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Andrew, first off, I liked this quite a bit. The idea of benevolent spirits helping those in need is right up my alley.
Notes: Instead of GIRL, why not introduce ANNE directly. I see no reason to wait until later on the page. Also on pg1 you call her ANNA, but for the rest of the story it's ANNE -- Pg3, in the kitchen: I know what you're going for, but I think it's easier if you just said "Anne opens a cupboard, and retrieves a coffee cup" -- Pg4 the Woman calls out the name ANNA (back to Anna again). Pg4, If Keegan is unseen if he wants to be, why was he hiding behind the tree earlier, when following her? -- And lastly, why the bunny mask? Besides bringing back memories of Donnie Darko, I'm not sure why you stuck that in there.
All in all, this was an enjoyable read, and I'll be sure to check out your other work
For the life of me I canít tell you exactly why I liked this but I did.
Couldnít help but think of Donnie Darko.
The main issue for me was the formatting and other little problems.
You can lose the "we see" and the camera directions.
Iím not sure you fully understand how and when to use the em dash and ellipsis. Lots of articles you can Google about it. I feel your extreme over use of the em dash slows the read and to be completely honest is just annoying.
Id say if you cleaned up a few things this would be a great script.
This is a solid piece. There are some problems...Anna in come places...Anne in others. Needs a clean up.
I'm not sure if Keegan is alive or dead. If dead, there's no need to hide behind a tree. If alive, then, when he's in hunter mode, he can't be seen. I do like the idea of being able to see malevolent spirits. 'I see dead people.' Good job.
Interesting concept - feels like one you could take further. I tripped up trying to follow the who/what/where at times. I think you could stand to add a little clarity to some areas to help orientate the reader.
You intro the GIRL only to re-intro her a few lines later as ANNA and elsewhere in the action as Anne. Similarly the old lady is referred to as the old lady/woman/ghostly woman/Annaís mother - assuming theyíre all the same character? Itís not a deal breaker for me but consistency goes a long way.
FLASH - Iím guessing as in FLASH CUT, like a brief cutaway? Nothing against it, but for clarity it might be better to indicate when itís ended. On first read I assumed Keeganís reaction was part of the cutaway.
Why is Keegan hiding from Anna if she canít see him?
Again, decent idea - could do with a little clean-up to help smooth the read.
Pretty good concept and story. Main issues I had with this were more technical aspects..."We see" and the complete absence of a title page. Overall pretty entertaining, and with some clean up here and there, it'll be even better. Keep it up.
Hey, Andrew, I think the other reviewers cover most of what I would suggest -- why the rabbit mask and hiding if invisible -- Anna/Anne Ė Camera directions. I did like that the ending when he took on the Shadow and its presences. An idea with potential needs development.
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."