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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  How To Deal With The Witch Under Your Bed - OWC
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  Author    How To Deal With The Witch Under Your Bed - OWC  (currently 1684 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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How To Deal With The Witch Under Your Bed by Donar Stone

Peter suffers from nightmares of a witch under his bed until the neighbour's girl offers a solution he hadn't thought about yet.

Short Action Horror based on Monsters Under the Bed


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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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The writting is okay. A bit over written in parts.

I feel I can't really comment on the story. It's the first one that really did nothing for me, good or bad. It was just okay.

Overall it's going to have to be a pass from me.


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leitskev
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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I really, really liked this!

People will be hesitant to read after the first page or two because it's not quite standard screenplay in some ways. But it's actually a really well done story if the reader gives it a chance.

In fact, it opens up to other possibilities. For example, Mom could actually take the stuff lion at the end...but the kids look at another stuffed animal to protect them, something less reliable than a lion. Maybe a rabbit? A clown? Barbie? lol

And there was something symbolic about elements of he story that I am too rushed at the moment to figure out. But something about the girl coming in and her imagination to save the day. I kind of figure the boy has an old witch doll under his bed...or an old sock that looks like a witch,

Nice work!
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pale yellow
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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I think this story could be trimmed down quite a bit and it would read faster.

I think the build up of the lion could be better... with each time maybe escalating until the mother removes the lion from the bedroom.

I think it's so cool when they compared their dreams....and then the lion saves them. What they dream they create sort of gives me that Buddhism vibe ....really like that. A sort of hidden moral to the story.

Great job writer.


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StevenClark
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Cute little story you got here, but there are issues with the writing. It's overwritten to start, which makes the read drag on a tad. You need to cut that down. And your descriptions could be better as well. We all know what a witch looks like, so why not throw us a left and describe her as something we've never seen before. Something truly scarier then your average witch.

Story is not bad, but it's a bit simplistic and reads more like telling. You had a great angle on Jenny's mother being ill -- wish you had tied that in somehow.

Overall, decent effort but needs work.

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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This is a cute children's horror that just needs a serious trim and re-write. The bits with the witch are great scenes. You have the horror of the monster under the bed and then the magic of children using their imagination/dreams to overcome her.

Unfortunately the rest reads like unnecessary padding that was a chore to read, in my opinion of course. You need to get the children and their backgrounds in quicker, leaner and in a more interesting way. The strength here is the battle between Witch and the Children, focus on that as much as you can .

As it is I'd give this a consider.

-Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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For starters, I don't find the source material to be something that was or should be included. but what do I know?

Writing out of the gate is...well...odd, to say the least.  Awkward.

This opening scene is so cliche and just goes on too long, but maybe we're going to get a payoff?  I hope...let's continue...

Wondering if English may be a second language, as things are just awkward in the writing.

Too many wrylies!!!  Unnecessary.

No reason for all the CAPPING of words, either.  Just way overdone.

Page 4/5 - So you have a discussion take place OS, and what are we seeing while this happens?  Peter sitting there listening?  It's like  30 seconds of this!

Lots and lots of orphans here.

The end.  Doesn't really bring much to the table, sorry to say.  I see nothing new or interesting and the writing is not good, so that doesn't help.  Mood and tone are lacking and not a single character stands out as interesting or unique.

Grades

Challenge parameters - C-

Script/Story/Execution - C-


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c m hall
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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Very good story, believable dialogue and characters.  The twist on the source material seems to me expertly achieved.

SPOILERS

Adult problem solving, in their shadowy adult world, enhances the drama of the children's problem solving efforts in their terrifying night world.  

Jenny's confidence in the lion is perfect.  

Possibly too reminiscent of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe... this story doesn't need "to go there", it's got power of its own.  IMHO.

Ending needs a Fade Out?  
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JEStaats
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this and it had a good 'creep' factor that may have triggered a long forgotten childhood fear. Great work!

I will have to agree that it was overwritten and it included some pointless content that could have been glossed over. If the fat was trimmed, it would be a really good short horror story.

Nicely done and good luck!
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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This one's a bit of a mixed bag.

I really liked the descriptions of the witch, and the twist with Leon is all a bit surreal, but the main thing is that it works.

I'm not going to go to town on the technical aspects that are lacking here, with regards to formatting and a couple of typos, you hopefully already know they need work. All of the technical nonsense can be forgiven if the concept is outstanding and grabs the reader's attention, and I'd say you're nearly there.

For me, it's another borderline consider, just because of the creativity shown. It's a question of whether or not the formatting issues can be overlooked
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khamanna
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this. You kept me on my toes.

I think you could rethink the way you tied up too ideas - Peter doesn't like Jenny and Peter scared of the Witch. The switch from the night episode to Jenny was not smooth for me.

Also - Jenny likes animals and dreams of animals - maybe you could overstress that for the final line to be punchier.

But it's a very nice script. Scary kids story - fits the challenge nicely. Great idea and all. Congrats.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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The evil witch under the bed. Nothing unusual about the monster under the bed scenario - reminds me of hiccup by Sham , on these boards - but an effective location.

I assume this is more childhood nightmare type thing, rather than fairytale, but I think that's fine.

I liked it for what it is, but I suppose the weakness is I don't really know much about why?  Why it's there> why he knows that? why the end works etc etc some think that horror doesn't have to explain itself, but I think it could help.

Things like jenny's dad conversation doesn't really add much.

One option is to consider jenny as a young witch, not knowing her power. In this she does tell Leon to attack but we don't get much of why this works, what jenny did. I think you have the young witch option there.

Fair effort.


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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There's some things I liked, but it's overwritten and also very oddly written in places. I don't like to comment on formatting because it's not my strong suit (assuming I have any) but wouldn't the initial witch dialogue be O.S.? I guess it depends on whether the shadow of the cusp hat is in the shot when she starts talking.

Also, wouldn't you have to introduce a capped character of THE WITCH at some point? When she appears in physical form she's MONSTROUS OLD WOMAN. So THE WITCH that you have as a character speaking never really gets introduced. Any formatting experts feel free to jump in here cuz I don't actually know the answer to these questions.

Regardless of the technical stuff, the visuals are just not clear to the reader so you've gotta find a better way to set this up.

As for the story overall, it had some interesting moments. I like the idea of the kid's imagination being the thing that defeats the witch. That element was much more engaging than the witch under the bed, all the gore, any of that stuff. Makes me wonder if this would work better as more of a drama - two kids dealing with family issues learn to use their imaginations to overcome their fears (symbolized by the witch). Obviously, this was a horror challenge so you had to make it horror. But for future drafts, I would consider taking this in a different direction.



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Nomad
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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I wouldn't say that this was a chore to get through in the same vein that getting a root canal is a chore, but more like feeding my dogs is a chore.

I love my dogs and if I don't feed them, they die.  
But sometimes I just don't want to go out back, go in the garage, scoop out some food, walk to their bowl, put the food in the bowl, go back to the garage, scoop out some more food, walk to the other bowl, put the food in the other bowl.

See what I mean?  A chore.

I do like the ending with the lion and I could picture it working perfectly, but it was just a lot of work to get there.

Jordan


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Comedy title here, a good one btw; second part of the logline says nothing…

I like to follow your story. It has perfect structure and understanding. Only the relaxing middle part may be a tiny bit too long.

Few parts are over-descriptive imo f.i. as the mother takes the air pump and puts it wherever. It's not of interest. Some things may just disappear in a screenplay. Director and set design will take care about all those things.

Okay, very sweet overall, very imaginative plus I liked the third act and climax pretty much. In hindsight even your title fits perfectly to this light scary story. I have a lot of empathy toward your entry and enjoyed it. It's not so super-bold what I liked and respect. More it is humble and self-aware and 100% focused on its identity as a movie. Of course I thought about the cgi, but it's simply worth the Investment here imo. It will get the high score from me.


No End of Wolves   (9p - psychological horror)

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