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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Blood Cabin - OWC
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  Author    Blood Cabin - OWC  (currently 1153 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blood Cabin by Caoimhín

Set during the Great Famine period, a brother and sister encounter a nightmare lurking deep in the woods.

Short Splatter Horror based on Hansel and Gretel


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Nomad
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:


  • Page 1.  "...the land of Europe"?  You mean, Europe?  

    Calling it "The land of Europe" is trying too hard.  It's like saying ,"The majestic village of...Burbank."
    It just sounds wrong.
  • Page 1.  If the birds are singing it's not exactly a "quiet swamp".
  • Page 1.  Describing Hans and Grace as "two siblings" is lazy.  
    What do two siblings that are 7 years apart look like?  
    If they looked similar, I'd buy that they're siblings.
  • Page 1.  "The two kids fasten their speed."  
    Huh?  "Hasten" maybe.
  • Page 1.  Grace turning to say "I'm sorry..." is melodramatic.  It doesn't work for me.
    A 13 year old girl running for her life most likely wouldn't take the time to turn back and apologize.
  • Page 1.  "They run and run..." One "run" would suffice.
    Better yet, "They vanish into the darkness of the forest."  Something like that.
  • Page 1.  "A narrow river streams..."  Just call it a stream.  A "narrow river" is a stream.
    Or creek.  Or brook.  Or tributary.  Okay maybe not tributary.  But the others would work.
    Suggestion:  A gentle brook meanders through the forest.
  • Page 1.  "...turns the water into red..."  Remove "into".  
    I'm wondering if English isn't your primary language now.
  • Page 1.  "Dry blood still soaks...".  "dry" and "soak" don't go together.  "Soak" implies that something is wet.  "Dry" implies that something is not wet.


To be continued...


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED

Revision History (1 edits)
Nomad  -  October 16th, 2016, 12:14am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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I'm on Page 3 and have no clue what's going on.  As Nomad said, lots of little things on page 1 that are problematic.

I'm sorry, but I started skimming and then just stopped.  I don't see any effort to "re-imagine" this well worn source material.

Writing is not good.  Nothing seems remotely real or interesting.

Sorry, but not going to grade this, as I didn't give it my full attention...but...I don't feel it deserves my full attention.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  October 16th, 2016, 3:06pm
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nawazm11
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Some unintended hilarious lines here, in part because the kids sound much older than they are -- some melodrama present as well.

A bit too simple for my tastes, Hansel and Gretel was going to be an obvious choice for a few folks, but there's not a lot that's new here. In fact, I'd wager that this script was dumbed down from the original story, which is a problem in and of itself. I guess I wasn't surprised by anything, which too is a problem.
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Nomad
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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(CONT'D)


  • Page 2.  "Come on, clean yourself here!"
    Is she really shouting at him?  Why does she say "here"?  It seems out of place.

Skimming now...

Is the old woman played by Matthew McConaughey?  "Alright, alright!"

There wasn't much of a deviation from the original and it needed to be tightened up.  It was too stiff for my liking as well.  It needed a bit more style and less blueprint.

Congratulations on finishing a script.  A lot of others couldn't have done it.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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This one is riddled with errors, typos, grammatical issues. I'm thinking English may not be your first language.

Story wise there is nothing overly new or unique about this tale.

It's a pass from me.


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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I like the overall concept. Execution needs work though. The kids just don't talk like kids at all.


Quoted Text
HANS
She seems like a nice old lady.

GRACE
Yet she walked very slowly when she
entered here and really fast when
she left!

HANS
What’s the matter with--

GRACE
--Hans! Enough! Is it even usual
for an old woman live alone in the
middle of the woods?


You really gotta work on this part, it's a key moment. I'd go with more of a slow-building sense of unease. Right now it's forced - Grace immediately knows somethings wrong based on the speed of the old woman's entrance and exit. That didn't really make sense to me and the typos complicated things further.



That rug really tied the room together.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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There is the - excuse the pun - bones of a decent story here.

In fact worth toying around with the practice what can be extracted

Two lost, vulnerable kids find a cabin. Normally these days this is teens, a weird cabin in the woods etc.  but here we have starving children.

How would a 6 years old, or his older sister, act and behave. This is worth thinking of for the dialogue and mannerisms etc. E.g. The youngest could stil have a small toy and talk to it. That way we see his age, but also his fears are exposed. Just a thought.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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I think this would work better if the kids were a closer age, as it is the younger one in particular dooesn't sound right, his dialogue is playing older...

I liked the idea of some form of famine driving people to extreme measures, adds a good angle, but...

I think as it stands this feels a little close to the original... and I said it on the other based on Hansel & Grettel... why can't the witch win for a change!

Also, I think you missed an opportunity to not have their parents heads in the pot.

Anyway, overall this was decent and a re-write/polish and maybe a new twist or two and it could work.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Another Hansel and Gretel one, let's see how this one is.

Very simple story you got here, doesn't seem like you wanted to get too creative for some reason as it follows closely to the original. I did enjoy that little twist where the Great Famine is going around. I think you missed a good opportunity at the start of the story where the kids book it out of the cottage, personally I would like to see them in the cottage just before it all went to hell.

I have a small issue with the end though, to me it just wasn't believable enough to see them consuming the old woman, they would need to be pretty desperate to do that, but I don't think they were at that stage yet.


Like others have said, there are a lot of errors in this, the writing is decent enough though.
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RJ
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:58am Report to Moderator
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I understand how this is a period piece and language was a lot more sophisticated back then, but Hans needs to be older or his dialogue needs to suit his age - definitely out of place atm.
page 6 - it seems a bit premature for Grace to think the old lady is hiding something.
Lots of grammatical errors that need to be fixed - can be done easily enough.
I know the initial setup was supposed to show what they had been through, kind of, but before Grace got vicious with the old lady I think you could have shown a streak of that maybe in the setup scene before they were running? Just a suggestion.

All in all, this has it's good moments and then not some. Needs work, but could be good. As others have said there is nothing new in this though, you've stayed to tale without your own real creativity shining through. Good effort though.
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AndrewD
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hard for me to get into this one. Second Hansel and Gretel I've read and this one doesn't seem to deviate from the classic. Work on the dialogue and rework some accpects of the story and there could be something here.
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pale yellow
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure I’m in love with the title… but I like the Hanzel and Gretel story as your source material.

I like the way you start out with some mystery with them running away from the house with blood on them. I would nix any dialogue in this first scene IMO.  Good job at setting a tone here.  

When Grace is washing her dress, I assume she’s naked now? I think there is too much dialogue about the washing the clothes.

On page 4 you need an INT slug when they go INSIDE the house.

It seems too easy that they just spot a house. I mean, you need to put your character through some serious obstacles. And each obstacle should land them somewhere they will create another obstacle usually. And why are they scared when they first find the woman and shelter. What makes Grace act like they should not go inside? Just because the lady is old and fat? Either they’re scared to go in because she looks like a witch maniac or maybe she seems overly nice in a peculiar sort of way…

********When she says “She’s one of them” ...this gets my attention. Two kids running from a town of townspeople turned cannibals is a great concept… a two kids running from the cannibals that ravaged their town is a great concept. But as it’s written, it feels a bit too much like the ordinary tale IMO.

Overall, I think you have a lot of good to work with here.

Good job.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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Others have pointed out the errors and this is a vomit draft so I ignored them as I read it.

The story for me is too straightforward and similar to the classic. There's no reason for the kids to be suspicious of the old woman, so you need to introduce something interesting to raise their suspicions and keep the audience interested and believing what is unfolding. Being nice and living on her own in the woods is not enough for two starving wet kids.

You mention in your dialogue the old woman moves slowly at first then faster when she leaves the room. This was a good clue but you need to reflect how she moved in your action.

The way the kids overpower the old woman is too simplistic and easy. This hag has had many victims by the looks of it, it seems unlikely she would be overpowered so easily or give the girl even a chance of escape.

When I'm reading these scripts and I'm familiar with the source material I'm looking for strong links to the original but with new directions and twists. I'm sorry to say I didn't see that here. So a pass but well done for entering, there were some who tried but didn't manage to achieve this in time.

-Mark


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IamGlenn
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey.

I get the impression from reading this that English may not be your first language. That's not a problem, but the dialogue here is very tough to get through. Also, there's a part when the kids are left alone in the woman's home and they basically explain how this woman is odd and not to be trusted. Seems very on the nose. Before this, I had no reason to doubt this lady. Show us her being odd, don't just have a character explain it.

Story wise, not the worst. Pretty straight forward and the ending was pretty fun. It was just sloppy leading up to it.

Good luck,

Glenn.


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