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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Final Curse of the Blue Smoke - OWC
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  Author    The Final Curse of the Blue Smoke - OWC  (currently 1692 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Final Curse of the Blue Smoke by The Dealer

An injured war veteran struggles to contain a newly acquired power

Short Action Horror based on The Blue Light


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 15th, 2016, 8:17pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, that is my real hair...

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Interesting...and possibly troubling note on the title page, saying that this is based "on several fairy tales".  Hmmm...let's see where we go...

Pretty good writing up front, but on Page 2, a classic error in Otto's 1st dialogue - ALWAYS, and I repeat, ALWAYS, set off any name in dialogue with a comma.

Page 4 - Writing is good.  I just don't like the asides and unnecessary dialogue, which seems forced much of the time.  I'm along for the ride, though.

Page 5 - This is way overwritten and because of that, it loses its power.

The montage...as written...doesn't quite work...but it could...and should.

The ending is a letdown.  So is the dialogue, especially from Otto.

Overall, not bad at all, but could have been so much better.

I'll throw out a rare Good Effort.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - B

Script/Story/Execution - B-  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  October 18th, 2016, 5:46pm
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nawazm11
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Written well. A very strange mix, most parts I liked, some I didn't. I guess my biggest gripe was the endless chatter towards the end, definitely takes a toll on the reader. I would've liked a little more complexity within the characters and story -- but I might be alone on that. Not a bad effort at all, but I'm not entirely sure whether it meets the guidelines for horror. Nice work.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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This started off well and the writing was good, I was just waiting for the horror element and it didn't come. It read a lot more like a Thriller than a Horror.

Overall a decent effort


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RaphaelH
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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I'm going to say that, out of the roughly 36 scripts in this contest, this one is probably my favourite. I like the idea of adapting fairy tales of "The Blue Light" story type to modern-day Vegas. The descriptions are evocative, and the twists are very interesting. I think this fits the Halloween theme (it's a dark and gory tale involving the supernatural) and I enjoyed it a lot...
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RonH
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad effort,

One of the better scripts of the challenge. I concur with all the previous comments, good premise, but way overwritten. Cutting the dialog by a third would speed things along, and I would take more time with the climax, which seems rushed, and lack any sense of thrills.

Best,
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Not familiar with the original fairy tale, but the title conjures up The Genie from Aladdin, as played by the late great Robin Williams.

No FADE IN: at the beginning. How are we seeing what you're describing?


Quoted Text
SUPER: "Las Vegas[/b]"[/b]


Anything is SUPER: needs quotation marks.


Quoted Text
second[-]rate


Nice foreshadowing.

"Onto" is usually two words.


Quoted Text
OTTO
Glad to hear it. Bit reckless with
the cards[,] weren't you.


Keep large chunks of dialogue to a bare minimum; you're not Shakespeare, or Tarantino.

"'Cos" should be capitalized. Comma before "as well." This is the last comma I'm gonna point out; just know that you have several to work on.

Another great foreshadow.

Nice description.

How do we know "there's more?" These are called unfilmables.

"Go see the cards" could be a separate chunk of dialogue. Find some kind of action, or Doyle's reaction, to break up the long dialogue.

"Doyleís not happy." Don't tell us he's not happy, show us.

"Nothing to lose." You can drop the asides and not lose anything.

This is the titular Blue Smoke, right?

"A DEALER deals the cards." Redundantly redundant. Change to to something like "A DEALER handles the cards."

You could just say "He grimaces."

"What to do?" Another aside. The last one I'm gonna mention. Just know you have a lot.

Don't capitalize parentheticals unless using proper nouns/names.

"You look like shit." We can see that. Just say "Look at you" or "Shit, look at you."

"Where's the smoke[?]"


Quoted Text
DOYLE
"They?"


"I don't feel good." Avoid stating the obvious. Never mind.

For flashbacks, this is the preferred way:


Quoted Text
BEGIN FLASHBACK.

SLUGLINE

Doyle smokes the pipe. Otto scratches his butt and belches. Whatever. Blah, blah.

END FLASHBACK.

NEW SLUGLINE


No FADE IN or FADE OUT.

Challenge/Parameters: B
Formatting: B-
Story: A-

A consider.


FADE IN:
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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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I can't make my mind up on this one. Didnít love it, didnít hate it. Itís relatively well written and the story is okay. I think itís just a personal preference kind of thing that I didnít totally enjoy the story.

I also didnít think there was much, if any, horror in this one.

It's a consider from me.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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A charming tale, not really a horror by any stretch of the imagination but a good beginning, middle and end. Also well written and easy to follow.

What let's this down for me is it is mostly exposition. The dwarf spends most of his dialogue explaining things and this gets tedious after a while so a pass for me but a decent effort.

-Mark


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Doyle - do we have a poker fan writing this?

The dialogue seems overlong in places, sort of gives it aTwilight Zone kinda feel. Not a bad thing.

Didn't really get Otto's motivation or why he selected Doyle, seemed a little contrived at times and not really scary.

But well paced and reasonably well written...

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AndrewD
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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No real horror but a nice thriller. Fun and intersting. Easy to read. I felt engaged the whole time and wouldn't mind seeing this turned into a feature length script.
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what to make of this one, didn't feel like a horror to me but it was a decent story nonetheless. May give this one a consider as it was written well and flowed nice enough. I could see this being extended longer, I would like to see Otto's reaction to things not goin to plan, perhaps Doyle takes a bit longer to return causing Otto to be nearer to death than he expected.

Good job.
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Nolan
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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I couldn't see much horror in this.  I think with a story like this to work as a horror, you need more.  When I say more, I just mean if it was a longer story and there was more suspense built in, I thought it would have been better.  However, that's a personal opinion.  With the parameters of the challenge, it's hard to do that.  

I found Otto's dialogue to be cringe worthy at times.  

Interesting idea.  I've never heard of the story it was based off of.

Nice job.
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pale yellow
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Iím not positive but if you are showing us the Las Vegas sign in the first description, I do not think that you need the SUPER. I know this is tiny but I really hate not seeing FADE IN unless you are doing something creative with your opening.

I wasnít really into this at first, but the writing gets better and better. The dialogue is quite good and I love the characters.

Good job with the blackjack action lines.  Must be a card player here.

Overall this ended up being one of my favs of the challenge I think.

Great job writer!


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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You used every line of given space, which is a bad sign to ME that usually shows you have problems to realize your concept as a whole and refuse to take decisions that serve the premise, but rather adhere to your words and most of the ideas to the last possible breath. It's a proven perception of me that I share with writers who do so and may like to reflect on that perspective for once.

Good title.

First scene is a qualified, interesting opening. You may cut some of the dialogues later but for now the situation of a dwarf helping a gambling ex-army is intriguing.

The writing is quite individual. Not bad but I hope story stands in the foreground.

P5 Casino Ė Up to here it reads more like a kind of adventure/ thriller script.

There's some atmospheric dark tone though.

"What did you expect from a stoned
loser who can see the cards?"

He explains his character here.

At p7 you hang eventually clearly on your dialogues. Characters' dialogues are as long enjoyable until they take the stage completely, get redundant and break the plot and action.

They have far too long conversations. Too many things are explained via dialogue, then the flackback explanationÖ That isn't live action.

The GREAT live action at the end, that is story. Was it worth to reduce it into the background and prefer those massive chunks of talk?

The premise and dramatic situation was so strong. I just couldn't enjoy how you used it.

It had some moments but with regards to your noticeably huge potential as a writer, which you haven't played off imo, I'm puzzled as to where this went. IMO It's still okay, it's still solid. The premise and some features are intriguing for sure, it just wasn't  the basic kind of execution I could have gone with...


No End of Wolves†† (9p - psychological horror)

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