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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Go Long - OWC
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  Author    Go Long - OWC  (currently 1614 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Go Long by Dr. Steven Brule

Forced into marriage with a man she does not love, a young woman discovers her husband has a secret which puts her at risk.  8 pages

Short Gothic Horror based on Bluebeard


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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The second script I've read and this one too has lots of typos. I'm sure you'll catch them next time you go over the script.

I was confused by the tribespeople. What kind of tribe? How would I know what their traditional dress looks like when we don't know what tribe they are?

Story is simple enough and I can imagine the horror of having to share a bed with an old hairy guy when you're young.

Perhaps this story needs to be longer. I wanted more. I wanted to know what happens. How is she going to deal with the situation?

You have some weird writing for a couple of pages there where you have just one sentence on each line. Action is sometimes written that was, but it was misused here. IMO.

With a rewrite after the feedback, I'm sure this can be great.  


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Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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You only used 6 and a bit pages out of your allotted 10 and I do feel like there was a lot more story to give.

I would have liked to have known what happened.

It has a few typos and grammar issues that need fixing.

The story is okay but it left me wanting so it's a pass from me.


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jofferhall
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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First, I'd like to remark that if the title of this screenplay is a reference to the Joanna Newsom song (which I suspect it is, given the source), then you've earned some points in my book.

That being said, I don't think Barbe quite does the story justice. It seems the only negative aspects of his character are that he's old and ugly, neither of which qualify him as a killer. I would toy around with his relationship with Elsie a bit. See if you can't make him more menacing through his interactions with her. Show the audience something that will help them to believe he has killed all these women.

I'm also not a fan of the opening scene. I don't feel it accomplishes anything that couldn't be done more effectively through the narrative. I would work to devise a more organic means of introducing the audience to the garden shed. Maybe Barbe spends an inordinate amount of time inside it and Elsie is curious. It's just a small shed, after all. What could he possibly be doing? Maybe Elsie asks him about it and he becomes angry with her. Menacing.

Anyway, you've got a good start here, but I feel the story could stand some restructuring.


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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The writers are supposed to remain anonymous. That's why I deleted your post.  


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Not heard of the fairytale before but decent choice.

I have to say I was lost in what time period this was - one minute tribes people, a gothic Victorian house and then off on business and concrete walls - all throw up different periods of time to me

It had a creepy vibe but it fell short in terms of story.

As an aside, when I saw the name Barbe, I thought it was female !

One to work on


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Abe from LA
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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I recognize the name Bluebeard, and know a marginal bit about his dealings, but other than that I went into this story with no expectations.
Some of what Bill had to say struck me in the same way. I too thought Barbe's early VO was a female voice.
Likewise, the Victorian setting vs. something modern had me perplexed.
I also wasn't sure where the first dream sequence ended, so I had to double back.
While the shed was interesting, I think you can do better at creating mystery. Teasing us with what it houses.
One of the problems I had with Barbe is that he's repulsive. So, the revealing his business in the end doesn't surprise me. He is exactly what he is. No mystery there. Oh well, this is a OWC script and you've done a decent job of throwing your version out there. It does need more story and more cleverness to build on it finale. But I think for what may be a time-constraint script, it is worthy of a re-write.
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RJ
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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This was a good concept, but definitely lacking depth. This seemed to just hit on the basic notes, but nothing else.

I didn't really care for Elsie either. She didn't really have a voice. I started to care when she found the bodies and ran out of there, but then it cut back to a very monotonic end - which would have been fine, if I cared throughout the entire read - it would have fit nicely.

The keys? Significance of the keys being left behind?

I agree with Reef on all points - those were my first thoughts too - I thought Barbe was a woman.

All in all - good attempt, but not quite there.
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StevenClark
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Read the source material. As for your script, there's just simply not enough to go on here in regards to making this an understandable, cohesive story that stands on its own. Basically, without reading the Bluebeard tale, a reader would find himself lost as to what, where and why in your script. There's no explanation for anything really. We need to know, at least a little backstory of Barbe and his bride and the women he's murdered. Without all that, this story doesn't have much going for it. Sorry, and hope you understand. The writing is good, story is lacking.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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2 more to go..hope to be bale to give lots of details here.

Opening passage is poor.  3 lines ending in an orphan for very little information.

Another orphan in the 3rd passage.

Oh boy...a dream sequence?  "PALANQUIN" - Never heard that term before.  Of Indian origin, huh?  OK...

Tribespeople?  From what tribe?  What is traditional clothing look like for this tribe?

A sytar is now playing OS?  OK, great, but what is a sytar?  You mean a "sitar"

"is carried"  another orphan.  Damn...

So, here's the problem with formatting a dream or Flashback the way you attempted to - when the Flashback/dream runs longer than a single Slug, you have a problem, and here you definitely do, unless the dream is now over and she's actually being married in present time...no clue.

You described Elsie as being in her "20's", but now with Nina, you say "fifties" - use actual numbers for this and be consistent...100% consistent.

When you go to a BLACK SCREEN, you're basically FADING OUT, so you need to FADE back IN.

"Elsie lays in bed." - no...peeps "lie" in bed.  Learn the rules.

Why all the CAPPING?

Barge is a dude or a bearded lady?

I'm very confused about that dream sequence now...is this still a dream or was the dream simply being on the palanquin with the sitar playing?

Oh boy, so we get to see Barbe standing there buttass naked and see his hairy balls?  Really?

If they are under the covers as you said, we're not going to be able to see his hand on her breast.

"her self" - "herself"

"stainless steel refrigerator" - so we're in modern times, then I assume?

Page 4 - "a ghostly woman crawling"  WTF?

Page 5 - "THE GARDEN SHED" followed by "INT. GARDEN SHED"

And another dream sequence to wrap things up.

I don't get it, really.  You decided to leave out most of the source material, which makes this script make little to no sense.

Writing is a problem throughout.

Grades

Challenge parameters - D

Script/Story/Execution - D


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Cam Gray
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

You've got the space to expand this well beyond the final effort on the page, shame really there isn't more. Personally speaking I found it a tough read in the way that it seemed rather disjointed, and there didn't seem to be any real rhythm to it.

The actual characters were a bit sparse, and given there's space to expand them, well you could have really built something that led to a really punchy ending.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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I struggled to follow this one. I thought Barbe was female at first and this was set in the past. I was wrong on both counts.

I had no idea what the dream sequences is about or why this woman was forced to marry someone she detested.

The scene with the ghost and then the follow-up in the shed was strong but ended abruptly and yet you had several pages left to explore.

A pass from me.

-Mark


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Not a striking title I'd say.

This reads more like a short story than a short film. There's too few definite stuff for me here, but rather things felt vague throughout the plot. A lot of problems with beats and plotting.

Nevertheless, there also were several cool moments in here, f.i. the closet scene.


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khamanna
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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I'm thinking it's just the beginning of the story.
SHe's forced to marry a guy she doesn't love.

Then she learns the gruesome secret.

Now she needs to fight him. And your story begins. If you rewrite you don't even have to cut, well maybe some - very little to get to the meat faster. She needs to do something about it.

Otherwise it's about her learning a secret and not doing anything about it. And that's not fun.
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Gum
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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This started off a little slow but, had a nice serene atmosphere to it that played well with the overall theme. The tale actually put me in mind of "What Lies Beneath" with Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer, wherein the ghost of a woman haunts her home... a woman her husband murdered. Curious if that script was conceived via this Bluebeard tale as well.

The fact Barbe is hairy does not really paint a picture of him being grotesque, not in the sense of him being a monster but, I understand it being a visual cue that's easy to convey and, I'm not sure how else to quickly relay the information of Elsie being repulsed... perhaps that line works best here to put us in her state of mind.

"The BRIDAL WALTZ plays through a stereo, somewhere."

Not sure this would fit in with an East Indian wedding ensemble, seems out of place...

Midway the tension picked up and I cruised through the pages with ease. I liked the overall concept you incorporated into the script, however, after I read original tale it's apparent you didn't even attempt to deviate from its form. Not that it's an entirely bad thing but, changing it up so we don't know what's around the corner always makes it more suspenseful.

Writing's good, IMO and, I really liked the atmosphere this was throwing off. I envisioned the Barbe Manor perpetually surrounded by a thin vapor of fog and snowflakes... falling on the garden like a layer of ash. Best of luck...
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