it si NIGHT or DAY and the CONTINOUS is not needed.

You could go with something like this:

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS DORM - NIGHT

A squat stone building. As a group of girls enter they pass
a large, no-nonsense sign proclaiming DORM RULES and
CURFEW.

SUPER: MARY ELLEN CLEMENS COLLEGE, 1974

I also think you need an ending here.

I also thought that there was an interesting idea for a feature here. It would be interesting to show this story and it's dynamics then (1974) and now (2016). Maybe one being the story about Imogene and Sara and the other about their daughters in a similar situation. WOuld be cool to show the contrast - Just food for thought

Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Lgould
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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All good stuff. Thanks much!
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eldave1
Posted: October 11th, 2016, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DanielV
Posted: December 10th, 2016, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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As with a previous reply, the story is not really ended with them deciding to go on a road trip/ Its the first major plot point which should drive the story into Act 2. It could probably develop into a pretty good short film or even feature...

The first few pages are somewhat confusing. It takes a while before I realised the protagonist is Imogene. The first couple of pages is about Carolyn going psycho about homecoming. Alot of emphasis was put on her, and her views on who girls go to homecoming with.....I understand it was trying to demonstrate the severity of how Imogen felt when her boyfriend stood her up....but there was too much and it wasn't needed.

Instead you could have written a scene where Imogene was super excited about homecoming, bragging to the other girls about her boyfriend...and they are the happiest couple in the world....Then when she is stood up it has a bigger impact.




thanks
Daniel  
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Lgould
Posted: December 10th, 2016, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Those are all fair points. Thanks for commenting.

Linda
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