The Marooned Astronaut by Dylan Lloyd Meuser - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A young man who is a wannabe astronaut tries to find his friend from an evil archenemy and risks his life saving others. 92 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Dylan, I read a bit. I think the first two pages may have some general issues that you need to address.

Quoted Text INT. EMO CONNECT SCREEN - DAY

Are we inside a screen? i.e, the heading is INT. If you want us only to see a screen you would do something like:

INSERT: EMO CONNECT SCREEN

In addition, maybe it's me, but I am not sure readers are going to have any idea what an EMO CONNECT SCREEN is,

Quoted Text The loading screen has a bar scrolling to completion. BRAIN NEURONS are firing with the words LOVE, COURAGE, FEAR, PLEASURE. Light from the neurons leads down a vein into a screen on a WATCH. TOM, is in his mid teens, a curious social media addict. At 17 he hasn’t learned his limits and isn’t afraid to imagine a world without them.

This opening has a lot of issues. First - break it up. Try not to go over 4 lines in description - readers will start skimming. I would break this paragraph at TOM.

Second, I read it three times and still do not understand what I am supposed to be seeing.  I know you have something in your mind. But it is not coming across clear at all.

Finally, you have unfilmables: Specifically:

Quoted Text TOM, is in his mid teens, a curious social media addict. At 17 he hasn’t learned his limits and isn’t afraid to imagine a world without them.

You need to show us through action and dialogue what that Tom is a social media attic and is world view. i.e., there is no way to film what you wrote.

Write actively. For example, this:

Quoted Text EXT. LAKE - DAY It is a gorgeous day on the water. TOM and his father are on a DINGHY sailing through crystal clear waters on steady winds.

reads better as:

Blue clouds and sunshine. Tom and his father sail a DINGHY through the crystal clear waters.

Also don;t need to cap TOM again - you already introduced him.

Quoted Text Here is another example of what I am referring to: [quote]The STARS are shining brightly on a hilltop in the mountains. TOM is on a bench outside of an old and remote observatory.

Should be:

STARS shine brightly on a hilltop in the
mountains. TOM sits on a bench outside of an old and remote
observatory.

Anyway - you need to strive to be crisper in the descriptions, always show - don't tell, and write in an active voice.

Check some scripts out and it will be apparent what the issues are.

Best of luck with this.