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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  My Prince - OWC
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  Author    My Prince - OWC  (currently 1327 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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My Prince by Nennen

A young girl infatuated with an old fairy tale goes to extreme lengths to get a date for the Halloween Ball. 8 pages

Short Teen Horror based on The Princess and The Frog


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Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is good, it's actually very similar to my style, short and sharp, to the point.

Story wise I was enjoying this until page 7 then it just lost the plot. It ended quite well but using Frog Man to get there just didn't work for me.

I was thinking some kind of revenge horror but boy was I wrong. There wasn't much horror at all to be honest.

This is a pass from me.


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RickFyvie
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Besides the strange twist on the original tale, I'll concur this really didn't have any horror element to it... supernatural and horrific if it actually happened but...

At one point, I thought it was going the way of 'Carrie' and, that might have been a better angle, IMO. Leah befriends the Frog Man and uses him as a tool to exact revenge on all those bitchy high school girls that have been giving her the gears since first grade. At the prom perhaps, some under water enchantment theme; corsages, moonlight, lily pads... the Frog Man on a killing spree.

Ending had a comedic/romantic feel to it but, could have had a bit more gusto thrown in just for fun. Like, after the big frog pecked the little frog on the cheek, perhaps the little frog could use one of its long legs to rabbit punch the bigger frog in the side of the head, throwing it off the lily pad... at least we'd know for sure which one was Leah and, the whole "be careful what you wish for..." aspect would shine through. All the best.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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I rather liked that.

Frog man, with bulging throat, is one of the most memorable characters I can think of for some time.

I also like the twist of her becoming a frog rather than the other way round. Finding friendship and freedom away from her sad life.

Horror, ok not much, although being attacked by a frog creature is rather spooky.

If I had a suggestion it would be to add a better connection to the frog in the first place. Just because she sees an old kids book doesn't seem enough.

Liked it.


My scripts †HERE

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irish eyes
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was well written but the story is pretty much the "The Princess and the Frog" there's no real twist as the story itself is pretty similar.

It just jumped around too much for me, I would have preferred a big twist at the end... no horror at all either


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RJ
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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The story is short & cute and I like the ending, but this, in a way, seemed too short - as in I didn't really connect with Leah. Everything was going smooth at the start and then we get to the lounge room scene where Leah tells Cathy off for wearing her clothes - it all kinda seemed rushed from there and Leah just came off as a shitty teenager that I didn't really like.

All together this was well written, just could have had more depth in the middle. We get the point that Leah's had a hard few years, but picking on her mom for wearing her clothes is not what I would see her doing. OWC wise this would be middle of the road for me.
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nawazm11
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Some melodrama, a few cliche parts. The script is a bit problematic as it seems as if the ending doesn't have anything to do with what precedes it. There's no shred of investment for the reader because nothing goes as expected, and there's nothing to hold on to. Why set up all the drunk mother and father leaving subplot if it wasn't going to pay off? The bitchy girls at the locker? Even getting to the frog man, I noticed it didn't really have any build up, there wasn't any real graspable reason for her to find the 'perfect date' besides that offhanded remark from the girls. Even when she does find it, it doesn't end up any where. I enjoyed the flip at the end, but it needs a better buildup to really resonate. A nice effort, but it didn't quite hit the mark.
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StevenClark
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Super clean read and written well enough. Also a pretty decent story too. However, in the end it lacks the punch it could've used to take this to a different level. A couple ways you could've gone here, and the one I would've loved to see is Leah's nasty friends getting their comeuppance. You into'd them, but left them behind. Perhaps you were pressed for time. Thought that angle was logical because I got a Carrie vibe at the opening of this and, horror-wise, that would've been cool to explore. So as is, no real horror to speak of. Tension could've been ramped way up when Frog Man appeared, thinking Leah had more a reason to fear for her life but I never really felt she was in much danger.

Nice effort for the time allowed.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Here's a pet peeve of mine to start - you label this as "LEAH'S HOUSE".  OK,< Leah lives there, but it's definitely not her house - it's her parent's house.

12 years later?  HUH?  Could we even tell that the 5 year old is now the 17 year old?  Not a good choice, IMO.

Page 5/6 - I'm getting very bored.  I don't see any horror here and what I do see ain't cutting the mustard.

Page 7 - WTF?  A 5 line passage describing Frog man, ending in an orphan.  Not good.
So Frog Man turned Leah int a frog?  Oh boy...

Not my thang, sorry to say.

Grades

Challenge parameters - C

Script/Story/Execution - C-


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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It all reads pretty smooth and qualified to me except for the part below:

p7 -That the "sort of man" is naked, should belong to the very first part of his long visual description. You got it upside down -- later on same page you describe his arm is green, I haven't known that from his first description and I should have imo. Up untill then, I perceived frog man as a nickname for a creepy naked feller. Now that he is actually green that's a whole different visual experience.

What can I sayÖ It does read like a drama around the typical underdog. The only "thrilling moment" was the moment at the locker and the attack of frog man at the end.

It wasn't enough for me, sorry. Nevertheless I can say you treated the underdog very well and produced lots of empathy toward her.  


No End of Wolves†† (9p - psychological horror)

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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Notes:
This is written well.  It was easy to follow and I thought the word choices were good.  I started to nit-pick at it, but quickly changed my mind and glad I did.  Really not much to say on this.  Could easily be filmed with only slight challenge of the Frog Man outfit and training one smaller frog to lean against a slightly bigger one!

Met Challenge?:  Not really horror.  Listed as Teen, so close.  Most would say no, but Iíll let it slide!
Horror:  Minimal, really just short creepy part.
Overall:  Consider.  Recommend with more horror element.  Good writing!


My Scripts:
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I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

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Father, Forgive Me
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 12:51am Report to Moderator
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"This is FROG MAN", that line alone made my morning.

Writer, congrats whoever you are, that was some fine work right there. The story was well crafted, and a really nice twist at the end. I felt sympathy with some characters, anger towards others, they were well constructed and fitted perfectly within the piece.

Anyway, easily a recommend for me, it was original thinking and a good read.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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This script really suffers from the old writing adage, 'Start late, get out early.' The ending is fine, great in fact, the beginning starts far too early.

You start off with a parent reading a fairy tale to a child. This is a very obvious, so much so that this is the third script I've read so far in this OWC to do this. If something is obvious and repeated it suggest it is not going to be very engaging.

You could start in the school towards the end of page three. We get to know everything we need to know in the next two scenes. Lonely child picked on at school, alcoholic mother, father has left, The Princess and the Frog book under her bed. All this is checked off here, yet you spend three pages establishing all of this only to revisit and go over it again.

For me, even then nothing interesting happens until page 6. Then it gets really good! People say there's no horror in this but a Frog Man attacks and forces himself onto a teenager! I'd say that was pretty horrific. And then they twist where she ends up as a frog, I really liked that!

Unfortunately, two excellent pages do not make up for the previous bad setup. It won't be a rec from me but I'm torn between passing and considering. I'll have a think.

-Mark


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EWall433
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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This is another one that has a neat twist at the end, but burns a lot of fuel trying to get there. The drunk mom, the dad who left, the mean girls, the childhood flashback; itís all decently executed character work, but it's hard to see its significance to the story.

All that's really relevant is that she wants a date and can't get one, and there's nothing about the way her fate relates to her life that feels very karmic or ironic or appropriate. The first 3/4ths of the script could be replaced with anything and the final 1/4th would have approximately the same effect.

Frogmanís pretty awesome, though. Gotta give you that.
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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I agree completely with the last comment. Especially this


Quoted from EWall433
there's nothing about the way her fate relates to her life that feels very karmic or ironic or appropriate.


There doesn't seem to be a cohesive plan to any of this. You're setting her up as miserable, alone, and desperate. Have her do something about it. Make her more active. Her walking to a pond and kissing a frog not really expecting anything to happen isn't very satisfying. So her comeuppance isn't very satisfying either.

Maybe twist it around so that anyone who comes in contact with the frog, next day Frogman hunts them down. So first she sicks Frogman on the girl's making fun of her. Then on her own mother. And so forth...


That rug really tied the room together.
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