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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Vision
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Don
Posted: November 5th, 2016, 5:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Vision by Andrew Champagne - Short, Horror - Everyone has a shadow. 5 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Link Fixed.


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 5th, 2016, 3:28pm
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RonH
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Andrew,
first off, I liked this quite a bit. The idea of benevolent spirits helping those in need is right up my alley.

Notes:  Instead of GIRL, why not introduce ANNE directly. I see no reason to wait until later on the page. Also on pg1 you call her ANNA, but for the rest of the story it's ANNE --  Pg3, in the kitchen: I know what you're going for, but I think it's easier if you just said "Anne opens a cupboard, and retrieves a coffee cup" -- Pg4 the Woman calls out the name ANNA (back to Anna again). Pg4, If Keegan is unseen if he wants to be, why was he hiding behind the tree earlier, when following her?  -- And lastly, why the bunny mask? Besides bringing back memories of Donnie Darko, I'm not sure why you stuck that in there.

All in all, this was an enjoyable read, and I'll be sure to check out your other work

Best,
Ron H
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Warren
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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For the life of me I canít tell you exactly why I liked this but I did.

Couldnít help but think of Donnie Darko.

The main issue for me was the formatting and other little problems.

You can lose the "we see" and the camera directions.

Iím not sure you fully understand how and when to use the em dash and ellipsis. Lots of articles you can Google about it. I feel your extreme over use of the em dash slows the read and to be completely honest is just annoying.

Id say if you cleaned up a few things this would be a great script.

Well done.


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RichardR
Posted: November 14th, 2016, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This is a solid piece.  There are some problems...Anna in come places...Anne in others.  Needs a clean up.

I'm not sure if Keegan is alive or dead.  If dead, there's no need to hide behind a tree.  If alive, then, when he's in hunter mode, he can't be seen.  I do like the idea of being able to see malevolent spirits.  'I see dead people.'  Good job.

Best
Richard
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stevemiles
Posted: November 18th, 2016, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Andrew,

Interesting concept - feels like one you could take further.  I tripped up trying to follow the who/what/where at times.  I think you could stand to add a little clarity to some areas to help orientate the reader.

You intro the GIRL only to re-intro her a few lines later as ANNA and elsewhere in the action as Anne.  Similarly the old lady is referred to as the old lady/woman/ghostly woman/Annaís mother - assuming theyíre all the same character?  Itís not a deal breaker for me but consistency goes a long way.

FLASH - Iím guessing as in FLASH CUT, like a brief cutaway?  Nothing against it, but for clarity it might be better to indicate when itís ended.  On first read I assumed Keeganís reaction was part of the cutaway.

Why is Keegan hiding from Anna if she canít see him?

Again, decent idea - could do with a little clean-up to help smooth the read.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Connor
Posted: December 8th, 2016, 12:26am Report to Moderator
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I'll ignore the few inconsistencies and tiny bit of confusion and instead ask if there has been an update or revision since you posted this 4 weeks ago?
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13thChamber
Posted: December 20th, 2016, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good concept and story. Main issues I had with this were more technical aspects..."We see" and the complete absence of a title page. Overall pretty entertaining, and with some clean up here and there, it'll be even better. Keep it up.


13th
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 30th, 2016, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Andrew, I think the other reviewers cover most of what I would suggest -- why the rabbit mask and hiding if invisible -- Anna/Anne Ė Camera directions. I did like that the ending when he took on the Shadow and its presences. An idea with potential needs development.

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Kalina
Posted: May 10th, 2017, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Andrew,

It was an interesting choice of having KEEGAN be an invisible character. On the other hand, I was confused if he is a ghost himself. Because usually people have visions, not ghosts.

I like his positive influence on ANNA.

"The ghostly woman" also confused me: is she a symbol of a person's depression? In that case, KEEGAN must be a real, visible character.

Best of luck with shooting this
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