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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Run
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  Author    Run  (currently 1319 views)
Don
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Run by Victor Miranda - Short, Drama - A running athlete has all the inspiration he needs to win a race. 5 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 27th, 2016, 5:47pm
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Warren
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, powerful piece, I truly enjoyed that.

There is a lot that needs fixing though.

No need to worry about when the credits are rolling, the editor will decide that.

Get rid of all the camera directions, cut to, slow mo, close up. Itís your job to tell the story, the director and DP will decide how to direct the camera.

I realize that running has a lot to do with the script but I feel you use the word run too often, it becomes very repetitive.

There is a lot of awkward writing, Iím guessing English may not be your first language.

You are clearly hopping around in time a bit and I think that is relatively obvious, but I donít think it would hurt to give the reader some kind of prompt, like a flashback.

The formatting isnít bad, would be a lot better minus the camera directions.

So again, I really think you have something special here. If you would like me to elaborate on any points let me know or feel free to PM me if you want any help with this.

Great job.


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Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  October 23rd, 2016, 9:01pm
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Don
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Victor,

This was one script that I posted despite the camera issues and 'cut to:' that take away from the story.  Very powerful piece and could be more so if just the story is told.  

Even if you are going to film this yourself, in order to get someone pulled into this, you just need to tell the story and leave out the camera angles.

Questions.  I'm not sure what this means:

"He pulls out a letter and a photograph, which shows the African girl he
rescued at the crops adopted by a CAUCASIAN MARRIAGE now."

I'm assuming that she was adopted by a Caucasian couple, perhaps?  I'm not sure this is necessary, tho it does reinforce her change in circumstance.  I think the same effect could be had by, "...shows the African girl he rescued surrounded by a well dressed, smiling family..."



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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RichardR
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This has the makings of a nice piece, but the writing and formatting make it unlikely.  I think you should refrain from camera directions.  Not needed.  And the writing is awkward.  you would do well to find a mentor who can help with your
English.  I think you might vary the running.  If he jogs or trots or sprints or lopes or whatever, it will give your vision more precision and keep the reader engaged.

Best
Richard
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VitoM
Posted: October 26th, 2016, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for your feedback. You're absolutely right about the camera directions, cuts and more so I already took all of that out and yes, English is not my first language but I will try to do my best on that. Hopefully, there will be an update soon. Thank you.
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eldave1
Posted: October 27th, 2016, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Same reaction as the others - a powerful, poignant story - just lose the camera stuff.

Great job overall


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http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Nolan
Posted: November 1st, 2016, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Victor,

I'm not seeing any of the CUT TO, SLO MO, etc. that everyone else was talking about, so I assume this is a new draft.  

I agree with everyone else that this is a great story, and has the makings of a really good short film  There are still some awkward description in there though.  For instance "Suddenly, he turns around, approaches jogging.", then you write the exact same thing two lines below it (middle of page 2).  I'm not sure if the second one was meant to be there or not, but it's still a confusing sentence for me.  I see that you commented that English is not your first language, so I'm not going to harp on any of that stuff.  Just be aware of it.  There are a few people here who offered some assistance with that, and I'll throw my hat in as well if you wanted some advice.

Good luck with this.  I think you really have something here!

Nolan
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