A Once Great City by Felix Hockey - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - During a siege, two opposing leaders become more familiar with each other. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Felix,

**Spoilers**

Right off the bat this seems like too much story for a short story.  You seem to be trying to jam pack everything in a small amount of space.  This needs to be much bigger for what I think you want to accomplish.  

Your two main characters, the General and Dagoras, are too much alike.  What I mean by that is if I took the names off of the dialogue box, I wouldn't be able to discern between the both of them.  It's fine to have characters who have the same values, etc., but give them different voices.  There shouldn't be any question (in my mind anyway) who's speaking.

The dialogue is a little on the nose.  Now that could be what you're going for in this world you've created, but it doesn't sound very good when you're reading it.  Just be aware of that.  There were some mistakes in the dialogue as well.  For instance on page 1, Dagoras says "I shall the be the spokesman for the city".  I noticed little things like that in a few places, so really go over this.

The descriptions seem a little too lengthy.  You put a lot of great detail into the descriptions, which is fine, but there's a little too much of it.  When Dagoras eats the apple, is there a reason for him to eat the apple?  Or does he eat the apple just because?  Know what I mean?

I think this could be a good story, but there's too much happening in the span of twelve pages for me.  This needs something bigger to really make sense.  What's this city all about?  Who does the general work for, and why does he work for him?  The personalities of the characters never really develop, they're just there and we're supposed to believe that's why it is.  Why does Captain Herdal go against the general's wishes?  Surely it can't just be because Dagoras insults him, and he needs his revenge.  That all happened in a few pages.  I need to see a build up to believe that.  

So, in short, there's a lot going on here.  Narrow it down to maybe one, or two characters, in my opinion, and give them more to overcome.  That way you can focus on one story, rather than a few different ones.  

Good luck.

Nolan

Some notes.

This one is much like many of its ilk.  I like the idea that the general is honorable, but his second in command isn't.  I wonder how they lasted this long.  And the defender is the underdog who doesn't win.  But the tale is not different enough to hold attention.  It has elements of Greek myth and some Last of the Mohicans when the commoners are attacked despite assurances to the contrary.  

The writing needs some work.  There are a few English errors, but those can be corrected.  And like the other commenter, I think this can be condensed.  Skip the grand approach and get to the meat.  The general starts the siege, slinging rocks and fire into the city.  Dagoras comes to negotiate.  The mano-a-mano fight doesn't work for me.  Generally, while there are famous one-on-one fights, they weren't for an entire city.

Best
Richard